Sunday, December 13, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Missed the Thursday night pick, but I would have taken Minnesota and the points. Just the scores today - getting ready for the annual Santa Brunch at Tangle Creek Golf Club in Barrie, ON. Mmm, unlimited smoked salmon.

Pittsburgh (+3) at CINCINNATI (49): Bengals 27, Steelers 20.
Buffalo (-1) at PHILADELPHIA (47): Eagles 23, Bills 20.
Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA (46.5): Panthers 24, Falcons 20.
San Francisco (+1.5) at CLEVELAND (41): Browns 23, 49ers 14.
Washington (+3) at CHICAGO (44): Bears 24, Racists 20.
Detroit (-2.5) at ST. LOUIS (41): Lions 26, Rams 17.
San Diego (+10) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): Chiefs 30, Chargers 21.
New Orleans (+3.5) at TAMPA BAY (50.5): Buccaneers 30, Saints 24.
Indianapolis (+1) at JACKSONVILLE (46): Jaguars 27, Colts 23.
Tennessee (+7) at NEW YORK JETS (43): Jets 22, Titans 20.
New England (-3) at HOUSTON (45): Patriots 24, Texans 17.
Oakland (+7.5) at DENVER (43.5): Broncos 24, Raiders 23.
Dallas (+7) at GREEN BAY (44): Packers 31, Cowboys 16.
Seattle (-9) at BALTIMORE (41.5): Seahawks 24, Ravens 16.
New York Giants (-1.5) at MIAMI (47): Giants 26, Dolphins 22.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Oakland, Green Bay

Last Week
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: +$320

Sunday, December 6, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 13 Edition

Welcome to Week 13 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where as we predicted, the Lions just couldn't help Lionsing it up and plucking defeat from the jaws of victory. That was an incredibly well-designed play by the Green Bay staff, but why did Detroit have two guys wandering around in the flats? Sigh, again, it's just what the Lions do.

We were a solid 12-4 both straight up and against the spread last week and hit both our Lock of the Week and our Trifecta, just our first of the season. Probably the last, too.

San Francisco (+7) at CHICAGO (43): Looks like with the emergence of Jeremy Langford, Bears running back Matt Forte will be hitting free agency at the end of the season. Where could he be headed? I'm looking at you, Indianapolis. Bears 24, 49ers 14.
Cincinnati (-9) at CLEVELAND (43.5): I would really like to see the Browns play Ohio State. If that game was in Columbus, would you pick against the Buckeyes? Bengals 30, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43): I still believe in Bortles. Jaguars 23, Titans 20.
Arizona (-5.5) at ST. LOUIS (43): Sam Bradford-for-Nick Foles has turned out to be like swapping lunches in grade school -- you knew the other guy's was crap, too, but maybe his crap would be slightly better than yours. Cardinals 27, Rams 16.
Atlanta (+2) at TAMPA BAY (46): This is a game with huge implications for the NFC South going forward. It looked earlier this season as if the Falcons were back on track, but now it's the Buccaneers who have impressed of late. I like Tampa Bay's roster more, and if Atlanta loses this game, could rumours of another coaching change be far behind? Buccaneers 23, Falcons 20.
Houston (+3) at BUFFALO (41.5): I like the Texans, and the milder weather means they should still be able to throw it. Texans 22, Bills 16.
New York Jets (-2) at NEW YORK GIANTS (45): Uh, wut? Giants 23, Jets 19.
Denver (-4) at SAN DIEGO (43.5): Nothing would make us happier than a totally empty stadium in San Diego. Broncos 27, Chargers 17.
Kansas City (-3) at OAKLAND (44): Ball control. The Chiefs have it, Oakland doesn't. Tight game, but KC stays on track. Chiefs 26, Raiders 20.
Philadelphia (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (49): Angry Patriots + Chip Kelly anything = asskicking extraordinaire. Patriots 33, Eagles 20.
Indianapolis (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH (49): Put nothing past Matt Hasselbeck. Steelers 23, Colts 20.
Dallas (+4) at WASHINGTON (42): Greg Hardy vs. Dan Snyder in a Dickhead Battle Royale. Advantage: Hardy. Racists 23, Cowboys 16.Baltimore (+4) at MIAMI (43.5): Dolphins 24, Ravens 22.
Seattle (PK) at MINNESOTA (41.5): Seahawks 23, Vikings 20.Carolina (-7) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5): Panthers 26, Saints 20.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Washington, Houston, Kansas City

Thursday, December 3, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 13 Thursday Edition

Week 12 was an excellent week for The Hoser, where I racked up a 12-4 record both against the spread and straight up. The Broncos not only covering but also winning outright was especially sweet given my insane hatred of the Patriots. Well, not hatred. Intense dislike, maybe.

