Thursday, October 29, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Eight 2015 Thursday Edition

Just a quickie today:

Miami (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (51): This is where the Dan Campbell Love Train runs into a brick wall. As much as I love the direction the Dolphins are headed in, it doesn't change the fact New England is clearly the best team in the league. Playing at home and assuming Brandon LaFell brings both his frigging hands this week, this should be a 10-point game. 
HOWEVER ... a new coach means not much tape to scout, and thanks to a healthy Cameron Wake, the Miami D has suddenly showed some backbone. So, I'm going out on a limb here and picking a closer game than I think anyone expects. Patriots 24, Dolphins 21.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Seven 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Seven of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where my eye's all better, but my ability to handicap games still sucks.

Actually hit my first Lock of the Week last week, which makes me 1-5 on the season. That seems almost impossible, doesn't it? I pick far too many road teams.

Also, this is being posted after the start of the game in London, but I promise I haven't looked - the kids have monopolized the TV watching some Russian cartoon featuring a bear and a little girl in a babushka. I have no idea either.

Buffalo (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (42): Cheerios (I haven't had breakfast yet)! Bills 24, Jaguars 16.
Cleveland (+5.5) at ST. LOUIS (42): I assume this is predicated on Todd Gurley continuing to go nuts, and I can't really argue with that. Rams 23, Browns 20.
Pittsburgh (-2) at KANSAS CITY (42): Do we dare pick a third-string quarterback? We do! Steelers 24, Chiefs 17.
Houston (+4.5) at MIAMI (44.5): The "new coach smell" will last for at least another week or so. Dolphins 23, Texans 20.
New York Jets (+9) at NEW ENGLAND (48.5): Chris Ivory runnin' wild! It'll slow down the game enough that the Jets can stay within 10. Patriots 26, Jets 19.
Minnesota (-2.5) at DETROIT (44.5): Of COURSE I picked last week to rip Matthew Stafford. Look for him to step up again this week. Lions 24, Vikings 20.
Atlanta (-4) at TENNESSEE (48): Anyone else still think Jake Locker is the back-up? Falcons 26, Titans 13.
Tampa Bay (+3.5) at WASHINGTON (43): I read an article saying racism has played a part in why Kirk Cousins gets a longer leash than RGIII did. Really. Racism. Around a team named "Redskins." Buccaneers 20, Racists 17.
New Orleans (+5) at INDIANAPOLIS (52): Andrew Luck's got to get it going at some point, right? Colts 30, Saints 23.
Oakland (+4) at SAN DIEGO (47): Did you know Philip Rivers and his wife are expected their eighth child? Calling TLC! Chargers 24, Raiders 21.
Dallas (+3.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (45.5): Does anyone trust the Giants' offense at this point? They're up and down like a hooker's panties. Giants 26, Cowboys 23.
Philadelphia (+3) at CAROLINA (46): Have a strange feeling the Kelly offense is going to explode this week. Eagles 33, Panthers 20.
Baltimore (+7.5) at ARIZONA (48.5): Mars needs women and the Ravens need receivers. Cardinals 27, Ravens 16.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Detroit, Atlanta, Philadelphia

Thursday, October 22, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Seven 2015 Thursday Edition

Attending an @OHLBarrieColts game tonight, so just the pick!

Seattle (-6) at SAN FRANCISCO (42): Fred Jackson crashed his Corvette outside the Seahawks' training facility this week. Jackson denied rumours he had been drag racing Marshawn Lynch and attempted to go around him before Pete Carroll jumped out of a bush screaming, "Don't try the pass! It's a bad idea!" SEAHAWKS 23, 49ERS 20.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Six 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Six of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where this week we're turning a single keen eye on this slate of games. Why?

Ever had an eye infection that sent you to the hospital? Right now I make Columbo's occular set-up look normal. Still, thank you to the Canadian health-care system, where a trip to the emergency room, kickass antibiotics and a visit to a top ophthalmologist cost me ... $28.56.

