The HoserOnTheNFL Thursday Nighter, Week Four, 2016 Edition

Some of you may have noticed The Hoser didn't post picks last week. That's because ... wait, none of you noticed? Well then, I won't bother explaining.

Just our quick hitter for tonight's Thursday Night Football tilt.

Miami (+7) at CINCINNATI (44.5): It's difficult to comprehend how the Dolphins could already have 16 players on the injury report. Do they warm-up by lying down in the parking garage and having the team bus run them over? And it's always nice to think you have your age-old running back issue solved, only to lose the guy and be forced to turn to his petulant backup, who also happens to be the guy you dissed in signing that other aging star in the first place.

Good thing you have Ryan Tannehill!

The Fins drag that motley mess into Cincy, where the Bengals may finally have to decide they have two guys to run their offense through - Jeremy Hill and A.J. Green - and forget everyone else. If they do that, limit Andy Dalton's propensity for stupidity and rely on the defense, they will not only win this game but a whole passel of others.

Bengals 26, Dolphins 17.

The HoserOnTheNFL Thursday Nighter, Week Three, 2016 Edition

Just our quick hitter for tonight's Thursday Night Football tilt.

Houston (-1) at NEW ENGLAND (40.5): We're trying to remember the last time the Patriots would have been an underdog at home. Tony Eason? FDR?
Mysteriously, Jimmy Garropolo was upgraded to doubtful sometime in the past 24 hours. He's still a long shot to play, but it's just another way for Belichick to screw with the league and, more importantly, us bettors. Gronk may play tonight also, but if it's Jacoby Brissett, will it make a difference? Probably not.
Every fiber of our being says to take New England, just because of Belichick ... so we will.

PATRIOTS 23, TEXANS 20.

Side note: Bet the over. Heavily.

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week Two 2016 Pre-Monday Night Update

It's only Week Two of the NFL season but The Hoser has already hit what our readers should expect in a standard week - us hoping we hit the Monday nighter to just reach .500 for the week.

We're 7-8 against the spread and 9-6 straight up, but we did hit the Lock of the Week when Arizona stomped a mud hole in Tampa Bay. Here again is the Monday night pick.

Enjoy the game!

Philadelphia (+3) at CHICAGO (43): According to ESPN, Bears QB Jay Cutler says he empathizes with Philly rookie QB Carson Wentz, saying, "I mean, I had the luxury of being able to sit and watch Jake Plummer." Plummer must have been very good at smoking and giving people the finger.
BEARS 24, EAGLES 19.

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week Two Picks, 2016 Edition

Welcome to Week 2 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where we're still shaking our heads at the incredible cojones of Oakland Raiders HC Jack Del Rio going for the two-point conversion and the win. Somewhere, Al Davis is grinning. It's probably hell, but still.

We opened the season with a 9-7 mark against the spread and 12-4 straight up, but as mentioned previously, our mancrush on Andy Reid foiled us again in the Lock and Trifecta departments. We also won our Thursday night pick with the Jets handling Buffalo, although we couldn't have been much farther off on how the game actually transpired. When the loser had two TD passes that add to more than that team's total offense from the previous week, we're not gonna feel too badly about being wrong.

The Bills also fired their OC this morning, which might seem strange after putting up 31 points, but Buffalo had a defensive TD and held the ball for just over 20 minutes of possession. That's how you wear out a defense, and it's also how you piss off a head coach that wants to control the ball.

On to the picks, and remember: using these picks to bet actual money is advisable as having your big medical records reveal on Dr. Oz.

Tennessee (+5.5) at DETROIT (47): How can you go wrong with a guy named Jim Bob calling your plays? "Take 'at bawwwl o'er there and runnit!"
LIONS 26, TITANS 19.

Kansas City (+2) at HOUSTON (43.5): Mancrush in effect.
CHIEFS 24, TEXANS 21.

Miami (+6.5) at NEW ENGLAND (41.5): As flat as the Dolphins were last week, well ... we expect them to be that flat all season. Even with a back-up and likely no Gronk, it's still Bill's world.
PATRIOTS 27, DOLPHINS 20.

Baltimore (-7) at CLEVELAND (43): When losing your starter and bringing in Josh McCown might be an upgrade ...
RAVENS 24, BROWNS 20.