Just the one game tonight, but it's an interesting match-up.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT (46.5): Are the Packers back? If they continue to get Eddie Lacy involved, maybe. The offense is still short good receivers and the defense - well, no one cares about Green Bay's defense. On the other hand, the Lions are due for a letdown, and I don't say that just because they've won three in a row. I say it because they're the Lions. It's what they do. Packers 24, Lions 20.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 12 Edition

A decent start to the week with a 2-1 record both straight up and against the spread on Thanksgiving. Good thing I didn't buy a turkey - Chip Kelly delivered one for us.

New Orleans (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): Houston could be alone in first place in the AFC South by the end of the day. Trust me, they're just as surprised as you are. Texans 27, Saints 20.
Minnesota (+2) at ATLANTA (46): I have as much faith in the Falcons as I do in Carly Fiorina's ability to run an economy. You can't just outsource citizens. Vikings 23, Falcons 20.
St. Louis (+9) at CINCINNATI (42): Poor Case Keenum. It's bad enough to be forced back onto the field with a concussion, but then to have to keep playing for the Rams? Bengals 29, Rams 16.
Tampa Bay (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (46.5): I wonder if Germans get all excited, then reread the roster and say, "Oh, that doesn't say HasselHOFF." Colts 24, Buccaneers 20.
Washington (+2.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): I think the NFL should force Washington to drop its nickname and use a randomly selected replacement from the list of trademarks they cited last wee. The Washington Twatty Girls has a lovely ring to it. Giants 29, Racists 23.
Tennessee (+1.5) at OAKLAND (44): Does anyone really believe the Titans are better than Oakland? When you figure in the home-field advantage, that's what this line means. Raiders 24, Titans 20.
Buffalo (+4.5) at KANSAS CITY (41): Tyrod Taylor is hurting, the Bills have a couple D-linemen out and KC is firing on all cylinders. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 26, Bills 10.
Miami (+3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (42.5): Don't mind me - I'm still sore over the Dolphins costing me two tickets last week. Jets 23, Dolphins 17.
San Diego (+4) at JACKSONVILLE (46.5): I'm really pulling for the Jaguars here not out of fandom, but just to see a few more Philip Rivers faces before he rides off into the sunset. Jaguars 24, Chargers 21.
Arizona (-10) at SAN FRANCISCO (45): I'm glad Blaine Gabbert's getting a second chance, but he may not be after today. Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.
Pittsburgh (+4) at SEATTLE (44.5): Ben Roethlisberger's next touchdown pass will put him in 14th place all-time on the NFL list, passing ... Dave Krieg. What the hell? Seahawks 26, Steelers 20.
New England (-3) at DENVER (44): Game of the week, and I'm betting Peyton Manning doesn't see the field again this season after Brock Osweiler helps Denver knock the Patriots out of the ranks of the unbeaten. Broncos 23, Patriots 21.
Baltimore (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): You can tell the Cleveland organization is really disappointed in Johnny Manziel. He was listed on the depth chart this week behind Tim Couch. Browns 22, Ravens 17.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Houston, Cincinnati

Thursday, November 26, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks 2015, Week 12 Thanksgiving Edition

Well, it's the Thanksgiving edition in the U.S., at least. We already did ours up here in Canada, and mmm mmmm, I can still taste the moose poutine with toque sauce!

Detroit (PK) at PHILADELPHIA (45.5): This game features teams that make it the equivalent of your two slacker younger brothers: disappointing, underperforming and really not very welcome in the house for the holiday. Get a job, Justin - you can't work at that used clothing store your whole life! Eagles 26, Lions 20.
Carolina (-1) at DALLAS (46): This game scares the hell out of me. I don't see how the Panthers can lose, but if the Cowboys are able to keep the ball on the ground and grind it out like they did against Miami last week, it'll be close and who knows? Also, fuck Greg Hardy. Panthers 24, Cowboys 22.
Chicago (+9) at GREEN BAY (46): The Packers are honouring Brett Favre today. Each fan gets a pair of Wranglers with a penis hanging out, then gets to take the field to force an interception into double coverage. Packers 26, Bears 19.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 11 Edition

Unfortunately I missed making my Thursday pick. I think that's only the second time in seven years.

Washington (+7) at CAROLINA (45.5): Good thing I dropped Kirk Cousins a couple weeks ago. Panthers 26, Redskins 20.
Oakland (-2) at DETROIT (48): Wow, the Lions won one in a row! Raiders 26, Lions 23.
Dallas (PK) at MIAMI (47): I'm not sure how anyone can root for the Cowboys while they continue to play Greg Hardy. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Dolphins 23, Cowboys 20.
Tampa Bay (+5.5) at PHILADELPHIA (45): I am really, REALLY pulling for Mark Sanchez to keep this job, and not just because I want to see if he can top the Buttfumble. He really deserves another shot. AND SO DOES TEBOW! Eagles 27, Buccaneers 20.
Denver (+1) at CHICAGO (41.5): I feel like the Broncos are going to discover Brock Osweiler is a hell of a lot better than people think. Bears 24, Broncos 20.
Cincinnati (+5) at ARIZONA (48): Welcome back, Andy Dalton! We missed you (not)! Cardinals 29, Bengals 19.

