The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week Eight

Welcome to Week Eight of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we'll be elbow-deep in pumpkin guts during the late games. Nothing beats smells like rotting fruit at work for a week.

The Hoser stumbled again this week, posting just a 6-7 record against the spread and 8-5 straight up. We missed the Trifecta (thanks for sucking, Washington), but we hit our Lock of the Week for a seventh straight week, putting us up $230 for the week and pushing us back over the $3,000 mark for the year.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Michael Young man first base for your church-league softball team.

Indianapolis (+9) at TENNESSEE (44): Titans 24, Colts 16.

Jacksonville (+9.5) at HOUSTON (40.5): Texans 31, Jaguars 14.

Minnesota (+3.5) at CAROLINA (46.5): Panthers 23, Vikings 20.

New Orleans (-13.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (48): Saints 30, Rams 13.

Arizona (+12.5) at BALTIMORE (43): Ravens 24, Cardinals 13.

Miami (+10) at NEW YORK GIANTS (42): Giants 27, Dolphins 10.

Washington (+4) at BUFFALO (45): Bills 26, Racists 20.

Detroit (+3) at DENVER (41.5): Lions 21, Broncos 20.

New England (-2.5) at PITTSBURGH (52): Patriots 30, Steelers 20.

Cleveland (+9.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (38.5): 49ers 26, Bengals 17.

Cincinnati (-1) at SEATTLE (37.5): Bengals 20, Seahawks 16.

Dallas (+3) at PHILADELPHIA (48.5): Cowboys 27, Eagles 24.

San Diego (-3) at KANSAS CITY (44.5): Chargers 24, Chiefs 17.

Lock of the Week: New England

Trifecta: Dallas, New England, Buffalo

2011 Week 7 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-5
Against The Spread: 6-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+230

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 73-31 

Against The Spread: 50-52-1
Lock of the Week: 7-0
Trifecta: 2-5

Money: $+3,030

2011 Week 7 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 7 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $84
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+85

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week Seven

Welcome to Week Seven of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we may have had a worse week than our friend Muammar.

The Hoser suffered what has to be the worst week in our history, dragging to an awful 1-11-1 against the spread mark and 10-3 straight up. Amazingly, the single game we got right? Atlanta hit the Lock of the Week, keeping us unblemished and scoring an important $500. Still, it was a serious blow to our egos, wallets and standing in the handicapper community. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as picking up your next Sunday-go-to-meetin' outfit from Gaddafi's estate sale.

Chicago (+1) @ TAMPA BAY (44): RB LeGarrette Blount is out, and so are the Buccaneers' chances. Bears 22, Bucs 17.

Washington (+1) at CAROLINA (43.5): This is the best move involving a Beck since FOX fired Glenn. Washington 23, Panthers 17.

San Diego (+1) at NY JETS (43.5): Jets DB Darrelle Revis hung up on talk-show host Mike Francesca after the latter said there was an obvious penalty on Revis's interception return last week. I think it's understandable -- who could listen to that accent for more than 30 seconds? Chargers 23, Jets 21.

Seattle (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): I don't think it's the Madden Curse that's screwing Peyton Hillis. He and his agent are doing a fine job of that on their own. Browns 23, Seahawks 20.

Houston (+3.5) at TENNESSEE (44): The line looks strangely off, but the loss of Mario Williams is huge. The Titans should be able to pound the line and control this game. Titans 24, Texans 17.

Denver (-1) at MIAMI (42): I wonder if the 1977 Tampa Bay Buccaneers pop a bottle every time Miami loses this season. Broncos 20, Dolphins 17.

Atlanta (+3.5) at DETROIT (47): Expect Lions head coach Jim Schwartz to show up at midfield after the game wearing boxing gloves. Falcons 24, Lions 20.

Kansas City (+3.5) at OAKLAND (41): The Raiders will be without Sebastian Janikowski, and that affects a line like losing no other kicker in history. Raiders 20, Chiefs 19.

Pittsburgh (-3.5) at ARIZONA (44): Cardinals RB Beanie Wells could get 30 touches in this game. That should keep it close enough for Arizona to cover. Steelers 23, Cardinals 20.

