The HoserOnTheNFL's Tuesday Wrap Session, Week 1

Welcome to the Tuesday Wrap Session, where we're not sure whether to congratulate or question the sanity of anyone who sat through last night's late game. Talk about a stinker. Jeff Fisher proved he's just the guy to get his punter named Team MVP.

And it's tough to get excited about the 49ers when the level of competition was ... let's say uneven. Still, the blocking looked solid and the defense might be better than we thought. They'll still go 5-11, though.

During that game, Jeff Haseley of Football Guys asked on Twitter, "Curious how fans in St Louis and the Missouri area feel about this LA Rams team? Still supportive or not so much?" Our response? "Hell, I'm still a #Cardinals fan. If your grandma moves, you don't start loving the people who move into her house."

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh looks to be picking up right where we thought they would be - kicking ass even without Le'Veon Bell. They have to be the favourite for the AFC Championship, and I'm not sure it's really even close. New England ... mayyyybe?

The Hoser finished his week at 9-7 against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Kansas City completely destroyed us, though, as their six-point win was one short of a cover. That wouldn't be so bad, but it turns out that one point and the push would have made our three- and six-team parlays both good. We'll post the Pro-Line pics later.

We'll take tomorrow off and then be back with our Thursday night prediction in the afternoon before the game. Don't forget to check your auction/waiver wires for Mike Wallace!

Week One:
ATS: 9-7
SU: 12-4
LOTW: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Cash: $-270

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One 2016 Pre-Monday Night Update

The Hoser had a decent first Sunday of the season, posting an 8-6 against the spread record and 11-3 straight up. We're still shaking our heads at the finish of the Chiefs/Chargers game, though - that going to OT and KC not getting to kick the extra point took us from having a six-team parlay alive tonight to dead on all tickets. It would have meant a push, but still, hope.

Instead, as per usual we chose Kansas City to be our Lock of the Week, and it turned out the way it normally does for us - in the crapper.

And speaking of the Chargers, man alive, not only do you cough up a huge lead and lose in overtime, you probably lose Keenan Allen for the season. Joey Bosa was probably standing there thinking, "Is it too late to go back in the draft?"



Here are our picks again for the Monday night games:

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.
STEELERS 27, RACISTS 20.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Good luck!

Week One:
ATS: 8-6
SU: 11-3
LOTW: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Cash: $-260

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One Picks, 2016 Edition

Welcome to Week One of the 2016 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're ready to uphold our six-year tradition of having absolutely no value to bettors.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. The format is as follows: each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use the National Score Predicting League line each week, the fine folks who send me updates every week to tell me how awful I am at this.

For you fellow Canucks, keep an eye out late Saturday or early Sunday for my ProLine Picks, where I'll highlight late injuries and lines that could make for good value. God bless legalized gambling!

Let's get right to the stupidity.

Minnesota (-2) at TENNESSEE (41): Look, I know if Teddy Bridgewater was a horse, they would have put him down, but this is the Titans, for God's sake. Do we really have less than a field goal's faith in the ability of Shaun Hill to hand the ball to AP and throw short passes?
Don't make me think more about that.
VIKINGS 26, TITANS 17.

Tampa Bay (+3) at ATLANTA (47): The Falcons have unveiled plans for a new art collection and a huge statue of a falcon for their new stadium. Have they considered ... a defense?
BUCCANEERS 22, FALCONS 20

Cleveland (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (41.5): Do you think the whole Bradford trade thing looked pretty much like the final scenes in "Draft Day?"
Howie Roseman: "Hey, what else do we need? They're gonna give us a first!"
Random Eagles scout: "I dunno, ask them for a fourth-rounder and maybe they'll throw in a seventh or some footballs."
Roseman: "Jeezus, they took it!"
EAGLES 23, BROWNS 20.

Cincinnati (-2.5) at NY JETS (41.5): Jets fans, you can't be that stoked when the big news of the offseason was whether you would land Ryan Fitzpatrick again. Still, I like the direction of the franchise, something I can't say about the Bengals.
BENGALS 23, JETS 20.

Oakland (+1) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I think this is the beginning of the coming out party for a much better Raiders team, and there's not much to be excited about from a Saints' standpoint. Also, it's seriously time for Mark Davis to give Lloyd Christmas his haircut back.
RAIDERS 29, SAINTS 26.

San Diego (+7) at KANSAS CITY (44.5): I wonder if Joey Bosa was pissed they got a deal done after seeing what a bunch of assclowns the Charger management is? They make Cleveland look like Microsoft.
CHIEFS 31, CHARGERS 19.

Buffalo (+3) at BALTIMORE (44.5): Throw a dart if you're playing a Baltimore running back in your fantasy league tomorrow. They've got Forsett, West, Allen and maybe Alan Ameche.
RAVENS 24, BILLS 20.

New England (+6) at ARIZONA (47): No Brady, no Gronk. On the road and all the way across the country. Why do I feel still uneasy about this?
CARDINALS 24, PATRIOTS 20.

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.
STEELERS 27, RACISTS 20.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Miami (+10.5) at SEATTLE (44): I'll just take a knee on this one.
SEAHAWKS 29, DOLPHINS 19.

The rest:

NY Giants (Pk) at DALLAS (46): COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 23.

Chicago (+6.5) at HOUSTON (44): TEXANS 26, BEARS 16.

Green Bay (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (48): PACKERS 27, JAGUARS 23.

