The HoserOnTheNFL's Week Two 2016 Pre-Monday Night Update

It's only Week Two of the NFL season but The Hoser has already hit what our readers should expect in a standard week - us hoping we hit the Monday nighter to just reach .500 for the week.

We're 7-8 against the spread and 9-6 straight up, but we did hit the Lock of the Week when Arizona stomped a mud hole in Tampa Bay. Here again is the Monday night pick.

Enjoy the game!

Philadelphia (+3) at CHICAGO (43): According to ESPN, Bears QB Jay Cutler says he empathizes with Philly rookie QB Carson Wentz, saying, "I mean, I had the luxury of being able to sit and watch Jake Plummer." Plummer must have been very good at smoking and giving people the finger.
BEARS 24, EAGLES 19.

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week Two Picks, 2016 Edition

Welcome to Week 2 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where we're still shaking our heads at the incredible cojones of Oakland Raiders HC Jack Del Rio going for the two-point conversion and the win. Somewhere, Al Davis is grinning. It's probably hell, but still.

We opened the season with a 9-7 mark against the spread and 12-4 straight up, but as mentioned previously, our mancrush on Andy Reid foiled us again in the Lock and Trifecta departments. We also won our Thursday night pick with the Jets handling Buffalo, although we couldn't have been much farther off on how the game actually transpired. When the loser had two TD passes that add to more than that team's total offense from the previous week, we're not gonna feel too badly about being wrong.

The Bills also fired their OC this morning, which might seem strange after putting up 31 points, but Buffalo had a defensive TD and held the ball for just over 20 minutes of possession. That's how you wear out a defense, and it's also how you piss off a head coach that wants to control the ball.

On to the picks, and remember: using these picks to bet actual money is advisable as having your big medical records reveal on Dr. Oz.

Tennessee (+5.5) at DETROIT (47): How can you go wrong with a guy named Jim Bob calling your plays? "Take 'at bawwwl o'er there and runnit!"
LIONS 26, TITANS 19.

Kansas City (+2) at HOUSTON (43.5): Mancrush in effect.
CHIEFS 24, TEXANS 21.

Miami (+6.5) at NEW ENGLAND (41.5): As flat as the Dolphins were last week, well ... we expect them to be that flat all season. Even with a back-up and likely no Gronk, it's still Bill's world.
PATRIOTS 27, DOLPHINS 20.

Baltimore (-7) at CLEVELAND (43): When losing your starter and bringing in Josh McCown might be an upgrade ...
RAVENS 24, BROWNS 20.

Cincinnati (+3.5) at PITTSBURGH (47.5): We can deal with constantly being wrong, but it's hard to swallow that six years later, we still can't spell Cincinnati correctly on the first try.
STEELERS 26, BENGALS 23.

Dallas (+3) at WASHINGTON (44.5): Jerry Jones announced plans this week to make better use of the skills evidenced by Dez Bryant at the end of last week's game by stationing him in the parking lot, pointing cars into tough-to-see spots.
RACISTS 23, COWBOYS 21.

New Orleans (+5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (52.5): We're starting Eli over Big Ben in our fantasy league this week. God have mercy on our souls.
GIANTS 31, SAINTS 20.

San Francisco (+14) at CAROLINA (48.5): Two touchdowns seems a little much. Has Kaepernick convinced the entire team to kneel for the whole game?
PANTHERS 27, 49ERS 16.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at ARIZONA (50): We had missed the Buccaneers trading up to get kicker Roberto Aguayo in this year's draft, but he was perfect in his debut, nailing four extra points and a 43-yard field goal. Meanwhile, the player drafted by the Chiefs in the swap, Notred Dame CB KeiVarae Russell, has been cut after one inactive game. And that in a nutshell is the NFL draft.
CARDINALS 30, BUCCANEERS 20.

Seattle (-3.5) at LOS ANGELES (38.5): It's kind of shocking the over/under number is positive.
SEAHAWKS 22, RAMS 17.

Indianapolis (+6) at DENVER (45): Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall lost endorsement deals with CenturyLink and Air Academy Federal Credit Union this week after kneeling for the anthem at Denver's home opener. Fortunately, he has picked up replacement deals including RushCard, Tru-Valu Kneepads and Ayatollah's Surefire Flag-Burning Kits.
BRONCOS 27, COLTS 20.

