Sunday, November 29, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 12 Edition

A decent start to the week with a 2-1 record both straight up and against the spread on Thanksgiving. Good thing I didn't buy a turkey - Chip Kelly delivered one for us.

New Orleans (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): Houston could be alone in first place in the AFC South by the end of the day. Trust me, they're just as surprised as you are. Texans 27, Saints 20.
Minnesota (+2) at ATLANTA (46): I have as much faith in the Falcons as I do in Carly Fiorina's ability to run an economy. You can't just outsource citizens. Vikings 23, Falcons 20.
St. Louis (+9) at CINCINNATI (42): Poor Case Keenum. It's bad enough to be forced back onto the field with a concussion, but then to have to keep playing for the Rams? Bengals 29, Rams 16.
Tampa Bay (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (46.5): I wonder if Germans get all excited, then reread the roster and say, "Oh, that doesn't say HasselHOFF." Colts 24, Buccaneers 20.
Washington (+2.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): I think the NFL should force Washington to drop its nickname and use a randomly selected replacement from the list of trademarks they cited last wee. The Washington Twatty Girls has a lovely ring to it. Giants 29, Racists 23.
Tennessee (+1.5) at OAKLAND (44): Does anyone really believe the Titans are better than Oakland? When you figure in the home-field advantage, that's what this line means. Raiders 24, Titans 20.
Buffalo (+4.5) at KANSAS CITY (41): Tyrod Taylor is hurting, the Bills have a couple D-linemen out and KC is firing on all cylinders. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 26, Bills 10.
Miami (+3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (42.5): Don't mind me - I'm still sore over the Dolphins costing me two tickets last week. Jets 23, Dolphins 17.
San Diego (+4) at JACKSONVILLE (46.5): I'm really pulling for the Jaguars here not out of fandom, but just to see a few more Philip Rivers faces before he rides off into the sunset. Jaguars 24, Chargers 21.
Arizona (-10) at SAN FRANCISCO (45): I'm glad Blaine Gabbert's getting a second chance, but he may not be after today. Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.
Pittsburgh (+4) at SEATTLE (44.5): Ben Roethlisberger's next touchdown pass will put him in 14th place all-time on the NFL list, passing ... Dave Krieg. What the hell? Seahawks 26, Steelers 20.
New England (-3) at DENVER (44): Game of the week, and I'm betting Peyton Manning doesn't see the field again this season after Brock Osweiler helps Denver knock the Patriots out of the ranks of the unbeaten. Broncos 23, Patriots 21.
Baltimore (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): You can tell the Cleveland organization is really disappointed in Johnny Manziel. He was listed on the depth chart this week behind Tim Couch. Browns 22, Ravens 17.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Houston, Cincinnati

Thursday, November 26, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 12 Thanksgiving Edition

Well, it's the Thanksgiving edition in the U.S., at least. We already did ours up here in Canada, and mmm mmmm, I can still taste the moose poutine with toque sauce!

Detroit (PK) at PHILADELPHIA (45.5): This game features teams that make it the equivalent of your two slacker younger brothers: disappointing, underperforming and really not very welcome in the house for the holiday. Get a job, Justin - you can't work at that used clothing store your whole life! Eagles 26, Lions 20.
Carolina (-1) at DALLAS (46): This game scares the hell out of me. I don't see how the Panthers can lose, but if the Cowboys are able to keep the ball on the ground and grind it out like they did against Miami last week, it'll be close and who knows? Also, fuck Greg Hardy. Panthers 24, Cowboys 22.
Chicago (+9) at GREEN BAY (46): The Packers are honouring Brett Favre today. Each fan gets a pair of Wranglers with a penis hanging out, then gets to take the field to force an interception into double coverage. Packers 26, Bears 19.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 11 Edition

Unfortunately I missed making my Thursday pick. I think that's only the second time in seven years.

Washington (+7) at CAROLINA (45.5): Good thing I dropped Kirk Cousins a couple weeks ago. Panthers 26, Redskins 20.
Oakland (-2) at DETROIT (48): Wow, the Lions won one in a row! Raiders 26, Lions 23.
Dallas (PK) at MIAMI (47): I'm not sure how anyone can root for the Cowboys while they continue to play Greg Hardy. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Dolphins 23, Cowboys 20.
Tampa Bay (+5.5) at PHILADELPHIA (45): I am really, REALLY pulling for Mark Sanchez to keep this job, and not just because I want to see if he can top the Buttfumble. He really deserves another shot. AND SO DOES TEBOW! Eagles 27, Buccaneers 20.
Denver (+1) at CHICAGO (41.5): I feel like the Broncos are going to discover Brock Osweiler is a hell of a lot better than people think. Bears 24, Broncos 20.
Cincinnati (+5) at ARIZONA (48): Welcome back, Andy Dalton! We missed you (not)! Cardinals 29, Bengals 19.

San Francisco (+12.5) at SEATTLE (40.5): The 49ers are exploring trade options for Colin Kaepernick. The Northern Kentucky River Monsters might need a replacement for Jared Lorenzen. Seahawks 26, 49ers 16.
Kansas City (-3) at SAN DIEGO (44.5): The pride is gone out of the Chargers. They had been playing to try and keep fans interested in the team staying, but I think that ship has sailed. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 31, Chargers 13.