St. Louis Rams (+13.5) at DALLAS (43): You'd think Rams QB Sam Bradford being out would make a difference, but it doesn't. Cowboys 29, Rams 14.

Green Bay (-9.5) at MINNESOTA (47): The Vikings made a good call last week, benching QB Donovan McNabb for rookie Christian Ponder. It's just won't look very good this week. Packers 27, Vikings 17.

Indianapolis (+14.5) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5):Former Colts head coach Tony Dungy said Indianapolis should be interested in collegiate quarterback Andrew Luck. In other news, former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan said people should be interested in money and Dr. Sanjay Gupta announced humans should be interested in breathing. Saints 31, Colts 17.

Baltimore (-9.5) at JACKSONVILLE (40): The Jaguars are averaging 12 points a game, and that won't improve this week. Ravens 26, Jaguars 10.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta

Trifecta: Atlanta, Chicago, Washington

2011 Week 6 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 1-11-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-710

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 65-26
Against The Spread: 44-45-1
Lock of the Week: 6-0
Trifecta: 2-4
Money: $+2,800

2011 Week 6 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 6 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $74
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+95

Down Goes The Hoser! Down Goes The Hoser!

Wow. Just ... wow.

The Hoser suffered what has to be the worst week in our history, dragging to an awful 1-11-1 against the spread mark and 10-3 straight up. Amazingly, the single game we got right? Atlanta hit the Lock of the Week, keeping us unblemished and scoring an important $500.

Still, brutal. Just ... brutal.

2011 Week 6 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 1-11-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-710

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 65-26
Against The Spread: 44-45-1
Lock of the Week: 6-0
Trifecta: 2-4
Money: $+2,800

2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $74
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+95

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week Six

Welcome to Week Six of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we if we were kicking any more ass, we'd change our name to Chuck Norris on the NFL.

The Hoser had a triumphant week. Not only did we post a strong 9-4 mark against the spread and 10-3 straight up, but we also hit both the Lock of the Week (San Diego) and the Trifecta (Chargers, 49ers, Bills). That's a resounding $1,560 to the good for this week. We'd brag we've been banned from Caesar's Palace, but that had more to do with two showgirls, some butterscotch pudding and a trapeze. Don't ask.

For those following our Pro-Line totals, we played $12 and won $25. It would have been $50 on a second three-team parlay, but the Chargers line was -5.5 and we missed a stinking half-point. NORVVVVVVVVVV!

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as investing in the Greek stock market.

 

St. Louis Rams (+14.5) at GREEN BAY (47.5): We have no good reason to think the Packers won't cover this, but more than two TDs gives us the willies anyway. Packers 31, Rams 17.

Jacksonville (+13) at PITTSBURGH (40.5): Despite records, we have no doubt -- the Jaguars are the worst team in the league. Steelers 34, Jaguars 10.

Philadelphia (-2.5) at WASHINGTON (47): We picture a shell-shocked Andy Reid sitting on the couch in sleep pants, sniffling and eating a bathtub-sized carton of Ben & Jerry's. It won't be any better after this. Racists 26, Eagles 22.

San Francisco (+4.5) at DETROIT (46.5): If you said before the season this game would be the most intriguing in the NFL in Week Six, well, nevermind -- nobody did. Lions 27, 49ers 21.

Carolina (+4) at ATLANTA (50.5): A must-win game for the Falcons, and Matt Ryan is 21-5 at home in his career. Atlanta is far better than its 2-3 record. Falcons 24, Panthers 17.

Indianapolis (+6.5) at CINCINNATI (40): Colts owner Jim Irsay is steadfastly clinging to the possibility of Peyton Manning playing this season. We suspect he may be Tweeting from a field somewhere, waiting also on the return of the Great Pumpkin. Bengals 22, Colts 19.

Buffalo (+3.5) at NY GIANTS (50): Nothing to do with the game, but thank you, Jesus, for putting a Buffalo Wild Wings near us in the Great White North. If they have the $.50 chicken legs, we may never go home again. Giants 27, Bills 23.