Cincinnati (+3.5) at PITTSBURGH (47.5): We can deal with constantly being wrong, but it's hard to swallow that six years later, we still can't spell Cincinnati correctly on the first try.
STEELERS 26, BENGALS 23.

Dallas (+3) at WASHINGTON (44.5): Jerry Jones announced plans this week to make better use of the skills evidenced by Dez Bryant at the end of last week's game by stationing him in the parking lot, pointing cars into tough-to-see spots.
RACISTS 23, COWBOYS 21.

New Orleans (+5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (52.5): We're starting Eli over Big Ben in our fantasy league this week. God have mercy on our souls.
GIANTS 31, SAINTS 20.

San Francisco (+14) at CAROLINA (48.5): Two touchdowns seems a little much. Has Kaepernick convinced the entire team to kneel for the whole game?
PANTHERS 27, 49ERS 16.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at ARIZONA (50): We had missed the Buccaneers trading up to get kicker Roberto Aguayo in this year's draft, but he was perfect in his debut, nailing four extra points and a 43-yard field goal. Meanwhile, the player drafted by the Chiefs in the swap, Notred Dame CB KeiVarae Russell, has been cut after one inactive game. And that in a nutshell is the NFL draft.
CARDINALS 30, BUCCANEERS 20.

Seattle (-3.5) at LOS ANGELES (38.5): It's kind of shocking the over/under number is positive.
SEAHAWKS 22, RAMS 17.

Indianapolis (+6) at DENVER (45): Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall lost endorsement deals with CenturyLink and Air Academy Federal Credit Union this week after kneeling for the anthem at Denver's home opener. Fortunately, he has picked up replacement deals including RushCard, Tru-Valu Kneepads and Ayatollah's Surefire Flag-Burning Kits.
BRONCOS 27, COLTS 20.

Atlanta (+5) at OAKLAND (48): Did it appear to anyone else that Derek Carr was wearing eye shadow against New Orleans? That would make a good graphic novel - "Goth Quarterback."
RAIDERS 26, FALCONS 20.

Jacksonville (+3) at SAN DIEGO (48): It's tough not to root for a guy named Melvin, isn't it?
JAGUARS 22, CHARGERS 20.

Green Bay (-2.5) at MINNESOTA (44.5): Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of the opposition like standing on the sidelines and hearing, "And your starting quarterback ... SAM BRADFORD!" Still, we don't think the loss of Bridgewater is that big a deal, but we'd still be starting Shaun Hill this week.
VIKINGS 24, PACKERS 23.

Philadelphia (+3) at CHICAGO (43): According to ESPN, Bears QB Jay Cutler says he empathizes with Philly rookie QB Carson Wentz, saying, "I mean, I had the luxury of being able to sit and watch Jake Plummer." Plummer must have been very good at smoking and giving people the finger.
BEARS 24, EAGLES 19.


Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, NY Giants, Jacksonville

The HoserOnTheNFL's Tuesday Wrap Session, Week 1

Welcome to the Tuesday Wrap Session, where we're not sure whether to congratulate or question the sanity of anyone who sat through last night's late game. Talk about a stinker. Jeff Fisher proved he's just the guy to get his punter named Team MVP.

And it's tough to get excited about the 49ers when the level of competition was ... let's say uneven. Still, the blocking looked solid and the defense might be better than we thought. They'll still go 5-11, though.

During that game, Jeff Haseley of Football Guys asked on Twitter, "Curious how fans in St Louis and the Missouri area feel about this LA Rams team? Still supportive or not so much?" Our response? "Hell, I'm still a #Cardinals fan. If your grandma moves, you don't start loving the people who move into her house."

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh looks to be picking up right where we thought they would be - kicking ass even without Le'Veon Bell. They have to be the favourite for the AFC Championship, and I'm not sure it's really even close. New England ... mayyyybe?

The Hoser finished his week at 9-7 against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Kansas City completely destroyed us, though, as their six-point win was one short of a cover. That wouldn't be so bad, but it turns out that one point and the push would have made our three- and six-team parlays both good. We'll post the Pro-Line pics later.

We'll take tomorrow off and then be back with our Thursday night prediction in the afternoon before the game. Don't forget to check your auction/waiver wires for Mike Wallace!