San Francisco (+12.5) at SEATTLE (40.5): The 49ers are exploring trade options for Colin Kaepernick. The Northern Kentucky River Monsters might need a replacement for Jared Lorenzen. Seahawks 26, 49ers 16.
Kansas City (-3) at SAN DIEGO (44.5): The pride is gone out of the Chargers. They had been playing to try and keep fans interested in the team staying, but I think that ship has sailed. This could get really ugly. Chiefs 31, Chargers 13.

Indianapolis (+6) at ATLANTA (47.5): I like Matt Hasselbeck to manage this game and keep it close. Plus the Falcons are REALLY overrated. Falcons 23, Colts 20.
St. Louis (+2) at BALTIMORE (41): Todd Gurley will not be held down two weeks in a row, especially not by this defense. Rams 26, Ravens 20.
New York Jets (-2) at HOUSTON (41.5): Good on Ryan Fitzpatrick for gutting it out, but I don't think it makes it through the half. The Texans are climbing fast and can see the top of a crappy division. Texans 23, Jets 20.
Green Bay (+1) at MINNESOTA (45): This is where the NFC North turns for the next 3-5 years. The Vikings are going to dominate, and the Bears will soon be better than the Packers. Vikings 24, Packers 22.

Buffalo (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (48.5): If this game was in Buffalo I would put my money on the Bills, but the Patriot mojo at home is just too strong to ignore. I still like the Bills to cover. Patriots 27, Bills 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Dallas, Kansas City, Houston

Sunday, November 15, 2015

The Hoser's 2005 NFL Picks, Week 10 Edition

Welcome to Week 10 of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where we're still chuckling about Rex Ryan trolling the Jets (and given the reaction, the NFL Network) with IK Enemkpali.

Our thoughts are with those in Paris and Lebanon. Stay strong.

Detroit (+11.5) at GREEN BAY (48): The Lions suck. We all know this. But the Packers have shown definite flaws, and a double-digit spread? I'm not going that far. Packers 31, Lions 20.
Dallas (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): I'm starting to think Washington isn't the most despicable franchise in the league. Thanks, Cowboys! Buccaneers 23, Cowboys 20.
Carolina (-5.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Marcus got me believin' (but not enough to win)! Panthers 24, Titans 20.
Chicago (+7.5) at ST. LOUIS (42.5): There will be two really good young backs in this game. Jeremy Langford is the real deal. Rams 24, Bears 19.
New Orleans (-1) at WASHINGTON (50.5): You know what gets no use? A "D-FENSE" sign owned by a fan of either of these two teams. Saints 27, Racists 24.
Miami (+6.5) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles are a very good 4-4 team. The Dolphins are not a very good team no matter how you parse it. Eagles 27, Dolphins 20.
Cleveland (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (41): Johnny Manziel vs. Landry Jones. Who says the NFL has a quarterback problem! Steelers 20, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (+5.5) at BALTIMORE (48): Not as big an upset as Holm/Rousey, but the Jaguars are starting to come on. Jaguars 24, Ravens 20.
Minnesota (+3) at OAKLAND (43): It still seems weird to see the Raiders as favourites a lot, doesn't it? Raiders 26, Vikings 20.
Kansas City (+6.5) at DENVER (42): Are the Chiefs about to pull a reverse KC and get hot in the second half of the season? If you were ever going to beat the Broncos at home, this might be the time ... but probably not. Broncos 26, Chiefs 17.
New England (-7) at NEW YORK GIANTS (54.5): The Giants seem to have some weird voodoo over the Patriots, but a scowling little Belichick doll full of pins is too creepy to imagine. Patriots 33, Giants 27.
Arizona (+3) at SEATTLE (44.5): Keep your eye on the Marshawn Lynch situation. The Cardinals might be without John Brown too, but Lynch would swing this by a field goal. This pick assumes he's in. Seahawks 22, Cardinals 20.
Houston (+10.5) at CINCINNATI (47.5): Won't be much of a game, but maybe JJ Watt will muss Andy Dalton's hair a bit. Bengals 29, Texans 20.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, New Orleans

Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week 10 Thursday Edition

Buffalo (+2.5) at NEW YORK JETS (43): I don't think you have to say much more about this game than former Jets coach Rex Ryan naming IK Enemkpali a gameday captain. Yes, that IK, the one who attempted to separate NY quarterback Geno Smith from a few of his teeth over some money owed.
I would say this is getting this game off on the wrong foot, but as far as Rex is concerned, there is no wrong foot for getting off. Jets 20, Bills 19.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

The Hoser's NFL 2015 Picks, Week Nine Edition

Just the picks!