Thanks, Obama!*

Denver (-4) at CLEVELAND (42.5): Just hanging by the side of the road, been out drinking fresh from rehab, banged your girl's head against the car window? Welcome back, Johnny Douchebag. Broncos 24, Browns 17.
Cincinnati (-3.5) at BUFFALO (42.5): E.J. Manuel? *shakes head sadly* Bengals 23, Bills 13.
Kansas City (+4) at MINNESOTA (44): Andy Reid's nightmare continues. No, not the loss of Jamaal Charles - Kansas City area PriceChoppers have run out of Haagen Dazs. Vikings 24, Chiefs 17.
Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE (43): Betting on the Jaguars means thinking Blake Bortles will continue his solid play from last week. Against JJ Watt. So ... Texans 23, Jaguars 20.
Chicago (+3) at DETROIT (43.5): The Bears should be getting at least one receiver back, while the Lions will still be handicapped by the continual non-injury of Matthew Stafford. Bears 20, Lions 17.
Washington (+6) at NY JETS (40.5): I measure how crappy my fantasy football team is by the number of Washington players I have rostered. Right now it's one, so I'm incredible crappy. Jets 22, Racists 17.
Arizona (-3) at PITTSBURGH (44.5): Ooh, the Cardinals are gonna be maaaaad, and Michael Vick is gonna be the one to pay. Cardinals 26, Steelers 16.
Miami (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Mariotta tops The Young and the Listless. Titans 24, Dolphins 20.
Carolina (+7) at SEATTLE (41): I hope the explosion of running back Thomas Rawls makes people remember the REALLY talented Rawls they've forgotten - Lou. Here, I'll help you. Hell, he even sang the Garfield theme! Seahawks 20, Panthers 16.
San Diego (+10.5) at GREEN BAY (50.5): It's tough enough to get up off the mat after last week's crushing last-play defeat, but here, here's 53 tickets to Lambeau Field! Packers 31, Chargers 23.
San Francisco (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (44): Nope, Colin, you're not winning 11 in a row to win the division. You're not even winning this one, even if the Ravens have just activated Bam Morris. Ravens 23, 49ers 20.
Indianapolis (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (55): I'm still not getting off the Brady Train. Patriots 31, Colts 23.
New York Giants (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (49.5): To help with the Eagles' struggles, Chip Kelly has signed seven running backs this week. All of them will join the current Philly RBs and each will get .5 of a touch each week. Eagles 27, Giants 24.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Denver, Houston

* This blog totally gets that health-care issues in the U.S. are not Obama's fault. It's just fun to think about Obama haters thinking, "He's one of us!" and then realizing, no, he's not.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Six (Thursday Edition)

Welcome to the Thursday Edition of The Football Hoser - just time for a quick wrap of the ... wait, what?

*looks at cease and desist papers handed to him from John Oliver's people*

Okay, we've got a little more time than that.

That goal-line decision by Pittsburgh OC Todd Haley in Monday night win over the Chargers - well, let Dabney Coleman describe it to you far better than I can. That is simply a crazy risk to take, but one that, when it works, puts your team solidly in your corner.

Atlanta (-3.5) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I like the combination of Matt Ryan and Julio Jones as much as anyone, but if Devonta Freeman doesn't carry the ball 30 times, Arthur Blank should bring back Mike Smith. Falcons 29, Saints 20.


ATS: 8-7
SU: 12-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$560


ATS: 28-34-1
SU: 44-19
Lock of the Week: 0-4
Trifecta: 0-4
Total: $2,430


ATS: 6-6-1
SU: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$660


ATS: 26-33-1
SU: 40-21
Lock of the Week: 0-5
Trifecta: 0-5
Total: $3,090 

Sunday, October 11, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Five 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Five of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we wish you a Happy Thanksgiving Canadian style! That's exactly the same as American Thanksgiving, except a lot more apologizing for stealing the last turkey leg.

