Sunday, October 19, 2014

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Seven, 2014

Welcome to Week Seven of the 2014 edition of the Football Hoser's NFL picks, where a double shift Saturday and a rare Sunday store opening means a short Hoser.

It was another solid week in Week Six, as I posted a 9-6 against the spread record and 10-4-1 straight up. That last number comes courtesy of Bengals kicker Mike Nugent schtoinking a 36-yard last-second attempt against Carolina, which drew the ire of Cincy CB Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, and you know things are bad when that upstanding citizen feels free to call you out.

The Jets also had a late field-goal try go awry Thursday night against the Patriots, but you can forgive Nick Folk for blasting it a little low from 58 yards. New York still got us the cover, so I'm 1-0 this week.

As always, remember: these picks are for fun. Using these picks to make actual bets is as advisable as trying those canned chicken and dumplings from the dollar store.

Tennessee (+6) at WASHINGTON (46): You know you suck when you're getting nearly a touchdown against a team on a five-game losing streak. Racists 26, Titans 16.
Miami (+3) at CHICAGO (48.5): A strong Bears pass rush equals a long day for Ryan Tannehill. Bears 24, Dolphins 17.
Seattle (-6.5) at ST. LOUIS (43.5): The Seahawks pulled off a stunner this week, trading wide receiver Percy Harvin to the Jets for the equivalent of a bag of dirty jocks. Word is Harvin has anger management issues, so this is a Lorena Bobbitt solution -- hoping the situation improves by removing a dick. Seahawks 26, Rams 20.
Carolina (+6.5) at GREEN BAY (49.5): The Panther defense has given up 34 points a game since Greg Hardy was removed from the team. They sure miss him -- but I bet his ex-girlfriend doesn't. Packers 29, Panthers 26.
Atlanta (+6.5) at BALTIMORE (50): The Falcons are about as stable as Amanda Bynes. Ravens 27, Falcons 20.
Minnesota (+5.5) at BUFFALO (42.5): The Vikings' big plan is apparently to get Matt Asiata more involved this week. That's quite the dynamic coaching staff Minnesota's got up there, huh? Bills 23, Vikings 16.
New Orleans (+2.5) at DETROIT (47): With the line under a field goal, much of this hinges on whether Jimmy Graham suits up. In other words, stay away. (This pick assumes he plays sparingly.) Lions 26, Saints 22.
New York Giants (+6.5) at DALLAS (48): The Cowboys announced this week Pit Bull will play a concert at this year's Thanksgiving game, because nothing says family and giving thanks like weak-assed rap. Cowboys 31, Giants 27.
Arizona (-3.5) at OAKLAND (44.5): Cardinals 26, Raiders 20.
San Francisco (+6.5) at DENVER (50): Broncos 27, 49ers 23.
Houston (+3) at PITTSBURGH (44.5): Steelers 24, Texans 23.
Cincinnati (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (49.5): Colts 27, Bengals 23.
Kansas City (+4) at SAN DIEGO (45): Chargers 26, Chiefs 20.
Cleveland (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (45): Browns 29, Jaguars 17.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Cleveland, Buffalo

2014 Week Six

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 9-6
SU: 10-4-1
Total $: -330

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 1-5
Trifecta: 0-6
ATS: 50-39-2
SU: 55-35-1
Total $: -$1,250 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 7, 2014 -- Thursday Edition

New York Jets (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): I have no good reason to think the Jets will make a game of this, but I do -- at least to get the margin down to single digits. There have to be a number of guys fighting for their lives in New York, the least of which might be skinny-assed Rex Ryan. Expect a few Gostkowski field goals as the Jets stiffen near the goal line. Patriots 26, Jets 17.

2014 Week Six

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 9-6
SU: 10-4-1
Total $: -330

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 1-5
Trifecta: 0-6
ATS: 50-39-2
SU: 55-35-1
Total $: -$1,250

Sunday, October 12, 2014

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Six, 2014

Welcome to Week Six of the 2014 edition of the Football Hoser's NFL picks, where thanks to Thanksgiving and an exploding minivan (don't ask), it's the down and dirty this week.

It was our best week of the season in Week Five, piling up an 11-4 against the spread record and 13-2 straight up. It took me a long way back toward even for the season, but I still didn't win any money on ProLine. I'm already down one after the Texans couldn't quite complete the comeback Thursday night.

As always, remember: these picks are for fun. Using these picks to make actual bets is as advisable as being a major-league umpire and not understanding what a balk is.