Oakland (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (48): Steelers 27, Raiders 24.
Jacksonville (+6) at NEW YORK JETS (42): Jets 22, Jaguars 13.
St. Louis (+2.5) at MINNESOTA  (39.5): Vikings 23, Rams 20.
Miami (+3) at BUFFALO (44): Bills 24, Dolphins 20.
Tennessee (+8) at NEW ORLEANS (47.5): Saints 31, Titans 14.
Washington (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (52.5): Patriots 34, Racists 16.
Carolina (+2.5) at GREEN BAY (46): Packers 21, Panthers 20.
Atlanta (-7) at SAN FRANCISCO (44.5): Falcons 26, 49ers 17.
New York Giants (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY (47.5): Giants 27, Buccaneers 20.
Denver (-4.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5): Broncos 27, Colts 19.
Philadelphia (-2.5) at DALLAS (44): Eagles 27, Cowboys 17.
Chicago (+4) at SAN DIEGO (49.5): Bears 24, Chargers 19.

Lock of the Week:
Trifecta: New York Jets, New Orleans, Philadelphia

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Just the pick tonight -- headed out to the Canadian Sportcard Expo for the weekend!

Cleveland (+10.5) at Cincinnati (46): Don't you just want to paint a sad clown face on Mike Pettine? Poor guy. Bengals 31, Browns 17.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Eight 2015 Edition

Just the picks this week:

Kansas City (at London) (-6) vs. DETROIT (45.5): Again, filed late, but as you can tell from last week's pick, I haven't looked. Lions 23, Chiefs 20
Minnesota (-2.5) at CHICAGO (42): Vikings 24, Bears 17.
Tampa Bay (+7) at ATLANTA (49): Falcons 31, Buccaneers 20.
New York Giants (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5): Saints 26, Giants 23.
San Francisco (+8.5) at ST. LOUIS (39.5): Rams 30, 49ers 13.
Arizona (-4.5) at CLEVELAND (47): Cardinals 29, Browns 22.
Cincinnati (+1) at PITTSBURGH (48): Bengals 24, Steelers 21.
San Diego (+3) at BALTIMORE (50.5): Ravens 26, Chargers 20.
Tennessee (+4.5) at HOUSTON (43.5): Texans 19, Titans 13.
New York Jets (-1.5) at OAKLAND (44.5): Jets 27, Raiders 24.
Seattle (-6) at DALLAS (40.5): Seahawks 24, Cowboys 17.
Green  Bay (-3) at DENVER (45.5): Packers 30, Broncos 20.
Indianapolis (+6.5) at CAROLINA (46): Panthers 24, Colts 20.

Lock of the Week: St. Louis
Trifecta: St. Louis, Atlanta, Cincinnati

Thursday, October 29, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Eight 2015 Thursday Edition

Just a quickie today:

Miami (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (51): This is where the Dan Campbell Love Train runs into a brick wall. As much as I love the direction the Dolphins are headed in, it doesn't change the fact New England is clearly the best team in the league. Playing at home and assuming Brandon LaFell brings both his frigging hands this week, this should be a 10-point game. 
HOWEVER ... a new coach means not much tape to scout, and thanks to a healthy Cameron Wake, the Miami D has suddenly showed some backbone. So, I'm going out on a limb here and picking a closer game than I think anyone expects. Patriots 24, Dolphins 21.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Seven 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Seven of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where my eye's all better, but my ability to handicap games still sucks.

Actually hit my first Lock of the Week last week, which makes me 1-5 on the season. That seems almost impossible, doesn't it? I pick far too many road teams.

Also, this is being posted after the start of the game in London, but I promise I haven't looked - the kids have monopolized the TV watching some Russian cartoon featuring a bear and a little girl in a babushka. I have no idea either.

Buffalo (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (42): Cheerios (I haven't had breakfast yet)! Bills 24, Jaguars 16.
Cleveland (+5.5) at ST. LOUIS (42): I assume this is predicated on Todd Gurley continuing to go nuts, and I can't really argue with that. Rams 23, Browns 20.
Pittsburgh (-2) at KANSAS CITY (42): Do we dare pick a third-string quarterback? We do! Steelers 24, Chiefs 17.
Houston (+4.5) at MIAMI (44.5): The "new coach smell" will last for at least another week or so. Dolphins 23, Texans 20.
New York Jets (+9) at NEW ENGLAND (48.5): Chris Ivory runnin' wild! It'll slow down the game enough that the Jets can stay within 10. Patriots 26, Jets 19.
Minnesota (-2.5) at DETROIT (44.5): Of COURSE I picked last week to rip Matthew Stafford. Look for him to step up again this week. Lions 24, Vikings 20.
Atlanta (-4) at TENNESSEE (48): Anyone else still think Jake Locker is the back-up? Falcons 26, Titans 13.
Tampa Bay (+3.5) at WASHINGTON (43): I read an article saying racism has played a part in why Kirk Cousins gets a longer leash than RGIII did. Really. Racism. Around a team named "Redskins." Buccaneers 20, Racists 17.
New Orleans (+5) at INDIANAPOLIS (52): Andrew Luck's got to get it going at some point, right? Colts 30, Saints 23.
Oakland (+4) at SAN DIEGO (47): Did you know Philip Rivers and his wife are expected their eighth child? Calling TLC! Chargers 24, Raiders 21.
Dallas (+3.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (45.5): Does anyone trust the Giants' offense at this point? They're up and down like a hooker's panties. Giants 26, Cowboys 23.
Philadelphia (+3) at CAROLINA (46): Have a strange feeling the Kelly offense is going to explode this week. Eagles 33, Panthers 20.
Baltimore (+7.5) at ARIZONA (48.5): Mars needs women and the Ravens need receivers. Cardinals 27, Ravens 16.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Detroit, Atlanta, Philadelphia