Week One:
ATS: 9-7
SU: 12-4
LOTW: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Cash: $-270

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One 2016 Pre-Monday Night Update

The Hoser had a decent first Sunday of the season, posting an 8-6 against the spread record and 11-3 straight up. We're still shaking our heads at the finish of the Chiefs/Chargers game, though - that going to OT and KC not getting to kick the extra point took us from having a six-team parlay alive tonight to dead on all tickets. It would have meant a push, but still, hope.

Instead, as per usual we chose Kansas City to be our Lock of the Week, and it turned out the way it normally does for us - in the crapper.

And speaking of the Chargers, man alive, not only do you cough up a huge lead and lose in overtime, you probably lose Keenan Allen for the season. Joey Bosa was probably standing there thinking, "Is it too late to go back in the draft?"



Here are our picks again for the Monday night games:

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.
STEELERS 27, RACISTS 20.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Good luck!

Week One:
ATS: 8-6
SU: 11-3
LOTW: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Cash: $-260

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One Picks, 2016 Edition

Welcome to Week One of the 2016 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're ready to uphold our six-year tradition of having absolutely no value to bettors.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. The format is as follows: each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use the National Score Predicting League line each week, the fine folks who send me updates every week to tell me how awful I am at this.

For you fellow Canucks, keep an eye out late Saturday or early Sunday for my ProLine Picks, where I'll highlight late injuries and lines that could make for good value. God bless legalized gambling!

Let's get right to the stupidity.

Minnesota (-2) at TENNESSEE (41): Look, I know if Teddy Bridgewater was a horse, they would have put him down, but this is the Titans, for God's sake. Do we really have less than a field goal's faith in the ability of Shaun Hill to hand the ball to AP and throw short passes?
Don't make me think more about that.
VIKINGS 26, TITANS 17.

Tampa Bay (+3) at ATLANTA (47): The Falcons have unveiled plans for a new art collection and a huge statue of a falcon for their new stadium. Have they considered ... a defense?
BUCCANEERS 22, FALCONS 20

Cleveland (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (41.5): Do you think the whole Bradford trade thing looked pretty much like the final scenes in "Draft Day?"
Howie Roseman: "Hey, what else do we need? They're gonna give us a first!"
Random Eagles scout: "I dunno, ask them for a fourth-rounder and maybe they'll throw in a seventh or some footballs."
Roseman: "Jeezus, they took it!"
EAGLES 23, BROWNS 20.

Cincinnati (-2.5) at NY JETS (41.5): Jets fans, you can't be that stoked when the big news of the offseason was whether you would land Ryan Fitzpatrick again. Still, I like the direction of the franchise, something I can't say about the Bengals.
BENGALS 23, JETS 20.

Oakland (+1) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I think this is the beginning of the coming out party for a much better Raiders team, and there's not much to be excited about from a Saints' standpoint. Also, it's seriously time for Mark Davis to give Lloyd Christmas his haircut back.
RAIDERS 29, SAINTS 26.

San Diego (+7) at KANSAS CITY (44.5): I wonder if Joey Bosa was pissed they got a deal done after seeing what a bunch of assclowns the Charger management is? They make Cleveland look like Microsoft.
CHIEFS 31, CHARGERS 19.

Buffalo (+3) at BALTIMORE (44.5): Throw a dart if you're playing a Baltimore running back in your fantasy league tomorrow. They've got Forsett, West, Allen and maybe Alan Ameche.
RAVENS 24, BILLS 20.

New England (+6) at ARIZONA (47): No Brady, no Gronk. On the road and all the way across the country. Why do I feel still uneasy about this?
CARDINALS 24, PATRIOTS 20.

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.
STEELERS 27, RACISTS 20.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Miami (+10.5) at SEATTLE (44): I'll just take a knee on this one.
SEAHAWKS 29, DOLPHINS 19.

The rest:

NY Giants (Pk) at DALLAS (46): COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 23.

Chicago (+6.5) at HOUSTON (44): TEXANS 26, BEARS 16.

Green Bay (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (48): PACKERS 27, JAGUARS 23.