Detroit (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (50.5): COLTS 27, LIONS 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Minnesota, Pittsburgh

Coming back in 2016

As you can tell, The Hoser got busy/lost interest/was strung out on meth for the final few weeks of the 2015 NFL season. It's the first time in a long time I hadn't posted.

I'm not sure whether I'll be coming back for this season or not. I mean, how much fun can I have if I can't point out what a complete dickbag Peyton Manning is every Thursday? Although ... he might still be on TV! If I do return, though, it will be full-on, no screwing around this time. If I feel like I can commit to that, I'll be back.

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Missed the Thursday night pick, but I would have taken Minnesota and the points. Just the scores today - getting ready for the annual Santa Brunch at Tangle Creek Golf Club in Barrie, ON. Mmm, unlimited smoked salmon.

Pittsburgh (+3) at CINCINNATI (49): Bengals 27, Steelers 20.
Buffalo (-1) at PHILADELPHIA (47): Eagles 23, Bills 20.
Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA (46.5): Panthers 24, Falcons 20.
San Francisco (+1.5) at CLEVELAND (41): Browns 23, 49ers 14.
Washington (+3) at CHICAGO (44): Bears 24, Racists 20.
Detroit (-2.5) at ST. LOUIS (41): Lions 26, Rams 17.
San Diego (+10) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): Chiefs 30, Chargers 21.
New Orleans (+3.5) at TAMPA BAY (50.5): Buccaneers 30, Saints 24.
Indianapolis (+1) at JACKSONVILLE (46): Jaguars 27, Colts 23.
Tennessee (+7) at NEW YORK JETS (43): Jets 22, Titans 20.
New England (-3) at HOUSTON (45): Patriots 24, Texans 17.
Oakland (+7.5) at DENVER (43.5): Broncos 24, Raiders 23.
Dallas (+7) at GREEN BAY (44): Packers 31, Cowboys 16.
Seattle (-9) at BALTIMORE (41.5): Seahawks 24, Ravens 16.
New York Giants (-1.5) at MIAMI (47): Giants 26, Dolphins 22.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Oakland, Green Bay

Last Week
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: +$320

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Welcome to Week 13 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where as we predicted, the Lions just couldn't help Lionsing it up and plucking defeat from the jaws of victory. That was an incredibly well-designed play by the Green Bay staff, but why did Detroit have two guys wandering around in the flats? Sigh, again, it's just what the Lions do.

We were a solid 12-4 both straight up and against the spread last week and hit both our Lock of the Week and our Trifecta, just our first of the season. Probably the last, too.

San Francisco (+7) at CHICAGO (43): Looks like with the emergence of Jeremy Langford, Bears running back Matt Forte will be hitting free agency at the end of the season. Where could he be headed? I'm looking at you, Indianapolis. Bears 24, 49ers 14.
Cincinnati (-9) at CLEVELAND (43.5): I would really like to see the Browns play Ohio State. If that game was in Columbus, would you pick against the Buckeyes? Bengals 30, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43): I still believe in Bortles. Jaguars 23, Titans 20.
Arizona (-5.5) at ST. LOUIS (43): Sam Bradford-for-Nick Foles has turned out to be like swapping lunches in grade school -- you knew the other guy's was crap, too, but maybe his crap would be slightly better than yours. Cardinals 27, Rams 16.
Atlanta (+2) at TAMPA BAY (46): This is a game with huge implications for the NFC South going forward. It looked earlier this season as if the Falcons were back on track, but now it's the Buccaneers who have impressed of late. I like Tampa Bay's roster more, and if Atlanta loses this game, could rumours of another coaching change be far behind? Buccaneers 23, Falcons 20.
Houston (+3) at BUFFALO (41.5): I like the Texans, and the milder weather means they should still be able to throw it. Texans 22, Bills 16.
New York Jets (-2) at NEW YORK GIANTS (45): Uh, wut? Giants 23, Jets 19.
Denver (-4) at SAN DIEGO (43.5): Nothing would make us happier than a totally empty stadium in San Diego. Broncos 27, Chargers 17.
Kansas City (-3) at OAKLAND (44): Ball control. The Chiefs have it, Oakland doesn't. Tight game, but KC stays on track. Chiefs 26, Raiders 20.
Philadelphia (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (49): Angry Patriots + Chip Kelly anything = asskicking extraordinaire. Patriots 33, Eagles 20.
Indianapolis (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH (49): Put nothing past Matt Hasselbeck. Steelers 23, Colts 20.
Dallas (+4) at WASHINGTON (42): Greg Hardy vs. Dan Snyder in a Dickhead Battle Royale. Advantage: Hardy. Racists 23, Cowboys 16.Baltimore (+4) at MIAMI (43.5): Dolphins 24, Ravens 22.
Seattle (PK) at MINNESOTA (41.5): Seahawks 23, Vikings 20.Carolina (-7) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5): Panthers 26, Saints 20.


Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Washington, Houston, Kansas City

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 13 Thursday Edition

Week 12 was an excellent week for The Hoser, where I racked up a 12-4 record both against the spread and straight up. The Broncos not only covering but also winning outright was especially sweet given my insane hatred of the Patriots. Well, not hatred. Intense dislike, maybe.

Just the one game tonight, but it's an interesting match-up.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT (46.5): Are the Packers back? If they continue to get Eddie Lacy involved, maybe. The offense is still short good receivers and the defense - well, no one cares about Green Bay's defense. On the other hand, the Lions are due for a letdown, and I don't say that just because they've won three in a row. I say it because they're the Lions. It's what they do. Packers 24, Lions 20.