Thursday, October 22, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Seven 2015 Thursday Edition

Attending an @OHLBarrieColts game tonight, so just the pick!

Seattle (-6) at SAN FRANCISCO (42): Fred Jackson crashed his Corvette outside the Seahawks' training facility this week. Jackson denied rumours he had been drag racing Marshawn Lynch and attempted to go around him before Pete Carroll jumped out of a bush screaming, "Don't try the pass! It's a bad idea!" SEAHAWKS 23, 49ERS 20.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Six 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Six of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where this week we're turning a single keen eye on this slate of games. Why?

Ever had an eye infection that sent you to the hospital? Right now I make Columbo's occular set-up look normal. Still, thank you to the Canadian health-care system, where a trip to the emergency room, kickass antibiotics and a visit to a top ophthalmologist cost me ... $28.56.

Thanks, Obama!*

Denver (-4) at CLEVELAND (42.5): Just hanging by the side of the road, been out drinking fresh from rehab, banged your girl's head against the car window? Welcome back, Johnny Douchebag. Broncos 24, Browns 17.
Cincinnati (-3.5) at BUFFALO (42.5): E.J. Manuel? *shakes head sadly* Bengals 23, Bills 13.
Kansas City (+4) at MINNESOTA (44): Andy Reid's nightmare continues. No, not the loss of Jamaal Charles - Kansas City area PriceChoppers have run out of Haagen Dazs. Vikings 24, Chiefs 17.
Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE (43): Betting on the Jaguars means thinking Blake Bortles will continue his solid play from last week. Against JJ Watt. So ... Texans 23, Jaguars 20.
Chicago (+3) at DETROIT (43.5): The Bears should be getting at least one receiver back, while the Lions will still be handicapped by the continual non-injury of Matthew Stafford. Bears 20, Lions 17.
Washington (+6) at NY JETS (40.5): I measure how crappy my fantasy football team is by the number of Washington players I have rostered. Right now it's one, so I'm incredible crappy. Jets 22, Racists 17.
Arizona (-3) at PITTSBURGH (44.5): Ooh, the Cardinals are gonna be maaaaad, and Michael Vick is gonna be the one to pay. Cardinals 26, Steelers 16.
Miami (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Mariotta tops The Young and the Listless. Titans 24, Dolphins 20.
Carolina (+7) at SEATTLE (41): I hope the explosion of running back Thomas Rawls makes people remember the REALLY talented Rawls they've forgotten - Lou. Here, I'll help you. Hell, he even sang the Garfield theme! Seahawks 20, Panthers 16.
San Diego (+10.5) at GREEN BAY (50.5): It's tough enough to get up off the mat after last week's crushing last-play defeat, but here, here's 53 tickets to Lambeau Field! Packers 31, Chargers 23.
San Francisco (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (44): Nope, Colin, you're not winning 11 in a row to win the division. You're not even winning this one, even if the Ravens have just activated Bam Morris. Ravens 23, 49ers 20.
Indianapolis (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (55): I'm still not getting off the Brady Train. Patriots 31, Colts 23.
New York Giants (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (49.5): To help with the Eagles' struggles, Chip Kelly has signed seven running backs this week. All of them will join the current Philly RBs and each will get .5 of a touch each week. Eagles 27, Giants 24.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Denver, Houston

* This blog totally gets that health-care issues in the U.S. are not Obama's fault. It's just fun to think about Obama haters thinking, "He's one of us!" and then realizing, no, he's not.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Six (Thursday Edition)

Welcome to the Thursday Edition of The Football Hoser - just time for a quick wrap of the ... wait, what?

*looks at cease and desist papers handed to him from John Oliver's people*

Okay, we've got a little more time than that.

That goal-line decision by Pittsburgh OC Todd Haley in Monday night win over the Chargers - well, let Dabney Coleman describe it to you far better than I can. That is simply a crazy risk to take, but one that, when it works, puts your team solidly in your corner.

