The HoserOnTheNFL Thursday Nighter, Week Four, 2016 Edition

Some of you may have noticed The Hoser didn't post picks last week. That's because ... wait, none of you noticed? Well then, I won't bother explaining.

Just our quick hitter for tonight's Thursday Night Football tilt.

Miami (+7) at CINCINNATI (44.5): It's difficult to comprehend how the Dolphins could already have 16 players on the injury report. Do they warm-up by lying down in the parking garage and having the team bus run them over? And it's always nice to think you have your age-old running back issue solved, only to lose the guy and be forced to turn to his petulant backup, who also happens to be the guy you dissed in signing that other aging star in the first place.

Good thing you have Ryan Tannehill!

The Fins drag that motley mess into Cincy, where the Bengals may finally have to decide they have two guys to run their offense through - Jeremy Hill and A.J. Green - and forget everyone else. If they do that, limit Andy Dalton's propensity for stupidity and rely on the defense, they will not only win this game but a whole passel of others.

Bengals 26, Dolphins 17.

The HoserOnTheNFL Thursday Nighter, Week Three, 2016 Edition

Just our quick hitter for tonight's Thursday Night Football tilt.

Houston (-1) at NEW ENGLAND (40.5): We're trying to remember the last time the Patriots would have been an underdog at home. Tony Eason? FDR?
Mysteriously, Jimmy Garropolo was upgraded to doubtful sometime in the past 24 hours. He's still a long shot to play, but it's just another way for Belichick to screw with the league and, more importantly, us bettors. Gronk may play tonight also, but if it's Jacoby Brissett, will it make a difference? Probably not.
Every fiber of our being says to take New England, just because of Belichick ... so we will.

PATRIOTS 23, TEXANS 20.

Side note: Bet the over. Heavily.

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week Two 2016 Pre-Monday Night Update

It's only Week Two of the NFL season but The Hoser has already hit what our readers should expect in a standard week - us hoping we hit the Monday nighter to just reach .500 for the week.

We're 7-8 against the spread and 9-6 straight up, but we did hit the Lock of the Week when Arizona stomped a mud hole in Tampa Bay. Here again is the Monday night pick.

Enjoy the game!

Philadelphia (+3) at CHICAGO (43): According to ESPN, Bears QB Jay Cutler says he empathizes with Philly rookie QB Carson Wentz, saying, "I mean, I had the luxury of being able to sit and watch Jake Plummer." Plummer must have been very good at smoking and giving people the finger.
BEARS 24, EAGLES 19.

The HoserOnTheNFL Thursday Nighter, Week Two, 2016 Edition

Just our quick hitter for tonight's Thursday Night Football tilt.

New York Jets (PK) at BUFFALO (41): The Jets lost a tough one against Cincy last week, but their defense ran wild, registering seven sacks. Expect DC Kacy Rodgers to keep them dialed up, especially considering how flaccid the Bills' passing game looked. Pee-wee teams generally roll up more than 160 yards of total offense.
Darrell Revis will also be looking to make a statement after he was lit up like Chevy Chase at a distillery by A.J. Green. Sammy Watkins is solid, but the bounce back from Revis Island will make it an even uglier day for Tyrod Taylor.
That will also be the last time I ever use the word "flaccid" in a prediction.
JETS 23, BILLS 16.

The HoserOnTheNFL's Tuesday Wrap Session, Week 1

Welcome to the Tuesday Wrap Session, where we're not sure whether to congratulate or question the sanity of anyone who sat through last night's late game. Talk about a stinker. Jeff Fisher proved he's just the guy to get his punter named Team MVP.

And it's tough to get excited about the 49ers when the level of competition was ... let's say uneven. Still, the blocking looked solid and the defense might be better than we thought. They'll still go 5-11, though.

