Thursday, September 29, 2016

The HoserOnTheNFL Thursday Nighter, Week Four, 2016 Edition

Some of you may have noticed The Hoser didn't post picks last week. That's because ... wait, none of you noticed? Well then, I won't bother explaining.

Just our quick hitter for tonight's Thursday Night Football tilt.

Miami (+7) at CINCINNATI (44.5): It's difficult to comprehend how the Dolphins could already have 16 players on the injury report. Do they warm-up by lying down in the parking garage and having the team bus run them over? And it's always nice to think you have your age-old running back issue solved, only to lose the guy and be forced to turn to his petulant backup, who also happens to be the guy you dissed in signing that other aging star in the first place.

Good thing you have Ryan Tannehill!

The Fins drag that motley mess into Cincy, where the Bengals may finally have to decide they have two guys to run their offense through - Jeremy Hill and A.J. Green - and forget everyone else. If they do that, limit Andy Dalton's propensity for stupidity and rely on the defense, they will not only win this game but a whole passel of others.

Bengals 26, Dolphins 17.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

The HoserOnTheNFL Thursday Nighter, Week Three, 2016 Edition

Just our quick hitter for tonight's Thursday Night Football tilt.

Houston (-1) at NEW ENGLAND (40.5): We're trying to remember the last time the Patriots would have been an underdog at home. Tony Eason? FDR?
Mysteriously, Jimmy Garropolo was upgraded to doubtful sometime in the past 24 hours. He's still a long shot to play, but it's just another way for Belichick to screw with the league and, more importantly, us bettors. Gronk may play tonight also, but if it's Jacoby Brissett, will it make a difference? Probably not.
Every fiber of our being says to take New England, just because of Belichick ... so we will.


Side note: Bet the over. Heavily.

Monday, September 19, 2016

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week Two 2016 Pre-Monday Night Update

It's only Week Two of the NFL season but The Hoser has already hit what our readers should expect in a standard week - us hoping we hit the Monday nighter to just reach .500 for the week.

We're 7-8 against the spread and 9-6 straight up, but we did hit the Lock of the Week when Arizona stomped a mud hole in Tampa Bay. Here again is the Monday night pick.

Enjoy the game!

Philadelphia (+3) at CHICAGO (43): According to ESPN, Bears QB Jay Cutler says he empathizes with Philly rookie QB Carson Wentz, saying, "I mean, I had the luxury of being able to sit and watch Jake Plummer." Plummer must have been very good at smoking and giving people the finger.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week Two Picks, 2016 Edition

Welcome to Week 2 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where we're still shaking our heads at the incredible cojones of Oakland Raiders HC Jack Del Rio going for the two-point conversion and the win. Somewhere, Al Davis is grinning. It's probably hell, but still.

We opened the season with a 9-7 mark against the spread and 12-4 straight up, but as mentioned previously, our mancrush on Andy Reid foiled us again in the Lock and Trifecta departments. We also won our Thursday night pick with the Jets handling Buffalo, although we couldn't have been much farther off on how the game actually transpired. When the loser had two TD passes that add to more than that team's total offense from the previous week, we're not gonna feel too badly about being wrong.

The Bills also fired their OC this morning, which might seem strange after putting up 31 points, but Buffalo had a defensive TD and held the ball for just over 20 minutes of possession. That's how you wear out a defense, and it's also how you piss off a head coach that wants to control the ball.

On to the picks, and remember: using these picks to bet actual money is advisable as having your big medical records reveal on Dr. Oz.

Tennessee (+5.5) at DETROIT (47): How can you go wrong with a guy named Jim Bob calling your plays? "Take 'at bawwwl o'er there and runnit!"

Kansas City (+2) at HOUSTON (43.5): Mancrush in effect.

Miami (+6.5) at NEW ENGLAND (41.5): As flat as the Dolphins were last week, well ... we expect them to be that flat all season. Even with a back-up and likely no Gronk, it's still Bill's world.

Baltimore (-7) at CLEVELAND (43): When losing your starter and bringing in Josh McCown might be an upgrade ...