Atlanta (+5) at OAKLAND (48): Did it appear to anyone else that Derek Carr was wearing eye shadow against New Orleans? That would make a good graphic novel - "Goth Quarterback."
RAIDERS 26, FALCONS 20.

Jacksonville (+3) at SAN DIEGO (48): It's tough not to root for a guy named Melvin, isn't it?
JAGUARS 22, CHARGERS 20.

Green Bay (-2.5) at MINNESOTA (44.5): Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of the opposition like standing on the sidelines and hearing, "And your starting quarterback ... SAM BRADFORD!" Still, we don't think the loss of Bridgewater is that big a deal, but we'd still be starting Shaun Hill this week.
VIKINGS 24, PACKERS 23.

Philadelphia (+3) at CHICAGO (43): According to ESPN, Bears QB Jay Cutler says he empathizes with Philly rookie QB Carson Wentz, saying, "I mean, I had the luxury of being able to sit and watch Jake Plummer." Plummer must have been very good at smoking and giving people the finger.
BEARS 24, EAGLES 19.


Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, NY Giants, Jacksonville

The HoserOnTheNFL Thursday Nighter, Week Two, 2016 Edition

Just our quick hitter for tonight's Thursday Night Football tilt.

New York Jets (PK) at BUFFALO (41): The Jets lost a tough one against Cincy last week, but their defense ran wild, registering seven sacks. Expect DC Kacy Rodgers to keep them dialed up, especially considering how flaccid the Bills' passing game looked. Pee-wee teams generally roll up more than 160 yards of total offense.
Darrell Revis will also be looking to make a statement after he was lit up like Chevy Chase at a distillery by A.J. Green. Sammy Watkins is solid, but the bounce back from Revis Island will make it an even uglier day for Tyrod Taylor.
That will also be the last time I ever use the word "flaccid" in a prediction.
JETS 23, BILLS 16.

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One Picks, 2016 Edition

Welcome to Week One of the 2016 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're ready to uphold our six-year tradition of having absolutely no value to bettors.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. The format is as follows: each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use the National Score Predicting League line each week, the fine folks who send me updates every week to tell me how awful I am at this.

For you fellow Canucks, keep an eye out late Saturday or early Sunday for my ProLine Picks, where I'll highlight late injuries and lines that could make for good value. God bless legalized gambling!

Let's get right to the stupidity.

Minnesota (-2) at TENNESSEE (41): Look, I know if Teddy Bridgewater was a horse, they would have put him down, but this is the Titans, for God's sake. Do we really have less than a field goal's faith in the ability of Shaun Hill to hand the ball to AP and throw short passes?
Don't make me think more about that.
VIKINGS 26, TITANS 17.

Tampa Bay (+3) at ATLANTA (47): The Falcons have unveiled plans for a new art collection and a huge statue of a falcon for their new stadium. Have they considered ... a defense?
BUCCANEERS 22, FALCONS 20

Cleveland (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (41.5): Do you think the whole Bradford trade thing looked pretty much like the final scenes in "Draft Day?"
Howie Roseman: "Hey, what else do we need? They're gonna give us a first!"
Random Eagles scout: "I dunno, ask them for a fourth-rounder and maybe they'll throw in a seventh or some footballs."
Roseman: "Jeezus, they took it!"
EAGLES 23, BROWNS 20.

Cincinnati (-2.5) at NY JETS (41.5): Jets fans, you can't be that stoked when the big news of the offseason was whether you would land Ryan Fitzpatrick again. Still, I like the direction of the franchise, something I can't say about the Bengals.
BENGALS 23, JETS 20.

Oakland (+1) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I think this is the beginning of the coming out party for a much better Raiders team, and there's not much to be excited about from a Saints' standpoint. Also, it's seriously time for Mark Davis to give Lloyd Christmas his haircut back.
RAIDERS 29, SAINTS 26.

San Diego (+7) at KANSAS CITY (44.5): I wonder if Joey Bosa was pissed they got a deal done after seeing what a bunch of assclowns the Charger management is? They make Cleveland look like Microsoft.
CHIEFS 31, CHARGERS 19.

Buffalo (+3) at BALTIMORE (44.5): Throw a dart if you're playing a Baltimore running back in your fantasy league tomorrow. They've got Forsett, West, Allen and maybe Alan Ameche.
RAVENS 24, BILLS 20.

New England (+6) at ARIZONA (47): No Brady, no Gronk. On the road and all the way across the country. Why do I feel still uneasy about this?
CARDINALS 24, PATRIOTS 20.