During that game, Jeff Haseley of Football Guys asked on Twitter, "Curious how fans in St Louis and the Missouri area feel about this LA Rams team? Still supportive or not so much?" Our response? "Hell, I'm still a #Cardinals fan. If your grandma moves, you don't start loving the people who move into her house."

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh looks to be picking up right where we thought they would be - kicking ass even without Le'Veon Bell. They have to be the favourite for the AFC Championship, and I'm not sure it's really even close. New England ... mayyyybe?

The Hoser finished his week at 9-7 against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Kansas City completely destroyed us, though, as their six-point win was one short of a cover. That wouldn't be so bad, but it turns out that one point and the push would have made our three- and six-team parlays both good. We'll post the Pro-Line pics later.

We'll take tomorrow off and then be back with our Thursday night prediction in the afternoon before the game. Don't forget to check your auction/waiver wires for Mike Wallace!

Week One:
ATS: 9-7
SU: 12-4
LOTW: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Cash: $-270

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One 2016 Pre-Monday Night Update

The Hoser had a decent first Sunday of the season, posting an 8-6 against the spread record and 11-3 straight up. We're still shaking our heads at the finish of the Chiefs/Chargers game, though - that going to OT and KC not getting to kick the extra point took us from having a six-team parlay alive tonight to dead on all tickets. It would have meant a push, but still, hope.

Instead, as per usual we chose Kansas City to be our Lock of the Week, and it turned out the way it normally does for us - in the crapper.

And speaking of the Chargers, man alive, not only do you cough up a huge lead and lose in overtime, you probably lose Keenan Allen for the season. Joey Bosa was probably standing there thinking, "Is it too late to go back in the draft?"



Here are our picks again for the Monday night games:

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.
STEELERS 27, RACISTS 20.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Good luck!

Week One:
ATS: 8-6
SU: 11-3
LOTW: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Cash: $-260

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One Picks, 2016 Edition

Welcome to Week One of the 2016 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're ready to uphold our six-year tradition of having absolutely no value to bettors.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. The format is as follows: each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use the National Score Predicting League line each week, the fine folks who send me updates every week to tell me how awful I am at this.

For you fellow Canucks, keep an eye out late Saturday or early Sunday for my ProLine Picks, where I'll highlight late injuries and lines that could make for good value. God bless legalized gambling!

Let's get right to the stupidity.

Minnesota (-2) at TENNESSEE (41): Look, I know if Teddy Bridgewater was a horse, they would have put him down, but this is the Titans, for God's sake. Do we really have less than a field goal's faith in the ability of Shaun Hill to hand the ball to AP and throw short passes?
Don't make me think more about that.
VIKINGS 26, TITANS 17.

Tampa Bay (+3) at ATLANTA (47): The Falcons have unveiled plans for a new art collection and a huge statue of a falcon for their new stadium. Have they considered ... a defense?
BUCCANEERS 22, FALCONS 20

Cleveland (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (41.5): Do you think the whole Bradford trade thing looked pretty much like the final scenes in "Draft Day?"
Howie Roseman: "Hey, what else do we need? They're gonna give us a first!"
Random Eagles scout: "I dunno, ask them for a fourth-rounder and maybe they'll throw in a seventh or some footballs."
Roseman: "Jeezus, they took it!"
EAGLES 23, BROWNS 20.

Cincinnati (-2.5) at NY JETS (41.5): Jets fans, you can't be that stoked when the big news of the offseason was whether you would land Ryan Fitzpatrick again. Still, I like the direction of the franchise, something I can't say about the Bengals.
BENGALS 23, JETS 20.

Oakland (+1) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I think this is the beginning of the coming out party for a much better Raiders team, and there's not much to be excited about from a Saints' standpoint. Also, it's seriously time for Mark Davis to give Lloyd Christmas his haircut back.
RAIDERS 29, SAINTS 26.

San Diego (+7) at KANSAS CITY (44.5): I wonder if Joey Bosa was pissed they got a deal done after seeing what a bunch of assclowns the Charger management is? They make Cleveland look like Microsoft.
CHIEFS 31, CHARGERS 19.