Atlanta (-3.5) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I like the combination of Matt Ryan and Julio Jones as much as anyone, but if Devonta Freeman doesn't carry the ball 30 times, Arthur Blank should bring back Mike Smith. Falcons 29, Saints 20.


ATS: 8-7
SU: 12-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$560


ATS: 28-34-1
SU: 44-19
Lock of the Week: 0-4
Trifecta: 0-4
Total: $2,430


ATS: 6-6-1
SU: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$660


ATS: 26-33-1
SU: 40-21
Lock of the Week: 0-5
Trifecta: 0-5
Total: $3,090 

Sunday, October 11, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Five 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Five of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we wish you a Happy Thanksgiving Canadian style! That's exactly the same as American Thanksgiving, except a lot more apologizing for stealing the last turkey leg.

Just the picks this week, and no, it's not because we're busy cooking. This Chinese food isn't going to order itself.

Jacksonville (+3) at TAMPA BAY (42): Buccaneers 23, Jaguars 19.
Buffalo (-2.5) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Bills 23, Titans 17.
Cleveland (+6.5) at BALTIMORE (43.5): Ravens 24, Browns 18.
Washington (+7.5) at ATLANTA (47.5): Falcons 29, Racists 20.
Chicgao (+9.5) at KANSAS CITY (45): Chiefs 27, Bears 23.
St. Louis (+4.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): Eagles 27, Rams 20.
Seattle (+3) at CINCINNATI (43.5): Bengals 23, Seahawks 17.
Arizona (-2.5) at DETROIT (44): Cardinals 24, Lions 20.
New England (-9) at DALLAS (49.5): Patriots 31, Cowboys 21.
Denver (-5) at OAKLAND (43.5): Raiders 24, Broncos 23.
San Francisco (+7) at NY GIANTS (43): Giants 24, 49ers 16.
Pittsburgh (+3) at SAN DIEGO (45): Chargers 26, Steelers 20.

Lock of the Week: Buffalo
Trifecta: Chicago, Oakland, Buffalo

Thursday, October 8, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Five (Thursday Edition)

Just the pick tonight - full lineup for the week and my Week Four results coming tomorrow!

Indianapolis (+1) at HOUSTON (44.5): Andrew Luck appears to be out again tonight, and with Arian Foster in a better position to get 15-20 touches and the Texan defense not being on the field constantly, I think it might be asking too much of the Colts to win with Matt Hasselbeck again. Texans 23, Colts 20.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Four 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Four of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where again life imposes and it's just the picks. A weird one this morning, though: followed & then unfollowed me. I'm a big fan! What did I do, Chris?!?

Jacksonville (+9.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (47): Andrew Luck will not play today, and Matt Hasselbeck is probably not going to get the 33 points I had Indy slated for. Just ... 28 or so. Colts 29, Jaguars 17.
Houston (+6.5) at ATLANTA (46.5): Arian Foster is apparently back, and that's good enough for a cover. Falcons 26, Texans 20.
Carolina (-3) at TAMPA BAY (40): Panthers 24, Buccaneers 20.
New York Giants (+5.5) at BUFFALO (47): Bills 26, Giants 22.
Oakland (-3) at CHICAGO (44): I can't believe I'm doing this. It's been so easy to just pick against the Raiders the last few years. Raiders 26, Bears 20.
Philadelphia (-3) at WASHINGTON (47.5): Still not enough offense from the Racists, and just enough spark from Philly. Eagles 29, Racists 19.
Kansas City (+4) at CINCINNATI (44.5):Bengals 27, Chiefs 21.
Cleveland (+7.5) at SAN DIEGO (45): Got a weird feeling on this one. Chargers 24, Browns 23. 
Green Bay (-8.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (48.5): Packers 30, 49ers 19.
Minnesota (+8.5) at DENVER (42.5): Broncos 24, Vikings 16.
St. Louis (+6.5) at ARIZONA (42.5): Cardinals 31, Rams 13.
Dallas (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (46.5): Saints 24, Cowboys 22.
Detroit (+9.5) at SEATTLE (43): Seahawks 26, Lions 17.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Cleveland, Philadelphia

The Football Hoser 2015 NFL Picks, Week Four (London Quickie Edition)

Crikey, early Sunday football, mate! Throw another shrimp on the barbee and that's not a knife!

(That's the right country, right?)

New York Jets (-1.5) vs. Miami (in London) (41.5): Nothing promotes the NFL worldwide like sending one of the league's three most lackluster teams out to drum up interest. The Dolphins are going to England and nowhere fast at the same time, and that's some Doctor Who shit right there. Jets 24, Dolphins 17.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Four (Thursday Edition)

We said there was nowhere to go but up, and if you're willing to admit 7-9 against the spread is mathematically better than 6-10, well, PROGRESS! It was another horrible week with a couple of late scores hosing the Hoser (thanks, Tennessee!). We were also 12-4 straight up.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the discussion about the shortage of NFL quarterbacks, can we make an argument that there have never been two QBs this good in the league at the same time? Just when you thought Tom Brady had vaulted himself back to the top of the pack, Aaron Rodgers -- well, there are barely words to describe him dismantling the Chiefs last night. Sure, his O-line play was also excellent, but we're talking about a guy who lost his No. 1 receiver and doesn't appear to even remember his name right now. Unbelievable, and as football fans we're lucky to see these two guys play.