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.
STEELERS 27, RACISTS 20.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Miami (+10.5) at SEATTLE (44): I'll just take a knee on this one.
SEAHAWKS 29, DOLPHINS 19.

The rest:

NY Giants (Pk) at DALLAS (46): COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 23.

Chicago (+6.5) at HOUSTON (44): TEXANS 26, BEARS 16.

Green Bay (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (48): PACKERS 27, JAGUARS 23.

Detroit (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (50.5): COLTS 27, LIONS 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Minnesota, Pittsburgh

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Missed the Thursday night pick, but I would have taken Minnesota and the points. Just the scores today - getting ready for the annual Santa Brunch at Tangle Creek Golf Club in Barrie, ON. Mmm, unlimited smoked salmon.

Pittsburgh (+3) at CINCINNATI (49): Bengals 27, Steelers 20.
Buffalo (-1) at PHILADELPHIA (47): Eagles 23, Bills 20.
Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA (46.5): Panthers 24, Falcons 20.
San Francisco (+1.5) at CLEVELAND (41): Browns 23, 49ers 14.
Washington (+3) at CHICAGO (44): Bears 24, Racists 20.
Detroit (-2.5) at ST. LOUIS (41): Lions 26, Rams 17.
San Diego (+10) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): Chiefs 30, Chargers 21.
New Orleans (+3.5) at TAMPA BAY (50.5): Buccaneers 30, Saints 24.
Indianapolis (+1) at JACKSONVILLE (46): Jaguars 27, Colts 23.
Tennessee (+7) at NEW YORK JETS (43): Jets 22, Titans 20.
New England (-3) at HOUSTON (45): Patriots 24, Texans 17.
Oakland (+7.5) at DENVER (43.5): Broncos 24, Raiders 23.
Dallas (+7) at GREEN BAY (44): Packers 31, Cowboys 16.
Seattle (-9) at BALTIMORE (41.5): Seahawks 24, Ravens 16.
New York Giants (-1.5) at MIAMI (47): Giants 26, Dolphins 22.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Oakland, Green Bay

Last Week
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: +$320

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Welcome to Week 13 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where as we predicted, the Lions just couldn't help Lionsing it up and plucking defeat from the jaws of victory. That was an incredibly well-designed play by the Green Bay staff, but why did Detroit have two guys wandering around in the flats? Sigh, again, it's just what the Lions do.

We were a solid 12-4 both straight up and against the spread last week and hit both our Lock of the Week and our Trifecta, just our first of the season. Probably the last, too.

San Francisco (+7) at CHICAGO (43): Looks like with the emergence of Jeremy Langford, Bears running back Matt Forte will be hitting free agency at the end of the season. Where could he be headed? I'm looking at you, Indianapolis. Bears 24, 49ers 14.
Cincinnati (-9) at CLEVELAND (43.5): I would really like to see the Browns play Ohio State. If that game was in Columbus, would you pick against the Buckeyes? Bengals 30, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43): I still believe in Bortles. Jaguars 23, Titans 20.
Arizona (-5.5) at ST. LOUIS (43): Sam Bradford-for-Nick Foles has turned out to be like swapping lunches in grade school -- you knew the other guy's was crap, too, but maybe his crap would be slightly better than yours. Cardinals 27, Rams 16.
Atlanta (+2) at TAMPA BAY (46): This is a game with huge implications for the NFC South going forward. It looked earlier this season as if the Falcons were back on track, but now it's the Buccaneers who have impressed of late. I like Tampa Bay's roster more, and if Atlanta loses this game, could rumours of another coaching change be far behind? Buccaneers 23, Falcons 20.
Houston (+3) at BUFFALO (41.5): I like the Texans, and the milder weather means they should still be able to throw it. Texans 22, Bills 16.
New York Jets (-2) at NEW YORK GIANTS (45): Uh, wut? Giants 23, Jets 19.
Denver (-4) at SAN DIEGO (43.5): Nothing would make us happier than a totally empty stadium in San Diego. Broncos 27, Chargers 17.
Kansas City (-3) at OAKLAND (44): Ball control. The Chiefs have it, Oakland doesn't. Tight game, but KC stays on track. Chiefs 26, Raiders 20.
Philadelphia (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (49): Angry Patriots + Chip Kelly anything = asskicking extraordinaire. Patriots 33, Eagles 20.
Indianapolis (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH (49): Put nothing past Matt Hasselbeck. Steelers 23, Colts 20.
Dallas (+4) at WASHINGTON (42): Greg Hardy vs. Dan Snyder in a Dickhead Battle Royale. Advantage: Hardy. Racists 23, Cowboys 16.Baltimore (+4) at MIAMI (43.5): Dolphins 24, Ravens 22.
Seattle (PK) at MINNESOTA (41.5): Seahawks 23, Vikings 20.Carolina (-7) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5): Panthers 26, Saints 20.


Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Washington, Houston, Kansas City

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 13 Thursday Edition

Week 12 was an excellent week for The Hoser, where I racked up a 12-4 record both against the spread and straight up. The Broncos not only covering but also winning outright was especially sweet given my insane hatred of the Patriots. Well, not hatred. Intense dislike, maybe.

Just the one game tonight, but it's an interesting match-up.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT (46.5): Are the Packers back? If they continue to get Eddie Lacy involved, maybe. The offense is still short good receivers and the defense - well, no one cares about Green Bay's defense. On the other hand, the Lions are due for a letdown, and I don't say that just because they've won three in a row. I say it because they're the Lions. It's what they do. Packers 24, Lions 20.

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 12 Edition

A decent start to the week with a 2-1 record both straight up and against the spread on Thanksgiving. Good thing I didn't buy a turkey - Chip Kelly delivered one for us.

New Orleans (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): Houston could be alone in first place in the AFC South by the end of the day. Trust me, they're just as surprised as you are. Texans 27, Saints 20.
Minnesota (+2) at ATLANTA (46): I have as much faith in the Falcons as I do in Carly Fiorina's ability to run an economy. You can't just outsource citizens. Vikings 23, Falcons 20.
St. Louis (+9) at CINCINNATI (42): Poor Case Keenum. It's bad enough to be forced back onto the field with a concussion, but then to have to keep playing for the Rams? Bengals 29, Rams 16.
Tampa Bay (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (46.5): I wonder if Germans get all excited, then reread the roster and say, "Oh, that doesn't say HasselHOFF." Colts 24, Buccaneers 20.
Washington (+2.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): I think the NFL should force Washington to drop its nickname and use a randomly selected replacement from the list of trademarks they cited last wee. The Washington Twatty Girls has a lovely ring to it. Giants 29, Racists 23.
Tennessee (+1.5) at OAKLAND (44): Does anyone really believe the Titans are better than Oakland? When you figure in the home-field advantage, that's what this line means. Raiders 24, Titans 20.
Buffalo (+4.5) at KANSAS CITY (41): Tyrod Taylor is hurting, the Bills have a couple D-linemen out and KC is firing on all cylinders. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 26, Bills 10.
Miami (+3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (42.5): Don't mind me - I'm still sore over the Dolphins costing me two tickets last week. Jets 23, Dolphins 17.
San Diego (+4) at JACKSONVILLE (46.5): I'm really pulling for the Jaguars here not out of fandom, but just to see a few more Philip Rivers faces before he rides off into the sunset. Jaguars 24, Chargers 21.
Arizona (-10) at SAN FRANCISCO (45): I'm glad Blaine Gabbert's getting a second chance, but he may not be after today. Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.
Pittsburgh (+4) at SEATTLE (44.5): Ben Roethlisberger's next touchdown pass will put him in 14th place all-time on the NFL list, passing ... Dave Krieg. What the hell? Seahawks 26, Steelers 20.
New England (-3) at DENVER (44): Game of the week, and I'm betting Peyton Manning doesn't see the field again this season after Brock Osweiler helps Denver knock the Patriots out of the ranks of the unbeaten. Broncos 23, Patriots 21.
Baltimore (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): You can tell the Cleveland organization is really disappointed in Johnny Manziel. He was listed on the depth chart this week behind Tim Couch. Browns 22, Ravens 17.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Houston, Cincinnati

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 12 Thanksgiving Edition

Well, it's the Thanksgiving edition in the U.S., at least. We already did ours up here in Canada, and mmm mmmm, I can still taste the moose poutine with toque sauce!