Buffalo (+3) at BALTIMORE (44.5): Throw a dart if you're playing a Baltimore running back in your fantasy league tomorrow. They've got Forsett, West, Allen and maybe Alan Ameche.
RAVENS 24, BILLS 20.

New England (+6) at ARIZONA (47): No Brady, no Gronk. On the road and all the way across the country. Why do I feel still uneasy about this?
CARDINALS 24, PATRIOTS 20.

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.
STEELERS 27, RACISTS 20.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Miami (+10.5) at SEATTLE (44): I'll just take a knee on this one.
SEAHAWKS 29, DOLPHINS 19.

The rest:

NY Giants (Pk) at DALLAS (46): COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 23.

Chicago (+6.5) at HOUSTON (44): TEXANS 26, BEARS 16.

Green Bay (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (48): PACKERS 27, JAGUARS 23.

Detroit (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (50.5): COLTS 27, LIONS 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Minnesota, Pittsburgh

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Missed the Thursday night pick, but I would have taken Minnesota and the points. Just the scores today - getting ready for the annual Santa Brunch at Tangle Creek Golf Club in Barrie, ON. Mmm, unlimited smoked salmon.

Pittsburgh (+3) at CINCINNATI (49): Bengals 27, Steelers 20.
Buffalo (-1) at PHILADELPHIA (47): Eagles 23, Bills 20.
Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA (46.5): Panthers 24, Falcons 20.
San Francisco (+1.5) at CLEVELAND (41): Browns 23, 49ers 14.
Washington (+3) at CHICAGO (44): Bears 24, Racists 20.
Detroit (-2.5) at ST. LOUIS (41): Lions 26, Rams 17.
San Diego (+10) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): Chiefs 30, Chargers 21.
New Orleans (+3.5) at TAMPA BAY (50.5): Buccaneers 30, Saints 24.
Indianapolis (+1) at JACKSONVILLE (46): Jaguars 27, Colts 23.
Tennessee (+7) at NEW YORK JETS (43): Jets 22, Titans 20.
New England (-3) at HOUSTON (45): Patriots 24, Texans 17.
Oakland (+7.5) at DENVER (43.5): Broncos 24, Raiders 23.
Dallas (+7) at GREEN BAY (44): Packers 31, Cowboys 16.
Seattle (-9) at BALTIMORE (41.5): Seahawks 24, Ravens 16.
New York Giants (-1.5) at MIAMI (47): Giants 26, Dolphins 22.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Oakland, Green Bay

Last Week
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: +$320

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Welcome to Week 13 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where as we predicted, the Lions just couldn't help Lionsing it up and plucking defeat from the jaws of victory. That was an incredibly well-designed play by the Green Bay staff, but why did Detroit have two guys wandering around in the flats? Sigh, again, it's just what the Lions do.

We were a solid 12-4 both straight up and against the spread last week and hit both our Lock of the Week and our Trifecta, just our first of the season. Probably the last, too.