Houston (+7) at BALTIMORE (45): We believe a little in the Texans now -- but we believe a hell of a lot more in the Raven defense. Ravens 20, Texans 14.

Cleveland (+7) at OAKLAND (44.5): The Raiders have momentum, while the Browns have a disgruntled Peyton Hillis. Raiders 26, Browns 16.

Dallas (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (55):When Laurent Robinson is the answer, you don't want to know the question. Patriots 30, Cowboys 21.

New Orleans (-6) at TAMPA BAY (49): No LeGarrette Blount, no chance. Saints 30, Buccaneers 17.

Minnesota (+1) at CHICAGO (42): As Viking fans long for those halcyon days of Tarvaris Jackson. Vikings 23, Bears 19.

Miami (+7.5) at NEW YORK JETS (42.5): Dolphins WR Brandon Marshall said he plans to get thrown out in the second quarter. That means he`ll be as effective in the second half Monday as he has been in the first four games. Jets 22, Dolphins 17.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta


Trifecta: Atlanta, New Orleans, New York Giants


2011 Week 5 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 9-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,560

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 55-23
Against The Spread: 43-34
Lock of the Week: 5-0
Trifecta: 2-3
Money: $+3,510

2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $12
2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $25
2011 Season Pro-Line: $64
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+105

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Five 2011

Welcome to Week Five of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we picked up some freelance work this week, so late on the picks.

The Hoser suffered through his first losing week of the season, posting a 7-9 mark against the spread and 11-5 straight up. The Giants gave us our four straight Lock of the Week, but Pittsburgh's stinker in Houston cost us a Trifecta win.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as standing any of those folks at the Occupy Wall Street rally. They're doing God's work, but I bet they smell like a bag of dead otters.

Kansas City (+1.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (38.5): I keep waiting for Curtis Painter to turn to the camera and say, "Hey, Bud, let's party!" Colts 20, Chiefs 17.

Arizona (+3) at MINNESOTA (44.5): The Cardinal offense is deader than "The Playboy Club," and not nearly as titillating. Vikings 24, Cardinals 17.

Philadelphia (-3) at BUFFALO (49.5): Do you believe in the Bills or don't you? I think it's more I don't believe in the Dream Team. Bills 26, Eagles 23.

Oakland (+5) at HOUSTON (49): Condolences to Raiders fan both on the loss of Al Davis and the upcoming loss to the Texans. Texans 28, Raiders 24.

New Orleans (-6.5) at CAROLINA (52.5): Cam Newton throws for 8,000 more yards and it doesn't matter. Saints 30, Panthers 20.

Cincinnati (+1) at JACKSONVILLE (37): This won't be much of a game to watch, but it could be worse -- Ashton Kutcher could be involved. Bengals 20, Jaguars 17

Tennessee (+3.5) at PITTSBURGH (40): Nothing to do with football, but watch Troy Polamalu freak some people out. Steelers 23, Titans 20.

Seattle (+10) at NY GIANTS (43.5): Will it be low scoring enough to keep it inside 10 points? Probably, but I'd stay away. Giants 24, Seahawks 16.

Tampa Bay (+2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41): Alex Smith, baby! It only took, what ... 12 years? 49ers 24, Buccaneers 17.

New York Jets (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (49.5):The only thing bigger than Rex Ryan's mouth is the trouble his team has scoring. Patriots 27, Jets 17.

San Diego (-3.5) at DENVER (47): Note to Broncos fans chanting for Tim Tebow -- be careful what you wish for. Chargers 27, Broncos 20.

Green Bay (-5.5) at ATLANTA (53.5): The Packers should win this game, but it means a hell of a lot for the Falcons. It'll stay close. Packers 29, Falcons 24.

Chicago (+5.5) at DETROIT (47.5): I think for Halloween I'm going to scare the hell out of Lions fans by showing up at Ford Field dressed as Matt Millen. Lions 26, Bears 20.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, San Francisco, Buffalo

Over/Under Good Buys:

2011 Week 4 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 7-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-50

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 45-20

Against The Spread: 34-30

Lock of the Week: 4-0
Trifecta: 1-3
Money: $+1,950

2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $52
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+92