Detroit (PK) at PHILADELPHIA (45.5): This game features teams that make it the equivalent of your two slacker younger brothers: disappointing, underperforming and really not very welcome in the house for the holiday. Get a job, Justin - you can't work at that used clothing store your whole life! Eagles 26, Lions 20.
Carolina (-1) at DALLAS (46): This game scares the hell out of me. I don't see how the Panthers can lose, but if the Cowboys are able to keep the ball on the ground and grind it out like they did against Miami last week, it'll be close and who knows? Also, fuck Greg Hardy. Panthers 24, Cowboys 22.
Chicago (+9) at GREEN BAY (46): The Packers are honouring Brett Favre today. Each fan gets a pair of Wranglers with a penis hanging out, then gets to take the field to force an interception into double coverage. Packers 26, Bears 19.

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 11 Edition

Unfortunately I missed making my Thursday pick. I think that's only the second time in seven years.

Washington (+7) at CAROLINA (45.5): Good thing I dropped Kirk Cousins a couple weeks ago. Panthers 26, Redskins 20.
Oakland (-2) at DETROIT (48): Wow, the Lions won one in a row! Raiders 26, Lions 23.
Dallas (PK) at MIAMI (47): I'm not sure how anyone can root for the Cowboys while they continue to play Greg Hardy. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Dolphins 23, Cowboys 20.
Tampa Bay (+5.5) at PHILADELPHIA (45): I am really, REALLY pulling for Mark Sanchez to keep this job, and not just because I want to see if he can top the Buttfumble. He really deserves another shot. AND SO DOES TEBOW! Eagles 27, Buccaneers 20.
Denver (+1) at CHICAGO (41.5): I feel like the Broncos are going to discover Brock Osweiler is a hell of a lot better than people think. Bears 24, Broncos 20.
Cincinnati (+5) at ARIZONA (48): Welcome back, Andy Dalton! We missed you (not)! Cardinals 29, Bengals 19.
San Francisco (+12.5) at SEATTLE (40.5): The 49ers are exploring trade options for Colin Kaepernick. The Northern Kentucky River Monsters might need a replacement for Jared Lorenzen. Seahawks 26, 49ers 16.
Kansas City (-3) at SAN DIEGO (44.5): The pride is gone out of the Chargers. They had been playing to try and keep fans interested in the team staying, but I think that ship has sailed. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 31, Chargers 13.
Indianapolis (+6) at ATLANTA (47.5): I like Matt Hasselbeck to manage this game and keep it close. Plus the Falcons are REALLY overrated. Falcons 23, Colts 20.
St. Louis (+2) at BALTIMORE (41): Todd Gurley will not be held down two weeks in a row, especially not by this defense. Rams 26, Ravens 20.
New York Jets (-2) at HOUSTON (41.5): Good on Ryan Fitzpatrick for gutting it out, but I don't think it makes it through the half. The Texans are climbing fast and can see the top of a crappy division. Texans 23, Jets 20.
Green Bay (+1) at MINNESOTA (45): This is where the NFC North turns for the next 3-5 years. The Vikings are going to dominate, and the Bears will soon be better than the Packers. Vikings 24, Packers 22.
Buffalo (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (48.5): If this game was in Buffalo I would put my money on the Bills, but the Patriot mojo at home is just too strong to ignore. I still like the Bills to cover. Patriots 27, Bills 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Dallas, Kansas City, Houston

The Hoser's 2005 NFL Picks, Week 10 Edition

Welcome to Week 10 of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where we're still chuckling about Rex Ryan trolling the Jets (and given the reaction, the NFL Network) with IK Enemkpali.

Our thoughts are with those in Paris and Lebanon. Stay strong.