San Francisco (+7) at CHICAGO (43): Looks like with the emergence of Jeremy Langford, Bears running back Matt Forte will be hitting free agency at the end of the season. Where could he be headed? I'm looking at you, Indianapolis. Bears 24, 49ers 14.
Cincinnati (-9) at CLEVELAND (43.5): I would really like to see the Browns play Ohio State. If that game was in Columbus, would you pick against the Buckeyes? Bengals 30, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43): I still believe in Bortles. Jaguars 23, Titans 20.
Arizona (-5.5) at ST. LOUIS (43): Sam Bradford-for-Nick Foles has turned out to be like swapping lunches in grade school -- you knew the other guy's was crap, too, but maybe his crap would be slightly better than yours. Cardinals 27, Rams 16.
Atlanta (+2) at TAMPA BAY (46): This is a game with huge implications for the NFC South going forward. It looked earlier this season as if the Falcons were back on track, but now it's the Buccaneers who have impressed of late. I like Tampa Bay's roster more, and if Atlanta loses this game, could rumours of another coaching change be far behind? Buccaneers 23, Falcons 20.
Houston (+3) at BUFFALO (41.5): I like the Texans, and the milder weather means they should still be able to throw it. Texans 22, Bills 16.
New York Jets (-2) at NEW YORK GIANTS (45): Uh, wut? Giants 23, Jets 19.
Denver (-4) at SAN DIEGO (43.5): Nothing would make us happier than a totally empty stadium in San Diego. Broncos 27, Chargers 17.
Kansas City (-3) at OAKLAND (44): Ball control. The Chiefs have it, Oakland doesn't. Tight game, but KC stays on track. Chiefs 26, Raiders 20.
Philadelphia (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (49): Angry Patriots + Chip Kelly anything = asskicking extraordinaire. Patriots 33, Eagles 20.
Indianapolis (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH (49): Put nothing past Matt Hasselbeck. Steelers 23, Colts 20.
Dallas (+4) at WASHINGTON (42): Greg Hardy vs. Dan Snyder in a Dickhead Battle Royale. Advantage: Hardy. Racists 23, Cowboys 16.Baltimore (+4) at MIAMI (43.5): Dolphins 24, Ravens 22.
Seattle (PK) at MINNESOTA (41.5): Seahawks 23, Vikings 20.Carolina (-7) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5): Panthers 26, Saints 20.


Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Washington, Houston, Kansas City

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 13 Thursday Edition

Week 12 was an excellent week for The Hoser, where I racked up a 12-4 record both against the spread and straight up. The Broncos not only covering but also winning outright was especially sweet given my insane hatred of the Patriots. Well, not hatred. Intense dislike, maybe.

Just the one game tonight, but it's an interesting match-up.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT (46.5): Are the Packers back? If they continue to get Eddie Lacy involved, maybe. The offense is still short good receivers and the defense - well, no one cares about Green Bay's defense. On the other hand, the Lions are due for a letdown, and I don't say that just because they've won three in a row. I say it because they're the Lions. It's what they do. Packers 24, Lions 20.

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 12 Edition

A decent start to the week with a 2-1 record both straight up and against the spread on Thanksgiving. Good thing I didn't buy a turkey - Chip Kelly delivered one for us.

New Orleans (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): Houston could be alone in first place in the AFC South by the end of the day. Trust me, they're just as surprised as you are. Texans 27, Saints 20.
Minnesota (+2) at ATLANTA (46): I have as much faith in the Falcons as I do in Carly Fiorina's ability to run an economy. You can't just outsource citizens. Vikings 23, Falcons 20.
St. Louis (+9) at CINCINNATI (42): Poor Case Keenum. It's bad enough to be forced back onto the field with a concussion, but then to have to keep playing for the Rams? Bengals 29, Rams 16.
Tampa Bay (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (46.5): I wonder if Germans get all excited, then reread the roster and say, "Oh, that doesn't say HasselHOFF." Colts 24, Buccaneers 20.
Washington (+2.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): I think the NFL should force Washington to drop its nickname and use a randomly selected replacement from the list of trademarks they cited last wee. The Washington Twatty Girls has a lovely ring to it. Giants 29, Racists 23.
Tennessee (+1.5) at OAKLAND (44): Does anyone really believe the Titans are better than Oakland? When you figure in the home-field advantage, that's what this line means. Raiders 24, Titans 20.
Buffalo (+4.5) at KANSAS CITY (41): Tyrod Taylor is hurting, the Bills have a couple D-linemen out and KC is firing on all cylinders. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 26, Bills 10.
Miami (+3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (42.5): Don't mind me - I'm still sore over the Dolphins costing me two tickets last week. Jets 23, Dolphins 17.
San Diego (+4) at JACKSONVILLE (46.5): I'm really pulling for the Jaguars here not out of fandom, but just to see a few more Philip Rivers faces before he rides off into the sunset. Jaguars 24, Chargers 21.
Arizona (-10) at SAN FRANCISCO (45): I'm glad Blaine Gabbert's getting a second chance, but he may not be after today. Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.
Pittsburgh (+4) at SEATTLE (44.5): Ben Roethlisberger's next touchdown pass will put him in 14th place all-time on the NFL list, passing ... Dave Krieg. What the hell? Seahawks 26, Steelers 20.
New England (-3) at DENVER (44): Game of the week, and I'm betting Peyton Manning doesn't see the field again this season after Brock Osweiler helps Denver knock the Patriots out of the ranks of the unbeaten. Broncos 23, Patriots 21.
Baltimore (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): You can tell the Cleveland organization is really disappointed in Johnny Manziel. He was listed on the depth chart this week behind Tim Couch. Browns 22, Ravens 17.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Houston, Cincinnati

