Friday, June 17, 2016

Coming back in 2016

As you can tell, The Hoser got busy/lost interest/was strung out on meth for the final few weeks of the 2015 NFL season. It's the first time in a long time I hadn't posted.

I'm not sure whether I'll be coming back for this season or not. I mean, how much fun can I have if I can't point out what a complete dickbag Peyton Manning is every Thursday? Although ... he might still be on TV! If I do return, though, it will be full-on, no screwing around this time. If I feel like I can commit to that, I'll be back.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Missed the Thursday night pick, but I would have taken Minnesota and the points. Just the scores today - getting ready for the annual Santa Brunch at Tangle Creek Golf Club in Barrie, ON. Mmm, unlimited smoked salmon.

Pittsburgh (+3) at CINCINNATI (49): Bengals 27, Steelers 20.
Buffalo (-1) at PHILADELPHIA (47): Eagles 23, Bills 20.
Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA (46.5): Panthers 24, Falcons 20.
San Francisco (+1.5) at CLEVELAND (41): Browns 23, 49ers 14.
Washington (+3) at CHICAGO (44): Bears 24, Racists 20.
Detroit (-2.5) at ST. LOUIS (41): Lions 26, Rams 17.
San Diego (+10) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): Chiefs 30, Chargers 21.
New Orleans (+3.5) at TAMPA BAY (50.5): Buccaneers 30, Saints 24.
Indianapolis (+1) at JACKSONVILLE (46): Jaguars 27, Colts 23.
Tennessee (+7) at NEW YORK JETS (43): Jets 22, Titans 20.
New England (-3) at HOUSTON (45): Patriots 24, Texans 17.
Oakland (+7.5) at DENVER (43.5): Broncos 24, Raiders 23.
Dallas (+7) at GREEN BAY (44): Packers 31, Cowboys 16.
Seattle (-9) at BALTIMORE (41.5): Seahawks 24, Ravens 16.
New York Giants (-1.5) at MIAMI (47): Giants 26, Dolphins 22.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Oakland, Green Bay

Last Week
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: +$320

Sunday, December 6, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Welcome to Week 13 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where as we predicted, the Lions just couldn't help Lionsing it up and plucking defeat from the jaws of victory. That was an incredibly well-designed play by the Green Bay staff, but why did Detroit have two guys wandering around in the flats? Sigh, again, it's just what the Lions do.

We were a solid 12-4 both straight up and against the spread last week and hit both our Lock of the Week and our Trifecta, just our first of the season. Probably the last, too.

San Francisco (+7) at CHICAGO (43): Looks like with the emergence of Jeremy Langford, Bears running back Matt Forte will be hitting free agency at the end of the season. Where could he be headed? I'm looking at you, Indianapolis. Bears 24, 49ers 14.
Cincinnati (-9) at CLEVELAND (43.5): I would really like to see the Browns play Ohio State. If that game was in Columbus, would you pick against the Buckeyes? Bengals 30, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43): I still believe in Bortles. Jaguars 23, Titans 20.
Arizona (-5.5) at ST. LOUIS (43): Sam Bradford-for-Nick Foles has turned out to be like swapping lunches in grade school -- you knew the other guy's was crap, too, but maybe his crap would be slightly better than yours. Cardinals 27, Rams 16.
Atlanta (+2) at TAMPA BAY (46): This is a game with huge implications for the NFC South going forward. It looked earlier this season as if the Falcons were back on track, but now it's the Buccaneers who have impressed of late. I like Tampa Bay's roster more, and if Atlanta loses this game, could rumours of another coaching change be far behind? Buccaneers 23, Falcons 20.
Houston (+3) at BUFFALO (41.5): I like the Texans, and the milder weather means they should still be able to throw it. Texans 22, Bills 16.
New York Jets (-2) at NEW YORK GIANTS (45): Uh, wut? Giants 23, Jets 19.
Denver (-4) at SAN DIEGO (43.5): Nothing would make us happier than a totally empty stadium in San Diego. Broncos 27, Chargers 17.
Kansas City (-3) at OAKLAND (44): Ball control. The Chiefs have it, Oakland doesn't. Tight game, but KC stays on track. Chiefs 26, Raiders 20.
Philadelphia (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (49): Angry Patriots + Chip Kelly anything = asskicking extraordinaire. Patriots 33, Eagles 20.
Indianapolis (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH (49): Put nothing past Matt Hasselbeck. Steelers 23, Colts 20.
Dallas (+4) at WASHINGTON (42): Greg Hardy vs. Dan Snyder in a Dickhead Battle Royale. Advantage: Hardy. Racists 23, Cowboys 16.Baltimore (+4) at MIAMI (43.5): Dolphins 24, Ravens 22.
Seattle (PK) at MINNESOTA (41.5): Seahawks 23, Vikings 20.Carolina (-7) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5): Panthers 26, Saints 20.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Washington, Houston, Kansas City