Detroit (+11.5) at GREEN BAY (48): The Lions suck. We all know this. But the Packers have shown definite flaws, and a double-digit spread? I'm not going that far. Packers 31, Lions 20.
Dallas (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): I'm starting to think Washington isn't the most despicable franchise in the league. Thanks, Cowboys! Buccaneers 23, Cowboys 20.
Carolina (-5.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Marcus got me believin' (but not enough to win)! Panthers 24, Titans 20.
Chicago (+7.5) at ST. LOUIS (42.5): There will be two really good young backs in this game. Jeremy Langford is the real deal. Rams 24, Bears 19.
New Orleans (-1) at WASHINGTON (50.5): You know what gets no use? A "D-FENSE" sign owned by a fan of either of these two teams. Saints 27, Racists 24.
Miami (+6.5) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles are a very good 4-4 team. The Dolphins are not a very good team no matter how you parse it. Eagles 27, Dolphins 20.
Cleveland (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (41): Johnny Manziel vs. Landry Jones. Who says the NFL has a quarterback problem! Steelers 20, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+5.5) at BALTIMORE (48): Not as big an upset as Holm/Rousey, but the Jaguars are starting to come on. Jaguars 24, Ravens 20.
Minnesota (+3) at OAKLAND (43): It still seems weird to see the Raiders as favourites a lot, doesn't it? Raiders 26, Vikings 20.
Kansas City (+6.5) at DENVER (42): Are the Chiefs about to pull a reverse KC and get hot in the second half of the season? If you were ever going to beat the Broncos at home, this might be the time ... but probably not. Broncos 26, Chiefs 17.
New England (-7) at NEW YORK GIANTS (54.5): The Giants seem to have some weird voodoo over the Patriots, but a scowling little Belichick doll full of pins is too creepy to imagine. Patriots 33, Giants 27.
Arizona (+3) at SEATTLE (44.5): Keep your eye on the Marshawn Lynch situation. The Cardinals might be without John Brown too, but Lynch would swing this by a field goal. This pick assumes he's in. Seahawks 22, Cardinals 20.
Houston (+10.5) at CINCINNATI (47.5): Won't be much of a game, but maybe JJ Watt will muss Andy Dalton's hair a bit. Bengals 29, Texans 20.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, New Orleans

The Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 10 Thursday Edition

Buffalo (+2.5) at NEW YORK JETS (43): I don't think you have to say much more about this game than former Jets coach Rex Ryan naming IK Enemkpali a gameday captain. Yes, that IK, the one who attempted to separate NY quarterback Geno Smith from a few of his teeth over some money owed.
I would say this is getting this game off on the wrong foot, but as far as Rex is concerned, there is no wrong foot for getting off. Jets 20, Bills 19.

The Hoser's NFL 2015 Picks, Week Nine Edition

Just the picks!

Oakland (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (48): Steelers 27, Raiders 24.
Jacksonville (+6) at NEW YORK JETS (42): Jets 22, Jaguars 13.
St. Louis (+2.5) at MINNESOTA  (39.5): Vikings 23, Rams 20.
Miami (+3) at BUFFALO (44): Bills 24, Dolphins 20.
Tennessee (+8) at NEW ORLEANS (47.5): Saints 31, Titans 14.
Washington (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (52.5): Patriots 34, Racists 16.
Carolina (+2.5) at GREEN BAY (46): Packers 21, Panthers 20.
Atlanta (-7) at SAN FRANCISCO (44.5): Falcons 26, 49ers 17.
New York Giants (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY (47.5): Giants 27, Buccaneers 20.
Denver (-4.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5): Broncos 27, Colts 19.
Philadelphia (-2.5) at DALLAS (44): Eagles 27, Cowboys 17.
Chicago (+4) at SAN DIEGO (49.5): Bears 24, Chargers 19.

Lock of the Week:
Trifecta: New York Jets, New Orleans, Philadelphia

Just the pick tonight -- headed out to the Canadian Sportcard Expo for the weekend!

Cleveland (+10.5) at Cincinnati (46): Don't you just want to paint a sad clown face on Mike Pettine? Poor guy. Bengals 31, Browns 17.

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Six 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Six of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where this week we're turning a single keen eye on this slate of games. Why?

Ever had an eye infection that sent you to the hospital? Right now I make Columbo's occular set-up look normal. Still, thank you to the Canadian health-care system, where a trip to the emergency room, kickass antibiotics and a visit to a top ophthalmologist cost me ... $28.56.