Detroit (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (50.5): COLTS 27, LIONS 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Minnesota, Pittsburgh

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Welcome to Week 13 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where as we predicted, the Lions just couldn't help Lionsing it up and plucking defeat from the jaws of victory. That was an incredibly well-designed play by the Green Bay staff, but why did Detroit have two guys wandering around in the flats? Sigh, again, it's just what the Lions do.

We were a solid 12-4 both straight up and against the spread last week and hit both our Lock of the Week and our Trifecta, just our first of the season. Probably the last, too.

San Francisco (+7) at CHICAGO (43): Looks like with the emergence of Jeremy Langford, Bears running back Matt Forte will be hitting free agency at the end of the season. Where could he be headed? I'm looking at you, Indianapolis. Bears 24, 49ers 14.
Cincinnati (-9) at CLEVELAND (43.5): I would really like to see the Browns play Ohio State. If that game was in Columbus, would you pick against the Buckeyes? Bengals 30, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43): I still believe in Bortles. Jaguars 23, Titans 20.
Arizona (-5.5) at ST. LOUIS (43): Sam Bradford-for-Nick Foles has turned out to be like swapping lunches in grade school -- you knew the other guy's was crap, too, but maybe his crap would be slightly better than yours. Cardinals 27, Rams 16.
Atlanta (+2) at TAMPA BAY (46): This is a game with huge implications for the NFC South going forward. It looked earlier this season as if the Falcons were back on track, but now it's the Buccaneers who have impressed of late. I like Tampa Bay's roster more, and if Atlanta loses this game, could rumours of another coaching change be far behind? Buccaneers 23, Falcons 20.
Houston (+3) at BUFFALO (41.5): I like the Texans, and the milder weather means they should still be able to throw it. Texans 22, Bills 16.
New York Jets (-2) at NEW YORK GIANTS (45): Uh, wut? Giants 23, Jets 19.
Denver (-4) at SAN DIEGO (43.5): Nothing would make us happier than a totally empty stadium in San Diego. Broncos 27, Chargers 17.
Kansas City (-3) at OAKLAND (44): Ball control. The Chiefs have it, Oakland doesn't. Tight game, but KC stays on track. Chiefs 26, Raiders 20.
Philadelphia (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (49): Angry Patriots + Chip Kelly anything = asskicking extraordinaire. Patriots 33, Eagles 20.
Indianapolis (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH (49): Put nothing past Matt Hasselbeck. Steelers 23, Colts 20.
Dallas (+4) at WASHINGTON (42): Greg Hardy vs. Dan Snyder in a Dickhead Battle Royale. Advantage: Hardy. Racists 23, Cowboys 16.Baltimore (+4) at MIAMI (43.5): Dolphins 24, Ravens 22.
Seattle (PK) at MINNESOTA (41.5): Seahawks 23, Vikings 20.Carolina (-7) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5): Panthers 26, Saints 20.


Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Washington, Houston, Kansas City

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 13 Thursday Edition

Week 12 was an excellent week for The Hoser, where I racked up a 12-4 record both against the spread and straight up. The Broncos not only covering but also winning outright was especially sweet given my insane hatred of the Patriots. Well, not hatred. Intense dislike, maybe.

Just the one game tonight, but it's an interesting match-up.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT (46.5): Are the Packers back? If they continue to get Eddie Lacy involved, maybe. The offense is still short good receivers and the defense - well, no one cares about Green Bay's defense. On the other hand, the Lions are due for a letdown, and I don't say that just because they've won three in a row. I say it because they're the Lions. It's what they do. Packers 24, Lions 20.

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 12 Edition

A decent start to the week with a 2-1 record both straight up and against the spread on Thanksgiving. Good thing I didn't buy a turkey - Chip Kelly delivered one for us.

