Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Hoser's Week 12 NFL Picks, Thursday Edition

In the "damned-near impossible to do, but by God, I did it" category, I was a sparkling 11-3 last week against the spread, and still managed to blow the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. In other galling news, Indianapolis cost me three-team and six-team parlays which would have paid $130 on $8 worth of tickets.

Upon further review, Ryan Womeldorf of Two Pad Stack (yeah, it's a hockey site, what of it?) called me out for being an utter moron for taking Indy when New England has clearly been the better team the past umpteen weeks. In my defense, well ... there isn't one. I thought it would take Bill Belichick another week or two to work Jonas Gray into the offense rather than him suddenly becoming Jim Freaking Brown.

By the way, doesn't that name - Jonas Gray - sound like the normal moniker of some caped superhero? I bet it does to the Colts.

Tonight's contest is below. See you on Sunday!

Kansas City (-7.5) at OAKLAND (42.5): You know it's bad when the Raider fan base is calling for the return of ... Hue Jackson? Wow, folks, set your sights a bit higher. Chiefs 23, Raiders 16.

2014 Week 11

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 11-3
SU: 7-7
Total $: +$370

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 3-8
Trifecta: 0-11
ATS: 86-73-2
SU: 99-61-1
Total $: -$1,630 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 11, 2014

We're 1-0 on both counts after getting the Dolphins/Bills tilt right. 

Houston (+3.5) at Cleveland (41): There has to be someone at NASA working on cloning J.J. Watts 52 more times. Browns 23, Texans 20.
Minnesota (+2.5) at Chicago (46): So Adrian Peterson didn't show up for his disciplinary hearing? Who's advising him -- Dewey, Cheatum & Howe? Bears 22, Vikings 16.
Detroit (+1) at Arizona (41.5): Tough week for a back-up to step in, but I'm humming that old Sound of Music tune -- "I have confidence in Drew!" Cardinals 23, Lions 20.
New England (+3) at Indianapolis (58): Please, God, let Vinatieri win it with a 50-yarder at the gun. Colts 31, Patriots 23.
Atlanta (-1) at Carolina (47): At halftime, Green Day will come out and play "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." Falcons 24, Panthers 21.
Cincinnati (+7) at New Orleans (50.5): And then Green Day will fly to ... Saints 31, Bengals 26.
Oakland (+10) at San Diego (44.5): If Marc Davis sells the Raiders, then THAT will tell you the baseline for the value of an NFL franchise. I've got a G-note. Chargers 29, Raiders 17.
Pittsburgh (-6) at Tennessee (47): God help me, I have to root for Roethlisberger this week. Steelers 31, Titans 17. Philadelphia (+5.5) at Green Bay (55): Mark Sanchez vs. Aaron Rodgers. Hmmm. Packers 31, Eagles 23.
Denver (-9.5) at St. Louis (51): Don't know who's starting at QB for the Rams? No worries -- neither does Jeff Fisher. Broncos 26, Rams 19.
San Francisco (-4) at NY Giants (44.5): Here come the goddamned 49ers. 49ers 26, Giants 17.
Seattle (+1.5) at Kansas City (42): Chiefs 24, Seahawks 20.
Tampa Bay (+7.5) at Washington (45.5): Racists 23, Buccaneers 20.


Lock of the Week: Pittsburgh
Trifecta: Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Indianapolis,

2014 Week 10

Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 6-7
SU: 10-3
Total $: +$240

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 3-7
Trifecta: 0-10
ATS: 75-70-2
SU: 92-54-1
Total $: -$2,000

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, 2014 Week 10 Wrap

2014 Week 10

Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 6-7
SU: 10-3
Total $: +$240

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 3-7
Trifecta: 0-10
ATS: 75-70-2
SU: 92-54-1
Total $: -$2,000 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 10, 2014