Just the picks this week, and no, it's not because we're busy cooking. This Chinese food isn't going to order itself.

Jacksonville (+3) at TAMPA BAY (42): Buccaneers 23, Jaguars 19.
Buffalo (-2.5) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Bills 23, Titans 17.
Cleveland (+6.5) at BALTIMORE (43.5): Ravens 24, Browns 18.
Washington (+7.5) at ATLANTA (47.5): Falcons 29, Racists 20.
Chicgao (+9.5) at KANSAS CITY (45): Chiefs 27, Bears 23.
St. Louis (+4.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): Eagles 27, Rams 20.
Seattle (+3) at CINCINNATI (43.5): Bengals 23, Seahawks 17.
Arizona (-2.5) at DETROIT (44): Cardinals 24, Lions 20.
New England (-9) at DALLAS (49.5): Patriots 31, Cowboys 21.
Denver (-5) at OAKLAND (43.5): Raiders 24, Broncos 23.
San Francisco (+7) at NY GIANTS (43): Giants 24, 49ers 16.
Pittsburgh (+3) at SAN DIEGO (45): Chargers 26, Steelers 20.

Lock of the Week: Buffalo
Trifecta: Chicago, Oakland, Buffalo

Thursday, October 8, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Five (Thursday Edition)

Just the pick tonight - full lineup for the week and my Week Four results coming tomorrow!

Indianapolis (+1) at HOUSTON (44.5): Andrew Luck appears to be out again tonight, and with Arian Foster in a better position to get 15-20 touches and the Texan defense not being on the field constantly, I think it might be asking too much of the Colts to win with Matt Hasselbeck again. Texans 23, Colts 20.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Four 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Four of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where again life imposes and it's just the picks. A weird one this morning, though: followed & then unfollowed me. I'm a big fan! What did I do, Chris?!?

Jacksonville (+9.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (47): Andrew Luck will not play today, and Matt Hasselbeck is probably not going to get the 33 points I had Indy slated for. Just ... 28 or so. Colts 29, Jaguars 17.
Houston (+6.5) at ATLANTA (46.5): Arian Foster is apparently back, and that's good enough for a cover. Falcons 26, Texans 20.
Carolina (-3) at TAMPA BAY (40): Panthers 24, Buccaneers 20.
New York Giants (+5.5) at BUFFALO (47): Bills 26, Giants 22.
Oakland (-3) at CHICAGO (44): I can't believe I'm doing this. It's been so easy to just pick against the Raiders the last few years. Raiders 26, Bears 20.
Philadelphia (-3) at WASHINGTON (47.5): Still not enough offense from the Racists, and just enough spark from Philly. Eagles 29, Racists 19.
Kansas City (+4) at CINCINNATI (44.5):Bengals 27, Chiefs 21.
Cleveland (+7.5) at SAN DIEGO (45): Got a weird feeling on this one. Chargers 24, Browns 23. 
Green Bay (-8.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (48.5): Packers 30, 49ers 19.
Minnesota (+8.5) at DENVER (42.5): Broncos 24, Vikings 16.
St. Louis (+6.5) at ARIZONA (42.5): Cardinals 31, Rams 13.
Dallas (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (46.5): Saints 24, Cowboys 22.
Detroit (+9.5) at SEATTLE (43): Seahawks 26, Lions 17.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Cleveland, Philadelphia

The Football Hoser 2015 NFL Picks, Week Four (London Quickie Edition)

Crikey, early Sunday football, mate! Throw another shrimp on the barbee and that's not a knife!

(That's the right country, right?)

New York Jets (-1.5) vs. Miami (in London) (41.5): Nothing promotes the NFL worldwide like sending one of the league's three most lackluster teams out to drum up interest. The Dolphins are going to England and nowhere fast at the same time, and that's some Doctor Who shit right there. Jets 24, Dolphins 17.