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 12 Thanksgiving Edition

Well, it's the Thanksgiving edition in the U.S., at least. We already did ours up here in Canada, and mmm mmmm, I can still taste the moose poutine with toque sauce!

Detroit (PK) at PHILADELPHIA (45.5): This game features teams that make it the equivalent of your two slacker younger brothers: disappointing, underperforming and really not very welcome in the house for the holiday. Get a job, Justin - you can't work at that used clothing store your whole life! Eagles 26, Lions 20.
Carolina (-1) at DALLAS (46): This game scares the hell out of me. I don't see how the Panthers can lose, but if the Cowboys are able to keep the ball on the ground and grind it out like they did against Miami last week, it'll be close and who knows? Also, fuck Greg Hardy. Panthers 24, Cowboys 22.
Chicago (+9) at GREEN BAY (46): The Packers are honouring Brett Favre today. Each fan gets a pair of Wranglers with a penis hanging out, then gets to take the field to force an interception into double coverage. Packers 26, Bears 19.

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 11 Edition

Unfortunately I missed making my Thursday pick. I think that's only the second time in seven years.

Washington (+7) at CAROLINA (45.5): Good thing I dropped Kirk Cousins a couple weeks ago. Panthers 26, Redskins 20.
Oakland (-2) at DETROIT (48): Wow, the Lions won one in a row! Raiders 26, Lions 23.
Dallas (PK) at MIAMI (47): I'm not sure how anyone can root for the Cowboys while they continue to play Greg Hardy. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Dolphins 23, Cowboys 20.
Tampa Bay (+5.5) at PHILADELPHIA (45): I am really, REALLY pulling for Mark Sanchez to keep this job, and not just because I want to see if he can top the Buttfumble. He really deserves another shot. AND SO DOES TEBOW! Eagles 27, Buccaneers 20.
Denver (+1) at CHICAGO (41.5): I feel like the Broncos are going to discover Brock Osweiler is a hell of a lot better than people think. Bears 24, Broncos 20.
Cincinnati (+5) at ARIZONA (48): Welcome back, Andy Dalton! We missed you (not)! Cardinals 29, Bengals 19.
San Francisco (+12.5) at SEATTLE (40.5): The 49ers are exploring trade options for Colin Kaepernick. The Northern Kentucky River Monsters might need a replacement for Jared Lorenzen. Seahawks 26, 49ers 16.
Kansas City (-3) at SAN DIEGO (44.5): The pride is gone out of the Chargers. They had been playing to try and keep fans interested in the team staying, but I think that ship has sailed. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 31, Chargers 13.
Indianapolis (+6) at ATLANTA (47.5): I like Matt Hasselbeck to manage this game and keep it close. Plus the Falcons are REALLY overrated. Falcons 23, Colts 20.
St. Louis (+2) at BALTIMORE (41): Todd Gurley will not be held down two weeks in a row, especially not by this defense. Rams 26, Ravens 20.
New York Jets (-2) at HOUSTON (41.5): Good on Ryan Fitzpatrick for gutting it out, but I don't think it makes it through the half. The Texans are climbing fast and can see the top of a crappy division. Texans 23, Jets 20.
Green Bay (+1) at MINNESOTA (45): This is where the NFC North turns for the next 3-5 years. The Vikings are going to dominate, and the Bears will soon be better than the Packers. Vikings 24, Packers 22.
Buffalo (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (48.5): If this game was in Buffalo I would put my money on the Bills, but the Patriot mojo at home is just too strong to ignore. I still like the Bills to cover. Patriots 27, Bills 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Dallas, Kansas City, Houston