Thursday, December 3, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 13 Thursday Edition

Week 12 was an excellent week for The Hoser, where I racked up a 12-4 record both against the spread and straight up. The Broncos not only covering but also winning outright was especially sweet given my insane hatred of the Patriots. Well, not hatred. Intense dislike, maybe.

Just the one game tonight, but it's an interesting match-up.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT (46.5): Are the Packers back? If they continue to get Eddie Lacy involved, maybe. The offense is still short good receivers and the defense - well, no one cares about Green Bay's defense. On the other hand, the Lions are due for a letdown, and I don't say that just because they've won three in a row. I say it because they're the Lions. It's what they do. Packers 24, Lions 20.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 12 Edition

A decent start to the week with a 2-1 record both straight up and against the spread on Thanksgiving. Good thing I didn't buy a turkey - Chip Kelly delivered one for us.

New Orleans (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): Houston could be alone in first place in the AFC South by the end of the day. Trust me, they're just as surprised as you are. Texans 27, Saints 20.
Minnesota (+2) at ATLANTA (46): I have as much faith in the Falcons as I do in Carly Fiorina's ability to run an economy. You can't just outsource citizens. Vikings 23, Falcons 20.
St. Louis (+9) at CINCINNATI (42): Poor Case Keenum. It's bad enough to be forced back onto the field with a concussion, but then to have to keep playing for the Rams? Bengals 29, Rams 16.
Tampa Bay (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (46.5): I wonder if Germans get all excited, then reread the roster and say, "Oh, that doesn't say HasselHOFF." Colts 24, Buccaneers 20.
Washington (+2.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): I think the NFL should force Washington to drop its nickname and use a randomly selected replacement from the list of trademarks they cited last wee. The Washington Twatty Girls has a lovely ring to it. Giants 29, Racists 23.
Tennessee (+1.5) at OAKLAND (44): Does anyone really believe the Titans are better than Oakland? When you figure in the home-field advantage, that's what this line means. Raiders 24, Titans 20.
Buffalo (+4.5) at KANSAS CITY (41): Tyrod Taylor is hurting, the Bills have a couple D-linemen out and KC is firing on all cylinders. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 26, Bills 10.
Miami (+3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (42.5): Don't mind me - I'm still sore over the Dolphins costing me two tickets last week. Jets 23, Dolphins 17.
San Diego (+4) at JACKSONVILLE (46.5): I'm really pulling for the Jaguars here not out of fandom, but just to see a few more Philip Rivers faces before he rides off into the sunset. Jaguars 24, Chargers 21.
Arizona (-10) at SAN FRANCISCO (45): I'm glad Blaine Gabbert's getting a second chance, but he may not be after today. Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.
Pittsburgh (+4) at SEATTLE (44.5): Ben Roethlisberger's next touchdown pass will put him in 14th place all-time on the NFL list, passing ... Dave Krieg. What the hell? Seahawks 26, Steelers 20.
New England (-3) at DENVER (44): Game of the week, and I'm betting Peyton Manning doesn't see the field again this season after Brock Osweiler helps Denver knock the Patriots out of the ranks of the unbeaten. Broncos 23, Patriots 21.
Baltimore (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): You can tell the Cleveland organization is really disappointed in Johnny Manziel. He was listed on the depth chart this week behind Tim Couch. Browns 22, Ravens 17.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Houston, Cincinnati

Thursday, November 26, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 12 Thanksgiving Edition

Well, it's the Thanksgiving edition in the U.S., at least. We already did ours up here in Canada, and mmm mmmm, I can still taste the moose poutine with toque sauce!