New Orleans (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): Houston could be alone in first place in the AFC South by the end of the day. Trust me, they're just as surprised as you are. Texans 27, Saints 20.
Minnesota (+2) at ATLANTA (46): I have as much faith in the Falcons as I do in Carly Fiorina's ability to run an economy. You can't just outsource citizens. Vikings 23, Falcons 20.
St. Louis (+9) at CINCINNATI (42): Poor Case Keenum. It's bad enough to be forced back onto the field with a concussion, but then to have to keep playing for the Rams? Bengals 29, Rams 16.
Tampa Bay (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (46.5): I wonder if Germans get all excited, then reread the roster and say, "Oh, that doesn't say HasselHOFF." Colts 24, Buccaneers 20.
Washington (+2.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): I think the NFL should force Washington to drop its nickname and use a randomly selected replacement from the list of trademarks they cited last wee. The Washington Twatty Girls has a lovely ring to it. Giants 29, Racists 23.
Tennessee (+1.5) at OAKLAND (44): Does anyone really believe the Titans are better than Oakland? When you figure in the home-field advantage, that's what this line means. Raiders 24, Titans 20.
Buffalo (+4.5) at KANSAS CITY (41): Tyrod Taylor is hurting, the Bills have a couple D-linemen out and KC is firing on all cylinders. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 26, Bills 10.
Miami (+3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (42.5): Don't mind me - I'm still sore over the Dolphins costing me two tickets last week. Jets 23, Dolphins 17.
San Diego (+4) at JACKSONVILLE (46.5): I'm really pulling for the Jaguars here not out of fandom, but just to see a few more Philip Rivers faces before he rides off into the sunset. Jaguars 24, Chargers 21.
Arizona (-10) at SAN FRANCISCO (45): I'm glad Blaine Gabbert's getting a second chance, but he may not be after today. Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.
Pittsburgh (+4) at SEATTLE (44.5): Ben Roethlisberger's next touchdown pass will put him in 14th place all-time on the NFL list, passing ... Dave Krieg. What the hell? Seahawks 26, Steelers 20.
New England (-3) at DENVER (44): Game of the week, and I'm betting Peyton Manning doesn't see the field again this season after Brock Osweiler helps Denver knock the Patriots out of the ranks of the unbeaten. Broncos 23, Patriots 21.
Baltimore (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): You can tell the Cleveland organization is really disappointed in Johnny Manziel. He was listed on the depth chart this week behind Tim Couch. Browns 22, Ravens 17.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Houston, Cincinnati

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 12 Thanksgiving Edition

Well, it's the Thanksgiving edition in the U.S., at least. We already did ours up here in Canada, and mmm mmmm, I can still taste the moose poutine with toque sauce!

Detroit (PK) at PHILADELPHIA (45.5): This game features teams that make it the equivalent of your two slacker younger brothers: disappointing, underperforming and really not very welcome in the house for the holiday. Get a job, Justin - you can't work at that used clothing store your whole life! Eagles 26, Lions 20.
Carolina (-1) at DALLAS (46): This game scares the hell out of me. I don't see how the Panthers can lose, but if the Cowboys are able to keep the ball on the ground and grind it out like they did against Miami last week, it'll be close and who knows? Also, fuck Greg Hardy. Panthers 24, Cowboys 22.
Chicago (+9) at GREEN BAY (46): The Packers are honouring Brett Favre today. Each fan gets a pair of Wranglers with a penis hanging out, then gets to take the field to force an interception into double coverage. Packers 26, Bears 19.

The Hoser's 2005 NFL Picks, Week 10 Edition

Welcome to Week 10 of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where we're still chuckling about Rex Ryan trolling the Jets (and given the reaction, the NFL Network) with IK Enemkpali.

Our thoughts are with those in Paris and Lebanon. Stay strong.