Cincinnati (+3.5) at PITTSBURGH (47.5): We can deal with constantly being wrong, but it's hard to swallow that six years later, we still can't spell Cincinnati correctly on the first try.

Dallas (+3) at WASHINGTON (44.5): Jerry Jones announced plans this week to make better use of the skills evidenced by Dez Bryant at the end of last week's game by stationing him in the parking lot, pointing cars into tough-to-see spots.

New Orleans (+5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (52.5): We're starting Eli over Big Ben in our fantasy league this week. God have mercy on our souls.

San Francisco (+14) at CAROLINA (48.5): Two touchdowns seems a little much. Has Kaepernick convinced the entire team to kneel for the whole game?
PANTHERS 27, 49ERS 16.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at ARIZONA (50): We had missed the Buccaneers trading up to get kicker Roberto Aguayo in this year's draft, but he was perfect in his debut, nailing four extra points and a 43-yard field goal. Meanwhile, the player drafted by the Chiefs in the swap, Notred Dame CB KeiVarae Russell, has been cut after one inactive game. And that in a nutshell is the NFL draft.

Seattle (-3.5) at LOS ANGELES (38.5): It's kind of shocking the over/under number is positive.

Indianapolis (+6) at DENVER (45): Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall lost endorsement deals with CenturyLink and Air Academy Federal Credit Union this week after kneeling for the anthem at Denver's home opener. Fortunately, he has picked up replacement deals including RushCard, Tru-Valu Kneepads and Ayatollah's Surefire Flag-Burning Kits.

Atlanta (+5) at OAKLAND (48): Did it appear to anyone else that Derek Carr was wearing eye shadow against New Orleans? That would make a good graphic novel - "Goth Quarterback."

Jacksonville (+3) at SAN DIEGO (48): It's tough not to root for a guy named Melvin, isn't it?

Green Bay (-2.5) at MINNESOTA (44.5): Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of the opposition like standing on the sidelines and hearing, "And your starting quarterback ... SAM BRADFORD!" Still, we don't think the loss of Bridgewater is that big a deal, but we'd still be starting Shaun Hill this week.

Philadelphia (+3) at CHICAGO (43): According to ESPN, Bears QB Jay Cutler says he empathizes with Philly rookie QB Carson Wentz, saying, "I mean, I had the luxury of being able to sit and watch Jake Plummer." Plummer must have been very good at smoking and giving people the finger.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, NY Giants, Jacksonville

Thursday, September 15, 2016

The HoserOnTheNFL Thursday Nighter, Week Two, 2016 Edition

Just our quick hitter for tonight's Thursday Night Football tilt.

New York Jets (PK) at BUFFALO (41): The Jets lost a tough one against Cincy last week, but their defense ran wild, registering seven sacks. Expect DC Kacy Rodgers to keep them dialed up, especially considering how flaccid the Bills' passing game looked. Pee-wee teams generally roll up more than 160 yards of total offense.
Darrell Revis will also be looking to make a statement after he was lit up like Chevy Chase at a distillery by A.J. Green. Sammy Watkins is solid, but the bounce back from Revis Island will make it an even uglier day for Tyrod Taylor.
That will also be the last time I ever use the word "flaccid" in a prediction.
JETS 23, BILLS 16.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

The HoserOnTheNFL's Tuesday Wrap Session, Week 1

Welcome to the Tuesday Wrap Session, where we're not sure whether to congratulate or question the sanity of anyone who sat through last night's late game. Talk about a stinker. Jeff Fisher proved he's just the guy to get his punter named Team MVP.

And it's tough to get excited about the 49ers when the level of competition was ... let's say uneven. Still, the blocking looked solid and the defense might be better than we thought. They'll still go 5-11, though.

During that game, Jeff Haseley of Football Guys asked on Twitter, "Curious how fans in St Louis and the Missouri area feel about this LA Rams team? Still supportive or not so much?" Our response? "Hell, I'm still a fan. If your grandma moves, you don't start loving the people who move into her house."

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh looks to be picking up right where we thought they would be - kicking ass even without Le'Veon Bell. They have to be the favourite for the AFC Championship, and I'm not sure it's really even close. New England ... mayyyybe?