Thanks, Obama!*

Denver (-4) at CLEVELAND (42.5): Just hanging by the side of the road, been out drinking fresh from rehab, banged your girl's head against the car window? Welcome back, Johnny Douchebag. Broncos 24, Browns 17.
Cincinnati (-3.5) at BUFFALO (42.5): E.J. Manuel? *shakes head sadly* Bengals 23, Bills 13.
Kansas City (+4) at MINNESOTA (44): Andy Reid's nightmare continues. No, not the loss of Jamaal Charles - Kansas City area PriceChoppers have run out of Haagen Dazs. Vikings 24, Chiefs 17.
Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE (43): Betting on the Jaguars means thinking Blake Bortles will continue his solid play from last week. Against JJ Watt. So ... Texans 23, Jaguars 20.
Chicago (+3) at DETROIT (43.5): The Bears should be getting at least one receiver back, while the Lions will still be handicapped by the continual non-injury of Matthew Stafford. Bears 20, Lions 17.
Washington (+6) at NY JETS (40.5): I measure how crappy my fantasy football team is by the number of Washington players I have rostered. Right now it's one, so I'm incredible crappy. Jets 22, Racists 17.
Arizona (-3) at PITTSBURGH (44.5): Ooh, the Cardinals are gonna be maaaaad, and Michael Vick is gonna be the one to pay. Cardinals 26, Steelers 16.
Miami (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Mariotta tops The Young and the Listless. Titans 24, Dolphins 20.
Carolina (+7) at SEATTLE (41): I hope the explosion of running back Thomas Rawls makes people remember the REALLY talented Rawls they've forgotten - Lou. Here, I'll help you. Hell, he even sang the Garfield theme! Seahawks 20, Panthers 16.
San Diego (+10.5) at GREEN BAY (50.5): It's tough enough to get up off the mat after last week's crushing last-play defeat, but here, here's 53 tickets to Lambeau Field! Packers 31, Chargers 23.
San Francisco (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (44): Nope, Colin, you're not winning 11 in a row to win the division. You're not even winning this one, even if the Ravens have just activated Bam Morris. Ravens 23, 49ers 20.
Indianapolis (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (55): I'm still not getting off the Brady Train. Patriots 31, Colts 23.
New York Giants (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (49.5): To help with the Eagles' struggles, Chip Kelly has signed seven running backs this week. All of them will join the current Philly RBs and each will get .5 of a touch each week. Eagles 27, Giants 24.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Denver, Houston

* This blog totally gets that health-care issues in the U.S. are not Obama's fault. It's just fun to think about Obama haters thinking, "He's one of us!" and then realizing, no, he's not.

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Six (Thursday Edition)

Welcome to the Thursday Edition of The Football Hoser - just time for a quick wrap of the ... wait, what?

*looks at cease and desist papers handed to him from John Oliver's people*

Okay, we've got a little more time than that.

That goal-line decision by Pittsburgh OC Todd Haley in Monday night win over the Chargers - well, let Dabney Coleman describe it to you far better than I can. That is simply a crazy risk to take, but one that, when it works, puts your team solidly in your corner.

Atlanta (-3.5) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I like the combination of Matt Ryan and Julio Jones as much as anyone, but if Devonta Freeman doesn't carry the ball 30 times, Arthur Blank should bring back Mike Smith. Falcons 29, Saints 20.

WEEK FOUR

ATS: 8-7
SU: 12-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$560

TOTAL

ATS: 28-34-1
SU: 44-19
Lock of the Week: 0-4
Trifecta: 0-4
Total: $2,430

WEEK FIVE

ATS: 6-6-1
SU: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$660

TOTAL

ATS: 26-33-1
SU: 40-21
Lock of the Week: 0-5
Trifecta: 0-5
Total: $3,090 

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Five (Thursday Edition)

Just the pick tonight - full lineup for the week and my Week Four results coming tomorrow!

Indianapolis (+1) at HOUSTON (44.5): Andrew Luck appears to be out again tonight, and with Arian Foster in a better position to get 15-20 touches and the Texan defense not being on the field constantly, I think it might be asking too much of the Colts to win with Matt Hasselbeck again. Texans 23, Colts 20.

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Four 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Four of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where again life imposes and it's just the picks. A weird one this morning, though: @thechrisbarron followed & then unfollowed me. I'm a big @SpinDoctorsBand fan! What did I do, Chris?!?

Jacksonville (+9.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (47): Andrew Luck will not play today, and Matt Hasselbeck is probably not going to get the 33 points I had Indy slated for. Just ... 28 or so. Colts 29, Jaguars 17.
Houston (+6.5) at ATLANTA (46.5): Arian Foster is apparently back, and that's good enough for a cover. Falcons 26, Texans 20.
Carolina (-3) at TAMPA BAY (40): Panthers 24, Buccaneers 20.
New York Giants (+5.5) at BUFFALO (47): Bills 26, Giants 22.
Oakland (-3) at CHICAGO (44): I can't believe I'm doing this. It's been so easy to just pick against the Raiders the last few years. Raiders 26, Bears 20.
Philadelphia (-3) at WASHINGTON (47.5): Still not enough offense from the Racists, and just enough spark from Philly. Eagles 29, Racists 19.
Kansas City (+4) at CINCINNATI (44.5):Bengals 27, Chiefs 21.
Cleveland (+7.5) at SAN DIEGO (45): Got a weird feeling on this one. Chargers 24, Browns 23. 
Green Bay (-8.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (48.5): Packers 30, 49ers 19.
Minnesota (+8.5) at DENVER (42.5): Broncos 24, Vikings 16.
St. Louis (+6.5) at ARIZONA (42.5): Cardinals 31, Rams 13.
Dallas (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (46.5): Saints 24, Cowboys 22.
Detroit (+9.5) at SEATTLE (43): Seahawks 26, Lions 17.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Cleveland, Philadelphia