The Hoser's 2005 NFL Picks, Week 10 Edition

Welcome to Week 10 of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where we're still chuckling about Rex Ryan trolling the Jets (and given the reaction, the NFL Network) with IK Enemkpali.

Our thoughts are with those in Paris and Lebanon. Stay strong.

Detroit (+11.5) at GREEN BAY (48): The Lions suck. We all know this. But the Packers have shown definite flaws, and a double-digit spread? I'm not going that far. Packers 31, Lions 20.
Dallas (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): I'm starting to think Washington isn't the most despicable franchise in the league. Thanks, Cowboys! Buccaneers 23, Cowboys 20.
Carolina (-5.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Marcus got me believin' (but not enough to win)! Panthers 24, Titans 20.
Chicago (+7.5) at ST. LOUIS (42.5): There will be two really good young backs in this game. Jeremy Langford is the real deal. Rams 24, Bears 19.
New Orleans (-1) at WASHINGTON (50.5): You know what gets no use? A "D-FENSE" sign owned by a fan of either of these two teams. Saints 27, Racists 24.
Miami (+6.5) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles are a very good 4-4 team. The Dolphins are not a very good team no matter how you parse it. Eagles 27, Dolphins 20.
Cleveland (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (41): Johnny Manziel vs. Landry Jones. Who says the NFL has a quarterback problem! Steelers 20, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+5.5) at BALTIMORE (48): Not as big an upset as Holm/Rousey, but the Jaguars are starting to come on. Jaguars 24, Ravens 20.
Minnesota (+3) at OAKLAND (43): It still seems weird to see the Raiders as favourites a lot, doesn't it? Raiders 26, Vikings 20.
Kansas City (+6.5) at DENVER (42): Are the Chiefs about to pull a reverse KC and get hot in the second half of the season? If you were ever going to beat the Broncos at home, this might be the time ... but probably not. Broncos 26, Chiefs 17.
New England (-7) at NEW YORK GIANTS (54.5): The Giants seem to have some weird voodoo over the Patriots, but a scowling little Belichick doll full of pins is too creepy to imagine. Patriots 33, Giants 27.
Arizona (+3) at SEATTLE (44.5): Keep your eye on the Marshawn Lynch situation. The Cardinals might be without John Brown too, but Lynch would swing this by a field goal. This pick assumes he's in. Seahawks 22, Cardinals 20.
Houston (+10.5) at CINCINNATI (47.5): Won't be much of a game, but maybe JJ Watt will muss Andy Dalton's hair a bit. Bengals 29, Texans 20.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, New Orleans

The Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 10 Thursday Edition

Buffalo (+2.5) at NEW YORK JETS (43): I don't think you have to say much more about this game than former Jets coach Rex Ryan naming IK Enemkpali a gameday captain. Yes, that IK, the one who attempted to separate NY quarterback Geno Smith from a few of his teeth over some money owed.
I would say this is getting this game off on the wrong foot, but as far as Rex is concerned, there is no wrong foot for getting off. Jets 20, Bills 19.