Detroit (PK) at PHILADELPHIA (45.5): This game features teams that make it the equivalent of your two slacker younger brothers: disappointing, underperforming and really not very welcome in the house for the holiday. Get a job, Justin - you can't work at that used clothing store your whole life! Eagles 26, Lions 20.
Carolina (-1) at DALLAS (46): This game scares the hell out of me. I don't see how the Panthers can lose, but if the Cowboys are able to keep the ball on the ground and grind it out like they did against Miami last week, it'll be close and who knows? Also, fuck Greg Hardy. Panthers 24, Cowboys 22.
Chicago (+9) at GREEN BAY (46): The Packers are honouring Brett Favre today. Each fan gets a pair of Wranglers with a penis hanging out, then gets to take the field to force an interception into double coverage. Packers 26, Bears 19.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 11 Edition

Unfortunately I missed making my Thursday pick. I think that's only the second time in seven years.

Washington (+7) at CAROLINA (45.5): Good thing I dropped Kirk Cousins a couple weeks ago. Panthers 26, Redskins 20.
Oakland (-2) at DETROIT (48): Wow, the Lions won one in a row! Raiders 26, Lions 23.
Dallas (PK) at MIAMI (47): I'm not sure how anyone can root for the Cowboys while they continue to play Greg Hardy. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Dolphins 23, Cowboys 20.
Tampa Bay (+5.5) at PHILADELPHIA (45): I am really, REALLY pulling for Mark Sanchez to keep this job, and not just because I want to see if he can top the Buttfumble. He really deserves another shot. AND SO DOES TEBOW! Eagles 27, Buccaneers 20.
Denver (+1) at CHICAGO (41.5): I feel like the Broncos are going to discover Brock Osweiler is a hell of a lot better than people think. Bears 24, Broncos 20.
Cincinnati (+5) at ARIZONA (48): Welcome back, Andy Dalton! We missed you (not)! Cardinals 29, Bengals 19.

San Francisco (+12.5) at SEATTLE (40.5): The 49ers are exploring trade options for Colin Kaepernick. The Northern Kentucky River Monsters might need a replacement for Jared Lorenzen. Seahawks 26, 49ers 16.
Kansas City (-3) at SAN DIEGO (44.5): The pride is gone out of the Chargers. They had been playing to try and keep fans interested in the team staying, but I think that ship has sailed. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 31, Chargers 13.

Indianapolis (+6) at ATLANTA (47.5): I like Matt Hasselbeck to manage this game and keep it close. Plus the Falcons are REALLY overrated. Falcons 23, Colts 20.
St. Louis (+2) at BALTIMORE (41): Todd Gurley will not be held down two weeks in a row, especially not by this defense. Rams 26, Ravens 20.
New York Jets (-2) at HOUSTON (41.5): Good on Ryan Fitzpatrick for gutting it out, but I don't think it makes it through the half. The Texans are climbing fast and can see the top of a crappy division. Texans 23, Jets 20.
Green Bay (+1) at MINNESOTA (45): This is where the NFC North turns for the next 3-5 years. The Vikings are going to dominate, and the Bears will soon be better than the Packers. Vikings 24, Packers 22.

Buffalo (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (48.5): If this game was in Buffalo I would put my money on the Bills, but the Patriot mojo at home is just too strong to ignore. I still like the Bills to cover. Patriots 27, Bills 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Dallas, Kansas City, Houston