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Four (Thursday Edition)

We said there was nowhere to go but up, and if you're willing to admit 7-9 against the spread is mathematically better than 6-10, well, PROGRESS! It was another horrible week with a couple of late scores hosing the Hoser (thanks, Tennessee!). We were also 12-4 straight up.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the discussion about the shortage of NFL quarterbacks, can we make an argument that there have never been two QBs this good in the league at the same time? Just when you thought Tom Brady had vaulted himself back to the top of the pack, Aaron Rodgers -- well, there are barely words to describe him dismantling the Chiefs last night. Sure, his O-line play was also excellent, but we're talking about a guy who lost his No. 1 receiver and doesn't appear to even remember his name right now. Unbelievable, and as football fans we're lucky to see these two guys play.

Also, Seth Meyers did this:

And that's funny.

Baltimore (-2.5) at PITTSBURGH (44): You know, this is exactly what the NFL needs right now -- the redemptive story of Michael Vick, fully reformed and ... you know, remorseful ... yeah, he's still a piece of excrement. Ravens 23, Steelers 20.

WEEK THREE

ATS: 7-9
SU: 12-4
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$620

TOTAL

ATS: 20-27-1
SU: 32-16
Lock of the Week: 0-3
Trifecta: 0-3
Total: $1,870

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 3 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Three of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where due to the constraints of life, it's mainly just the picks this week.

Philadelphia (+2.5) at NY JETS (47): Another tough D means another L for Philly. Jets 23, Eagles 20.
New Orleans (+7.5) at CAROLINA (43): The coverage could be just as shitty as Verizon's and Luke McCown still couldn't solve it. Panthers 20, Saints 10.
Jacksonville (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND (47.5): Just about every time I think the line is too big in a New England game, turns out it ain't. Patriots 34, Jaguars 13.
Cincinnati (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (44.5): Normally I would think this is where the Dalton Gang gets shot down, but 37 to the Raiders? Bengals 22, Ravens 20.
Oakland (+3.5) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Really? Back to Josh McCown? Browns 23, Raiders 22.
Indianapolis (-3.5) at TENNESSEE (45.5): The Titans looked terrible on the deep ball last week, and that was just the Browns. Colts 30, Titans 20.
Atlanta (-1) at DALLAS (45): Pretty much a coin flip, but Bryant and now Romo? Actually, yeah. A bunch of handoffs, Weeden throwing to his TEs and the Falcons also down an RB adds up to the home-field advantage winning it. Cowboys 23, Falcons 22.
San Francisco (+6.5) at ARIZONA (44): Which 49ers team shows up this week? Does it matter? Cardinals 31, 49ers 17.
Chicago (+14.5) at SEATTLE (44): You know things are bad when you are wishing Jay Cutler was dressed. Fortunately for Jay, he gets to sit this one out against what we're guessing is an extremely upset Seattle D. Seahawks 27, Bears 16.
Buffalo (+3) at MIAMI (44): This is Sexy Rexy, no other reason. The Dolphins - who can get excited about them? Their mascot should be a piece of dry white toast. Bills 23, Dolphins 20.
Denver (-3) at DETROIT (45.5): People interested in this game are focusing on the wrong quarterback. Peyton will be fine, even if he has to underhand the ball to his receivers. No, is it time for the Lions to move on from Matthew Stafford? Who wouldn't have great numbers with Calvin Johnson? Broncos 24, Lions 17.
Kansas City (+6.5) at GREEN BAY (49): If you look up the phrase "by default," it should simply say, "The Packers winning the NFC North in 2015." A North Korean election is more competitive. Packers 26, Chiefs 20.
Pittsburgh (-1) at ST. LOUIS (47): Steelers 26, Rams 20.
San Diego (+2.5) at MINNESOTA (45): Vikings 22, Chargers 17.
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at HOUSTON (40.5): Buccaneers 19, Texans 17.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Indianapolis, Tampa Bay