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Eight 2015 Edition

Just the picks this week:

Kansas City (at London) (-6) vs. DETROIT (45.5): Again, filed late, but as you can tell from last week's pick, I haven't looked. Lions 23, Chiefs 20
Minnesota (-2.5) at CHICAGO (42): Vikings 24, Bears 17.
Tampa Bay (+7) at ATLANTA (49): Falcons 31, Buccaneers 20.
New York Giants (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5): Saints 26, Giants 23.
San Francisco (+8.5) at ST. LOUIS (39.5): Rams 30, 49ers 13.
Arizona (-4.5) at CLEVELAND (47): Cardinals 29, Browns 22.
Cincinnati (+1) at PITTSBURGH (48): Bengals 24, Steelers 21.
San Diego (+3) at BALTIMORE (50.5): Ravens 26, Chargers 20.
Tennessee (+4.5) at HOUSTON (43.5): Texans 19, Titans 13.
New York Jets (-1.5) at OAKLAND (44.5): Jets 27, Raiders 24.
Seattle (-6) at DALLAS (40.5): Seahawks 24, Cowboys 17.
Green  Bay (-3) at DENVER (45.5): Packers 30, Broncos 20.
Indianapolis (+6.5) at CAROLINA (46): Panthers 24, Colts 20.

Lock of the Week: St. Louis
Trifecta: St. Louis, Atlanta, Cincinnati

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Eight 2015 Thursday Edition

Just a quickie today:

Miami (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (51): This is where the Dan Campbell Love Train runs into a brick wall. As much as I love the direction the Dolphins are headed in, it doesn't change the fact New England is clearly the best team in the league. Playing at home and assuming Brandon LaFell brings both his frigging hands this week, this should be a 10-point game. 

HOWEVER ... a new coach means not much tape to scout, and thanks to a healthy Cameron Wake, the Miami D has suddenly showed some backbone. So, I'm going out on a limb here and picking a closer game than I think anyone expects. Patriots 24, Dolphins 21.

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Seven 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Seven of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where my eye's all better, but my ability to handicap games still sucks.

Actually hit my first Lock of the Week last week, which makes me 1-5 on the season. That seems almost impossible, doesn't it? I pick far too many road teams.

Also, this is being posted after the start of the game in London, but I promise I haven't looked - the kids have monopolized the TV watching some Russian cartoon featuring a bear and a little girl in a babushka. I have no idea either.

Buffalo (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (42): Cheerios (I haven't had breakfast yet)! Bills 24, Jaguars 16.
Cleveland (+5.5) at ST. LOUIS (42): I assume this is predicated on Todd Gurley continuing to go nuts, and I can't really argue with that. Rams 23, Browns 20.
Pittsburgh (-2) at KANSAS CITY (42): Do we dare pick a third-string quarterback? We do! Steelers 24, Chiefs 17.
Houston (+4.5) at MIAMI (44.5): The "new coach smell" will last for at least another week or so. Dolphins 23, Texans 20.
New York Jets (+9) at NEW ENGLAND (48.5): Chris Ivory runnin' wild! It'll slow down the game enough that the Jets can stay within 10. Patriots 26, Jets 19.
Minnesota (-2.5) at DETROIT (44.5): Of COURSE I picked last week to rip Matthew Stafford. Look for him to step up again this week. Lions 24, Vikings 20.
Atlanta (-4) at TENNESSEE (48): Anyone else still think Jake Locker is the back-up? Falcons 26, Titans 13.
Tampa Bay (+3.5) at WASHINGTON (43): I read an article saying racism has played a part in why Kirk Cousins gets a longer leash than RGIII did. Really. Racism. Around a team named "Redskins." Buccaneers 20, Racists 17.
New Orleans (+5) at INDIANAPOLIS (52): Andrew Luck's got to get it going at some point, right? Colts 30, Saints 23.
Oakland (+4) at SAN DIEGO (47): Did you know Philip Rivers and his wife are expected their eighth child? Calling TLC! Chargers 24, Raiders 21.
Dallas (+3.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (45.5): Does anyone trust the Giants' offense at this point? They're up and down like a hooker's panties. Giants 26, Cowboys 23.
Philadelphia (+3) at CAROLINA (46): Have a strange feeling the Kelly offense is going to explode this week. Eagles 33, Panthers 20.
Baltimore (+7.5) at ARIZONA (48.5): Mars needs women and the Ravens need receivers. Cardinals 27, Ravens 16.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Detroit, Atlanta, Philadelphia

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Seven 2015 Thursday Edition

Attending an @OHLBarrieColts game tonight, so just the pick!