Indianapolis (+6) at ATLANTA (47.5): I like Matt Hasselbeck to manage this game and keep it close. Plus the Falcons are REALLY overrated. Falcons 23, Colts 20.
St. Louis (+2) at BALTIMORE (41): Todd Gurley will not be held down two weeks in a row, especially not by this defense. Rams 26, Ravens 20.
New York Jets (-2) at HOUSTON (41.5): Good on Ryan Fitzpatrick for gutting it out, but I don't think it makes it through the half. The Texans are climbing fast and can see the top of a crappy division. Texans 23, Jets 20.
Green Bay (+1) at MINNESOTA (45): This is where the NFC North turns for the next 3-5 years. The Vikings are going to dominate, and the Bears will soon be better than the Packers. Vikings 24, Packers 22.

Buffalo (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (48.5): If this game was in Buffalo I would put my money on the Bills, but the Patriot mojo at home is just too strong to ignore. I still like the Bills to cover. Patriots 27, Bills 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Dallas, Kansas City, Houston

Sunday, November 15, 2015

The Hoser's 2005 NFL Picks, Week 10 Edition

Welcome to Week 10 of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where we're still chuckling about Rex Ryan trolling the Jets (and given the reaction, the NFL Network) with IK Enemkpali.

Our thoughts are with those in Paris and Lebanon. Stay strong.

Detroit (+11.5) at GREEN BAY (48): The Lions suck. We all know this. But the Packers have shown definite flaws, and a double-digit spread? I'm not going that far. Packers 31, Lions 20.
Dallas (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): I'm starting to think Washington isn't the most despicable franchise in the league. Thanks, Cowboys! Buccaneers 23, Cowboys 20.
Carolina (-5.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Marcus got me believin' (but not enough to win)! Panthers 24, Titans 20.
Chicago (+7.5) at ST. LOUIS (42.5): There will be two really good young backs in this game. Jeremy Langford is the real deal. Rams 24, Bears 19.
New Orleans (-1) at WASHINGTON (50.5): You know what gets no use? A "D-FENSE" sign owned by a fan of either of these two teams. Saints 27, Racists 24.
Miami (+6.5) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles are a very good 4-4 team. The Dolphins are not a very good team no matter how you parse it. Eagles 27, Dolphins 20.
Cleveland (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (41): Johnny Manziel vs. Landry Jones. Who says the NFL has a quarterback problem! Steelers 20, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+5.5) at BALTIMORE (48): Not as big an upset as Holm/Rousey, but the Jaguars are starting to come on. Jaguars 24, Ravens 20.
Minnesota (+3) at OAKLAND (43): It still seems weird to see the Raiders as favourites a lot, doesn't it? Raiders 26, Vikings 20.
Kansas City (+6.5) at DENVER (42): Are the Chiefs about to pull a reverse KC and get hot in the second half of the season? If you were ever going to beat the Broncos at home, this might be the time ... but probably not. Broncos 26, Chiefs 17.
New England (-7) at NEW YORK GIANTS (54.5): The Giants seem to have some weird voodoo over the Patriots, but a scowling little Belichick doll full of pins is too creepy to imagine. Patriots 33, Giants 27.
Arizona (+3) at SEATTLE (44.5): Keep your eye on the Marshawn Lynch situation. The Cardinals might be without John Brown too, but Lynch would swing this by a field goal. This pick assumes he's in. Seahawks 22, Cardinals 20.
Houston (+10.5) at CINCINNATI (47.5): Won't be much of a game, but maybe JJ Watt will muss Andy Dalton's hair a bit. Bengals 29, Texans 20.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, New Orleans

Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 10 Thursday Edition

Buffalo (+2.5) at NEW YORK JETS (43): I don't think you have to say much more about this game than former Jets coach Rex Ryan naming IK Enemkpali a gameday captain. Yes, that IK, the one who attempted to separate NY quarterback Geno Smith from a few of his teeth over some money owed.
I would say this is getting this game off on the wrong foot, but as far as Rex is concerned, there is no wrong foot for getting off. Jets 20, Bills 19.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

The Hoser's NFL 2015 Picks, Week Nine Edition

Just the picks!

Oakland (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (48): Steelers 27, Raiders 24.
Jacksonville (+6) at NEW YORK JETS (42): Jets 22, Jaguars 13.
St. Louis (+2.5) at MINNESOTA  (39.5): Vikings 23, Rams 20.
Miami (+3) at BUFFALO (44): Bills 24, Dolphins 20.
Tennessee (+8) at NEW ORLEANS (47.5): Saints 31, Titans 14.
Washington (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (52.5): Patriots 34, Racists 16.
Carolina (+2.5) at GREEN BAY (46): Packers 21, Panthers 20.
Atlanta (-7) at SAN FRANCISCO (44.5): Falcons 26, 49ers 17.
New York Giants (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY (47.5): Giants 27, Buccaneers 20.
Denver (-4.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5): Broncos 27, Colts 19.
Philadelphia (-2.5) at DALLAS (44): Eagles 27, Cowboys 17.
Chicago (+4) at SAN DIEGO (49.5): Bears 24, Chargers 19.

Lock of the Week:
Trifecta: New York Jets, New Orleans, Philadelphia

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Just the pick tonight -- headed out to the Canadian Sportcard Expo for the weekend!

Cleveland (+10.5) at Cincinnati (46): Don't you just want to paint a sad clown face on Mike Pettine? Poor guy. Bengals 31, Browns 17.