Also, Seth Meyers did this:

And that's funny.

Baltimore (-2.5) at PITTSBURGH (44): You know, this is exactly what the NFL needs right now -- the redemptive story of Michael Vick, fully reformed and ... you know, remorseful ... yeah, he's still a piece of excrement. Ravens 23, Steelers 20.


ATS: 7-9
SU: 12-4
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$620


ATS: 20-27-1
SU: 32-16
Lock of the Week: 0-3
Trifecta: 0-3
Total: $1,870

Sunday, September 27, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 3 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Three of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where due to the constraints of life, it's mainly just the picks this week.

Philadelphia (+2.5) at NY JETS (47): Another tough D means another L for Philly. Jets 23, Eagles 20.
New Orleans (+7.5) at CAROLINA (43): The coverage could be just as shitty as Verizon's and Luke McCown still couldn't solve it. Panthers 20, Saints 10.
Jacksonville (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND (47.5): Just about every time I think the line is too big in a New England game, turns out it ain't. Patriots 34, Jaguars 13.
Cincinnati (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (44.5): Normally I would think this is where the Dalton Gang gets shot down, but 37 to the Raiders? Bengals 22, Ravens 20.
Oakland (+3.5) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Really? Back to Josh McCown? Browns 23, Raiders 22.
Indianapolis (-3.5) at TENNESSEE (45.5): The Titans looked terrible on the deep ball last week, and that was just the Browns. Colts 30, Titans 20.
Atlanta (-1) at DALLAS (45): Pretty much a coin flip, but Bryant and now Romo? Actually, yeah. A bunch of handoffs, Weeden throwing to his TEs and the Falcons also down an RB adds up to the home-field advantage winning it. Cowboys 23, Falcons 22.
San Francisco (+6.5) at ARIZONA (44): Which 49ers team shows up this week? Does it matter? Cardinals 31, 49ers 17.
Chicago (+14.5) at SEATTLE (44): You know things are bad when you are wishing Jay Cutler was dressed. Fortunately for Jay, he gets to sit this one out against what we're guessing is an extremely upset Seattle D. Seahawks 27, Bears 16.
Buffalo (+3) at MIAMI (44): This is Sexy Rexy, no other reason. The Dolphins - who can get excited about them? Their mascot should be a piece of dry white toast. Bills 23, Dolphins 20.
Denver (-3) at DETROIT (45.5): People interested in this game are focusing on the wrong quarterback. Peyton will be fine, even if he has to underhand the ball to his receivers. No, is it time for the Lions to move on from Matthew Stafford? Who wouldn't have great numbers with Calvin Johnson? Broncos 24, Lions 17.
Kansas City (+6.5) at GREEN BAY (49): If you look up the phrase "by default," it should simply say, "The Packers winning the NFC North in 2015." A North Korean election is more competitive. Packers 26, Chiefs 20.
Pittsburgh (-1) at ST. LOUIS (47): Steelers 26, Rams 20.
San Diego (+2.5) at MINNESOTA (45): Vikings 22, Chargers 17.
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at HOUSTON (40.5): Buccaneers 19, Texans 17.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Indianapolis, Tampa Bay

Thursday, September 24, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Three (Thursday Edition)

Welcome back to the Football Hoser, where there's nowhere to go up from here.

We were a miserable 6-10 against the spread and just 9-7 straight up. This was a very strange week, though, with multiple teams (Jacksonville? Tampa Bay?!?) pulling off upsets. Thank you to the Baltimore Ravens, who were unable to stop the vaunted offense of the not-for-long Oakland Raiders, many fine folks were knocked out of their suicide leagues. More importantly, they cost me my Lock. Again.

I have to mention this also. During the Monday Night Football Jets/Colts game this week, Jon Gruden was talking about the strength of New York's defense, even without DT Sheldon Richardson. There was a lull, and then Mike Tirico did a good job of pointing out WHY Richardson was on suspension, namely topping 140 mph in his Bentley.

Of course, that doesn't quite cover the whole situation, as Richardson also was traveling with a 12-year-old kid, a loaded handgun and the "heavy" smell of marijuana in the car. Let's stop trying to make the guys in the NFL who are complete dipshits not seem like complete dipshits. Tell the whole story.