Seattle (-6) at SAN FRANCISCO (42): Fred Jackson crashed his Corvette outside the Seahawks' training facility this week. Jackson denied rumours he had been drag racing Marshawn Lynch and attempted to go around him before Pete Carroll jumped out of a bush screaming, "Don't try the pass! It's a bad idea!" SEAHAWKS 23, 49ERS 20.

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Six 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Six of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where this week we're turning a single keen eye on this slate of games. Why?

Ever had an eye infection that sent you to the hospital? Right now I make Columbo's occular set-up look normal. Still, thank you to the Canadian health-care system, where a trip to the emergency room, kickass antibiotics and a visit to a top ophthalmologist cost me ... $28.56.

Thanks, Obama!*

Denver (-4) at CLEVELAND (42.5): Just hanging by the side of the road, been out drinking fresh from rehab, banged your girl's head against the car window? Welcome back, Johnny Douchebag. Broncos 24, Browns 17.
Cincinnati (-3.5) at BUFFALO (42.5): E.J. Manuel? *shakes head sadly* Bengals 23, Bills 13.
Kansas City (+4) at MINNESOTA (44): Andy Reid's nightmare continues. No, not the loss of Jamaal Charles - Kansas City area PriceChoppers have run out of Haagen Dazs. Vikings 24, Chiefs 17.
Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE (43): Betting on the Jaguars means thinking Blake Bortles will continue his solid play from last week. Against JJ Watt. So ... Texans 23, Jaguars 20.
Chicago (+3) at DETROIT (43.5): The Bears should be getting at least one receiver back, while the Lions will still be handicapped by the continual non-injury of Matthew Stafford. Bears 20, Lions 17.
Washington (+6) at NY JETS (40.5): I measure how crappy my fantasy football team is by the number of Washington players I have rostered. Right now it's one, so I'm incredible crappy. Jets 22, Racists 17.
Arizona (-3) at PITTSBURGH (44.5): Ooh, the Cardinals are gonna be maaaaad, and Michael Vick is gonna be the one to pay. Cardinals 26, Steelers 16.
Miami (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Mariotta tops The Young and the Listless. Titans 24, Dolphins 20.
Carolina (+7) at SEATTLE (41): I hope the explosion of running back Thomas Rawls makes people remember the REALLY talented Rawls they've forgotten - Lou. Here, I'll help you. Hell, he even sang the Garfield theme! Seahawks 20, Panthers 16.
San Diego (+10.5) at GREEN BAY (50.5): It's tough enough to get up off the mat after last week's crushing last-play defeat, but here, here's 53 tickets to Lambeau Field! Packers 31, Chargers 23.
San Francisco (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (44): Nope, Colin, you're not winning 11 in a row to win the division. You're not even winning this one, even if the Ravens have just activated Bam Morris. Ravens 23, 49ers 20.
Indianapolis (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (55): I'm still not getting off the Brady Train. Patriots 31, Colts 23.
New York Giants (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (49.5): To help with the Eagles' struggles, Chip Kelly has signed seven running backs this week. All of them will join the current Philly RBs and each will get .5 of a touch each week. Eagles 27, Giants 24.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Denver, Houston

* This blog totally gets that health-care issues in the U.S. are not Obama's fault. It's just fun to think about Obama haters thinking, "He's one of us!" and then realizing, no, he's not.