The Hoser finished his week at 9-7 against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Kansas City completely destroyed us, though, as their six-point win was one short of a cover. That wouldn't be so bad, but it turns out that one point and the push would have made our three- and six-team parlays both good. We'll post the Pro-Line pics later.

We'll take tomorrow off and then be back with our Thursday night prediction in the afternoon before the game. Don't forget to check your auction/waiver wires for Mike Wallace!

Week One:
ATS: 9-7
SU: 12-4
LOTW: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Cash: $-270

Monday, September 12, 2016

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One 2016 Pre-Monday Night Update

The Hoser had a decent first Sunday of the season, posting an 8-6 against the spread record and 11-3 straight up. We're still shaking our heads at the finish of the Chiefs/Chargers game, though - that going to OT and KC not getting to kick the extra point took us from having a six-team parlay alive tonight to dead on all tickets. It would have meant a push, but still, hope.

Instead, as per usual we chose Kansas City to be our Lock of the Week, and it turned out the way it normally does for us - in the crapper.

And speaking of the Chargers, man alive, not only do you cough up a huge lead and lose in overtime, you probably lose Keenan Allen for the season. Joey Bosa was probably standing there thinking, "Is it too late to go back in the draft?"

Here are our picks again for the Monday night games:

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Good luck!

Week One:
ATS: 8-6
SU: 11-3
LOTW: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Cash: $-260

Saturday, September 10, 2016

The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One Picks, 2016 Edition

Welcome to Week One of the 2016 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're ready to uphold our six-year tradition of having absolutely no value to bettors.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. The format is as follows: each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use the National Score Predicting League line each week, the fine folks who send me updates every week to tell me how awful I am at this.

For you fellow Canucks, keep an eye out late Saturday or early Sunday for my ProLine Picks, where I'll highlight late injuries and lines that could make for good value. God bless legalized gambling!

Let's get right to the stupidity.

Minnesota (-2) at TENNESSEE (41): Look, I know if Teddy Bridgewater was a horse, they would have put him down, but this is the Titans, for God's sake. Do we really have less than a field goal's faith in the ability of Shaun Hill to hand the ball to AP and throw short passes?
Don't make me think more about that.

Tampa Bay (+3) at ATLANTA (47): The Falcons have unveiled plans for a new art collection and a huge statue of a falcon for their new stadium. Have they considered ... a defense?

Cleveland (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (41.5): Do you think the whole Bradford trade thing looked pretty much like the final scenes in "Draft Day?"
Howie Roseman: "Hey, what else do we need? They're gonna give us a first!"
Random Eagles scout: "I dunno, ask them for a fourth-rounder and maybe they'll throw in a seventh or some footballs."
Roseman: "Jeezus, they took it!"

Cincinnati (-2.5) at NY JETS (41.5): Jets fans, you can't be that stoked when the big news of the offseason was whether you would land Ryan Fitzpatrick again. Still, I like the direction of the franchise, something I can't say about the Bengals.

Oakland (+1) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I think this is the beginning of the coming out party for a much better Raiders team, and there's not much to be excited about from a Saints' standpoint. Also, it's seriously time for Mark Davis to give Lloyd Christmas his haircut back.

San Diego (+7) at KANSAS CITY (44.5): I wonder if Joey Bosa was pissed they got a deal done after seeing what a bunch of assclowns the Charger management is? They make Cleveland look like Microsoft.

Buffalo (+3) at BALTIMORE (44.5): Throw a dart if you're playing a Baltimore running back in your fantasy league tomorrow. They've got Forsett, West, Allen and maybe Alan Ameche.

New England (+6) at ARIZONA (47): No Brady, no Gronk. On the road and all the way across the country. Why do I feel still uneasy about this?

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Miami (+10.5) at SEATTLE (44): I'll just take a knee on this one.

The rest:

NY Giants (Pk) at DALLAS (46): COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 23.

Chicago (+6.5) at HOUSTON (44): TEXANS 26, BEARS 16.

Green Bay (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (48): PACKERS 27, JAGUARS 23.

Detroit (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (50.5): COLTS 27, LIONS 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Minnesota, Pittsburgh