Detroit (+11.5) at GREEN BAY (48): The Lions suck. We all know this. But the Packers have shown definite flaws, and a double-digit spread? I'm not going that far. Packers 31, Lions 20.
Dallas (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): I'm starting to think Washington isn't the most despicable franchise in the league. Thanks, Cowboys! Buccaneers 23, Cowboys 20.
Carolina (-5.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Marcus got me believin' (but not enough to win)! Panthers 24, Titans 20.
Chicago (+7.5) at ST. LOUIS (42.5): There will be two really good young backs in this game. Jeremy Langford is the real deal. Rams 24, Bears 19.
New Orleans (-1) at WASHINGTON (50.5): You know what gets no use? A "D-FENSE" sign owned by a fan of either of these two teams. Saints 27, Racists 24.
Miami (+6.5) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles are a very good 4-4 team. The Dolphins are not a very good team no matter how you parse it. Eagles 27, Dolphins 20.
Cleveland (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (41): Johnny Manziel vs. Landry Jones. Who says the NFL has a quarterback problem! Steelers 20, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+5.5) at BALTIMORE (48): Not as big an upset as Holm/Rousey, but the Jaguars are starting to come on. Jaguars 24, Ravens 20.
Minnesota (+3) at OAKLAND (43): It still seems weird to see the Raiders as favourites a lot, doesn't it? Raiders 26, Vikings 20.
Kansas City (+6.5) at DENVER (42): Are the Chiefs about to pull a reverse KC and get hot in the second half of the season? If you were ever going to beat the Broncos at home, this might be the time ... but probably not. Broncos 26, Chiefs 17.
New England (-7) at NEW YORK GIANTS (54.5): The Giants seem to have some weird voodoo over the Patriots, but a scowling little Belichick doll full of pins is too creepy to imagine. Patriots 33, Giants 27.
Arizona (+3) at SEATTLE (44.5): Keep your eye on the Marshawn Lynch situation. The Cardinals might be without John Brown too, but Lynch would swing this by a field goal. This pick assumes he's in. Seahawks 22, Cardinals 20.
Houston (+10.5) at CINCINNATI (47.5): Won't be much of a game, but maybe JJ Watt will muss Andy Dalton's hair a bit. Bengals 29, Texans 20.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, New Orleans

The Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 10 Thursday Edition

Buffalo (+2.5) at NEW YORK JETS (43): I don't think you have to say much more about this game than former Jets coach Rex Ryan naming IK Enemkpali a gameday captain. Yes, that IK, the one who attempted to separate NY quarterback Geno Smith from a few of his teeth over some money owed.
I would say this is getting this game off on the wrong foot, but as far as Rex is concerned, there is no wrong foot for getting off. Jets 20, Bills 19.

The Hoser's NFL 2015 Picks, Week Nine Edition

Just the picks!

Oakland (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (48): Steelers 27, Raiders 24.
Jacksonville (+6) at NEW YORK JETS (42): Jets 22, Jaguars 13.
St. Louis (+2.5) at MINNESOTA  (39.5): Vikings 23, Rams 20.
Miami (+3) at BUFFALO (44): Bills 24, Dolphins 20.
Tennessee (+8) at NEW ORLEANS (47.5): Saints 31, Titans 14.
Washington (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (52.5): Patriots 34, Racists 16.
Carolina (+2.5) at GREEN BAY (46): Packers 21, Panthers 20.
Atlanta (-7) at SAN FRANCISCO (44.5): Falcons 26, 49ers 17.
New York Giants (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY (47.5): Giants 27, Buccaneers 20.
Denver (-4.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5): Broncos 27, Colts 19.
Philadelphia (-2.5) at DALLAS (44): Eagles 27, Cowboys 17.
Chicago (+4) at SAN DIEGO (49.5): Bears 24, Chargers 19.

Lock of the Week:
Trifecta: New York Jets, New Orleans, Philadelphia

Just the pick tonight -- headed out to the Canadian Sportcard Expo for the weekend!

Cleveland (+10.5) at Cincinnati (46): Don't you just want to paint a sad clown face on Mike Pettine? Poor guy. Bengals 31, Browns 17.

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Eight 2015 Thursday Edition

Just a quickie today:

Miami (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (51): This is where the Dan Campbell Love Train runs into a brick wall. As much as I love the direction the Dolphins are headed in, it doesn't change the fact New England is clearly the best team in the league. Playing at home and assuming Brandon LaFell brings both his frigging hands this week, this should be a 10-point game. 

HOWEVER ... a new coach means not much tape to scout, and thanks to a healthy Cameron Wake, the Miami D has suddenly showed some backbone. So, I'm going out on a limb here and picking a closer game than I think anyone expects. Patriots 24, Dolphins 21.

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Six (Thursday Edition)

Welcome to the Thursday Edition of The Football Hoser - just time for a quick wrap of the ... wait, what?

*looks at cease and desist papers handed to him from John Oliver's people*

Okay, we've got a little more time than that.

That goal-line decision by Pittsburgh OC Todd Haley in Monday night win over the Chargers - well, let Dabney Coleman describe it to you far better than I can. That is simply a crazy risk to take, but one that, when it works, puts your team solidly in your corner.