Dallas (-7.5) at Jacksonville (45): Cowboys 27, Jaguars 16.
Miami (+2.5) at Detroit (43.5): Dolphins 24, Lions 22.
Kansas City (-2) at Buffalo (41.5): Bills 20, Chiefs 19.
San Francisco (-5) at New Orleans (49): Saints 27, 49ers 23.
Tennessee (+9.5) at Baltimore (44): Ravens 31, Titans 13.
New York Jets (+4.5) at Pittsburgh (45.5): Steelers 30, Jets 17.
Atlanta (-2.5) at Tampa Bay (46): Falcons 19, Buccaneers 13.
Denver (-11.5) at Oakland (49): Broncos 34, Raiders 21.
St. Louis (+7) at Arizona (43): Cardinals 26, Rams 20.
New York Giants (+9) at Seattle (44.5): Seahawks 24, Giants 23.
Chicago (+7.5) at Green Bay (53.5): Packers 29, Bears 20.
Carolina (+6.5) at Philadelphia (48): Eagles 26, Panthers 22.


Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Atlanta, New Orleans, New York Giants

Thursday, November 6, 2014

The Hoser's Week 10 NFL Picks, Thursday Edition

Just the pick tonight and this week, as it's the Canadian Sportcard Expo in Toronto this weekend and I'm swamped. I will, however, be meeting Trish Stratus tomorrow night. Save your applause.

Cleveland (+6.5) at Cincinnati (45.5): Ahh, those scrappy Browns ... are going to get smoked by the more talented Bengals.

2014 Week Nine

Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 6-7
SU: 8-5
Total $:+290

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 2-7
Trifecta: 0-9
ATS: 69-63-2
SU: 82-51-1
Total $: -$2,240    

Sunday, November 2, 2014

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Nine, 2014

Welcome to Week Nine of the 2014 edition of the Football Hoser's NFL picks, where my inability to pick a winner rivals Larry King's inability to pick a wife.

I had a decent week against the spread, finishing 8-7 (and 9-6 straight up), but not only did I miss the Lock of the Week, I missed ALL THREE Trifecta games. I believe a friend of mine said he planned to pick the exact opposite of my picks, so if you did, Chris, you owe me lunch.

The finish of that Falcons/Lions game in London set the possibility of the NFL setting up shop overseas back about 50 years. I mean, the Lions iced their own kicker.

As always, remember: these picks are for fun. Using these picks to make actual bets is as advisable as donating money to the Red Cross.


San Diego (+2) at Miami (45): Not a huge fan of the Dolphins, but also not a huge fan of flying all the way across the country. Dolphins 24, Chargers 20.
Jacksonville (+10.5) at Cincinnati (43.5): Bengals 30, Jaguars 13.
Tampa Bay (+7) at Cleveland (43.5): I should have told you all I had Doug Martin on my fantasy team. He's lucky to be alive. Browns 23, Buccaneers 14.
Washington (+1) at Minnesota (43.5): I saw a guy walking around at a hockey game last night wearing a Racists coat. Who the hell is that oblivious? Racists 24, Vikings 20.
Houston (+1.5) at Philadelphia (48.5): Eagles 27, Texans 23.
New York Jets (+9) at Kansas City (42): MICHAELVICKGENOSMITHROFLMAOLOLBBQ. Chiefs 24, Jets 17.
Arizona (PK) at Dallas (44): With Romo out, that should mean more DeMarco Murray, except, how could they possibly use Murray more? Cardinals 26, Cowboys 23.
St. Louis (+9.5) at San Francisco (44): You can't run special-teams tricks every week. 49ers 30, Rams 17.
Denver (-3) at New England (54): I would really love it if Manning and Brady each went out in his first series. Broncos 31, Patriots 30.
Oakland (+14) at Seattle (43): Ah, the Raiders -- the NFL's get-well card. Seahawks 30, Raiders 17.
Baltimore (-1) at Pittsburgh (47.5): Why yes, I did have Roethlisberger on my bench last week. Shut up. Ravens 23, Steelers 20.
Indianapolis (-3) at NY Giants (50.5): Colts 27, Giants 23.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Cleveland, Oakland

2014 Week Eight

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 8-7
SU: 9-6
Total $: -330

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 1-7
Trifecta: 0-8
ATS: 63-56-2
SU: 74-46-1
Total $: -$2,530