Denver (-9.5) at NEW YORK JETS (48): I think if you smashed Michael Vick and Geno Smith together ... Geno Smith would get a venereal disease. Broncos 31, Jets 19.
Jacksonville (+4) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Not yet, Jaguars, not yet. Titans 23, Jaguars 20.
Chicago (+3) at ATLANTA (54.5): This one's at the Georgia Dome, so the Falcons should win by 50 and Matt Ryan will be the Second Coming. Falcons 30, Bears 23.
Green Bay (-2.5) at MIAMI (49): The Double-Check Discount Train is now rolling, and the Dolphins are laying on the track. Packers 29, Dolphins 22.
Detroit (+2) at MINNESOTA (43.5): Megatron is doubtful, but I'm not doubtful Detroit can win on the road. The Lions discover their running game. Lions 21, Vikings 19.
Carolina (+7) at CINCINNATI (43.5): Do the Bengals bounce back from the spanking they got last week? Against the Panthers, they sure do. Bengals 26, Panthers 17.
New England (-2.5) at BUFFALO (45): See the Packers game above. Patriots 30, Bills 17.
San Diego (-7) at OAKLAND (43): All the talk about Jon Gruden coming back to coach the Raiders makes me think of this as the necessary answer to who can solve Oakland's problems. Chargers 33, Raiders 16.
Dallas (+8.5) at SEATTLE (47): Wait, I thought the Cowboys were the '72 Dolphins? Seahawks 26, Cowboys 20.
Washington (+4.5) at ARIZONA (45.5): Charley Trippi might be starting at quarterback for Arizona. Cardinals 24, Racists 20.
New York Giants (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (50.5): This is where the Eagles collapse. Giants 27, Eagles 23.
San Francisco (-3.5) at ST. LOUIS (44): I believe in Austin Davis! (Just not enough to pull this game out.) 49ers 26, Rams 21.
Pittsburgh (+1) at CLEVELAND (47): Browns 23, Steelers 20.
Baltimore (-3.5) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): Ravens 27, Buccaneers 20.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Green Bay, New England

2014 Week Five

Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 11-4
SU: 13-2
Total $: $1,170

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 0-5
ATS: 41-33-2
SU: 45-31
Total $: -$920

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Football Hoser's Week Five 2014 Wrap-up

I had my first big week of the year (sort of -- more on that in a minute). I was 11-4 against the spread and 13-2 straight up, which is by far my best performance of the season, and might have been my best record ATS in a couple years.

I also was finally able to hit a Lock of the Week, as San Diego made the Jets look like, well, the Jets. Unfortunately, I was wrong on both Arizona and Cincy in the Trifecta, but baby steps, right? Just like the NFL and getting rid of guys who hit women.

Stay tuned for the Thursday night pick!

2014 Week Five

Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 11-4
SU: 13-2
Total $: $1,170

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 0-5
ATS: 41-33-2
SU: 45-31
Total $: -$920

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Five, 2014

Welcome to Week Five of the 2014 edition of the Football Hoser's NFL picks, where it's a quickie this week.

We were again right around .500 on our picks against the spread, which is another way of saying lousy. You could just as easily be throwing darts, or having monkey fling crap at a chart. Come to think of it ... *runs off to check availability of www.monkeythrowingcrappicks.com*

We finished at 6-7 for the ATS and a reasonable 8-5 straight up, but once again, we could not pinpoint a single game to make the Lock of the Week. That makes us 0-4 for Locks for the season. It's like Elizabeth Taylor picking husbands.

As always, remember: these picks are for fun. Using these picks to make actual bets is as advisable as not planning out your bridesmaid photos very well.

Houston (+6.5) at Dallas (46.5): If I were Jason Garrett, I'd tell Tony Romo every time he throws an ill-advised pass, he has to kneel down and take a picture next to Jerry Jones' junk. Cowboys 26, Texans 20.
Buffalo (+6.5) at DETROIT (43.5): Because who doesn't want a Dave Grohl lookalike under centre? Lions 24, Bills 20.
Pittsburgh (-6) at JACKSONVILLE (47): I hope the Jaguars fight as hard as Ben Affleck did. I mean, Ben's full of shit on this, but still. Steelers 23, Jaguars 19.
Arizona (+7.5) at DENVER (48): Carson Palmer returns just in time to get the Cardinals' first loss hung on him. Broncos 26, Cardinals 21.
Cincinnati (-1) at NEW ENGLAND (46): This is either going to be the moment Bill Belichick proves his genius beyond measure, or the moment we realize the Patriots are done. I choose the latter. Bengals 27, Patriots 16.
Seattle (-7) at WASHINGTON (45): For some perspective on this game, be sure to find last week's South Park episode "Go Fund Yourself." I'm still chuckling. Seahawks 26, Racists 17.
Chicago (+2.5) at CAROLINA (45.5): Panthers 24, Bears 20.
Cleveland (+1.5) at TENNESSEE (44): Browns 23, Titans 19.
St. Louis (+6.5) at PHILADELPHIA (48): Eagles 31, Rams 21.
Atlanta (+4) at NEW YORK GIANTS (50.5): Giants 30, Falcons 23.
Tampa Bay (+10) at NEW ORLEANS (48): Saints 31, Buccaneers 22.
Kansas City (+5.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): 49ers 24, Chiefs 20.
New York Jets (+6.5) at SAN DIEGO (43.5): Chargers 27, Jets 17.
Baltimore (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (49): Colts 26, Ravens 20.
Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Philadelphia, Cincinnati

2014 Week Four

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 6-7
SU: 8-5
Total $: -$770

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 0-4
Trifecta: 0-4
ATS: 30-29-2
SU: 32-29
Total $: -$2,090

Thursday, October 2, 2014

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 5, 2014 -- Thursday Edition

Minnesota (+9) at GREEN BAY (46.5) This pick comes down to how much you believe. If you believe the Packers have their offensive mojo back, then a double-digit victory is not out of the question. If you believe the Vikings can win convincingly with Christian Ponder replacing the injured Teddy Bridgewater, then ... you're nuts.

Packers 31. Vikings 20.