Atlanta (-3.5) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I like the combination of Matt Ryan and Julio Jones as much as anyone, but if Devonta Freeman doesn't carry the ball 30 times, Arthur Blank should bring back Mike Smith. Falcons 29, Saints 20.

WEEK FOUR

ATS: 8-7
SU: 12-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$560

TOTAL

ATS: 28-34-1
SU: 44-19
Lock of the Week: 0-4
Trifecta: 0-4
Total: $2,430

WEEK FIVE

ATS: 6-6-1
SU: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$660

TOTAL

ATS: 26-33-1
SU: 40-21
Lock of the Week: 0-5
Trifecta: 0-5
Total: $3,090 

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Five 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Five of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we wish you a Happy Thanksgiving Canadian style! That's exactly the same as American Thanksgiving, except a lot more apologizing for stealing the last turkey leg.

Just the picks this week, and no, it's not because we're busy cooking. This Chinese food isn't going to order itself.

Jacksonville (+3) at TAMPA BAY (42): Buccaneers 23, Jaguars 19.
Buffalo (-2.5) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Bills 23, Titans 17.
Cleveland (+6.5) at BALTIMORE (43.5): Ravens 24, Browns 18.
Washington (+7.5) at ATLANTA (47.5): Falcons 29, Racists 20.
Chicgao (+9.5) at KANSAS CITY (45): Chiefs 27, Bears 23.
St. Louis (+4.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): Eagles 27, Rams 20.
Seattle (+3) at CINCINNATI (43.5): Bengals 23, Seahawks 17.
Arizona (-2.5) at DETROIT (44): Cardinals 24, Lions 20.
New England (-9) at DALLAS (49.5): Patriots 31, Cowboys 21.
Denver (-5) at OAKLAND (43.5): Raiders 24, Broncos 23.
San Francisco (+7) at NY GIANTS (43): Giants 24, 49ers 16.
Pittsburgh (+3) at SAN DIEGO (45): Chargers 26, Steelers 20.

Lock of the Week: Buffalo
Trifecta: Chicago, Oakland, Buffalo

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Five (Thursday Edition)

Just the pick tonight - full lineup for the week and my Week Four results coming tomorrow!

Indianapolis (+1) at HOUSTON (44.5): Andrew Luck appears to be out again tonight, and with Arian Foster in a better position to get 15-20 touches and the Texan defense not being on the field constantly, I think it might be asking too much of the Colts to win with Matt Hasselbeck again. Texans 23, Colts 20.

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Four 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Four of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where again life imposes and it's just the picks. A weird one this morning, though: @thechrisbarron followed & then unfollowed me. I'm a big @SpinDoctorsBand fan! What did I do, Chris?!?

Jacksonville (+9.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (47): Andrew Luck will not play today, and Matt Hasselbeck is probably not going to get the 33 points I had Indy slated for. Just ... 28 or so. Colts 29, Jaguars 17.
Houston (+6.5) at ATLANTA (46.5): Arian Foster is apparently back, and that's good enough for a cover. Falcons 26, Texans 20.
Carolina (-3) at TAMPA BAY (40): Panthers 24, Buccaneers 20.
New York Giants (+5.5) at BUFFALO (47): Bills 26, Giants 22.
Oakland (-3) at CHICAGO (44): I can't believe I'm doing this. It's been so easy to just pick against the Raiders the last few years. Raiders 26, Bears 20.
Philadelphia (-3) at WASHINGTON (47.5): Still not enough offense from the Racists, and just enough spark from Philly. Eagles 29, Racists 19.
Kansas City (+4) at CINCINNATI (44.5):Bengals 27, Chiefs 21.
Cleveland (+7.5) at SAN DIEGO (45): Got a weird feeling on this one. Chargers 24, Browns 23. 
Green Bay (-8.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (48.5): Packers 30, 49ers 19.
Minnesota (+8.5) at DENVER (42.5): Broncos 24, Vikings 16.
St. Louis (+6.5) at ARIZONA (42.5): Cardinals 31, Rams 13.
Dallas (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (46.5): Saints 24, Cowboys 22.
Detroit (+9.5) at SEATTLE (43): Seahawks 26, Lions 17.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Cleveland, Philadelphia