Racists (+4) at NEW YORK GIANTS (44): Does anyone else think Washington might have a legitimate shot at winning the division? The Giants are a tire fire telling THEMSELVES not to score, Dallas is down Romo and Bryant,  and the Eagles are ... well, no one knows what the Eagles are -- least of all Chip Kelly. Meanwhile, the Racists have a competent quarterback, a burgeoning star in running back Matt Jones and a crazy dick in the Owner's Box! Still, I think the lesser Manning and company can pull this one out, but it'll be a field goal. GIANTS 21, RACISTS 20.


ATS: 6-10
SU: 11-5
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$840


ATS: 13-18-1
SU: 20-12
Lock of the Week: 0-2
Trifecta: 0-2
Total: $1,250

Saturday, September 19, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 2 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Two of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're pretty sure Gary Kubiak is looking back at his summer spent planning a ball-control offense and wishing he'd gone to Six Flags instead.

We're 0-1 straight up and against the spread after Jamaal Charles graciously decided to share the ball with the Broncos late Thursday night. In better news, though, it appears we won the Football Guys College Football DFS contest on Saturday, and $100 is enough to get Vinnie off my back for another week or two.

And remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as betting on Jason Pierre Paul in a piano competition.

Houston (+3) at CAROLINA (40.5): How long will the Ryan Mallett era last in Houston? Well, if Arian Foster gets back as quickly as is now being predicted, perhaps longer than you think. We tend to think any quarterback drafted originally by the Patriots must have something on the ball, right? PANTHERS 23, TEXANS 21.
Tampa Bay (+10) at NEW ORLEANS (47): Maybe Jameis Winston had a couple packages of crab legs stuffed in his pants last week. SAINTS 26, BUCCANEERS 17.
San Francisco (+6) at PITTSBURGH (45.5): Did anyone else think last week, even if just for a second, that Troy Polamalu was running the ball for Pittsburgh? STEELERS 23, 49ERS 20.
Detroit (+2.5) at MINNESOTA (43.5): Neither of these teams played well last week and the famous David Dodds Game Predictor has this dead even, so add the home FG ... and then stay the hell away from it. VIKINGS 24, LIONS 22. 
New England (-1) at BUFFALO (45): No sound logic here, just six years of having "Don't be against Bill" beaten into our heads and wallets. PATRIOTS 24, BILLS 20.
Arizona (-1.5) at CHICAGO (46): We'll roll with the Kangol, thank you. CARDINALS 27, BEARS 21.
Tennessee (-1) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Actual believe-the-hype young quarterback against bullshit hype young quarterback. You figure out which is which. TITANS 23, BROWNS 16.
St. Louis (-3.5) at WASHINGTON (41): Tickets for this game have gone as low as $11, which is $11 more than you should have to fork out to see Washington play. RAMS 24, RACISTS 20.
Atlanta (+2.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (51): The only people who handled a clock situation worse than the Giants last week were the police and school officials in Irving, TX. #IStandWithAhmed FALCONS 27, GIANTS 20.
Baltimore (-6) at OAKLAND (43): You have to have a pretty dreadful haircut to make George W. Bush look like the smart one. Is Davis rich because he owns the rights to the Flowbee? RAVENS 31, RAIDERS 13.
Miami (-6) at JACKSONVILLE (41.5): Blake Bortles the media like ... Blake Bortles handles the offense. DOLPHINS 27, JAGUARS 17.

And the rest ... 

San Diego (+3) at CINCINNATI (47): BENGALS 30, CHARGERS 20.
Dallas (+5) at PHILADELPHIA (55.5): EAGLES 31, COWBOYS 24.
Seattle (+3.5) at GREEN BAY (49): PACKERS 24, SEAHAWKS 23.
New York Jets (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS (47): COLTS 26, JETS 16.

Lock of the Week: Baltimore

Trifecta: Baltimore, Atlanta, Miami

Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Football Hoser's 2015 NFL Picks, Week Two (Thursday Edition)

We're off to another stunning start here at The Football Hoser, where we stumbled to a 7-8-1 week against the spread but managed to miss not only the Lock of the Week, but ALL THREE picks in our Trifecta. We've joked about this in the past, but we're pretty sure if you simply bet the opposite of the games we feel strongest about, at the end of each season you'd have enough cash for a nice cruise while we'd still be dodging calls from our bookie.

We also were 11-5 straight up. Whoopee.

The remainder of the season will work this way, with the Thursday night game coming separately and and the remainder of the schedule at some point on Friday. Unless it doesn't. We function on the same schedule as Lindsay Lohan on a binge -- sloppily and erratically.

Denver (+3) at KANSAS CITY (42): We'll stay with the Chiefs as the hot hand on a short week. Peyton Manning looked a little lost running an offense that requires less chicken dancing than he prefers, and with C.J. Anderson nursing a bum toe (and sinking the hearts of a million fantasy owners), Kansas City should be just fine. CHIEFS 26, BRONCOS 20.


ATS: 7-8-1
SU: 11-5
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Total: -$410

Thursday, September 10, 2015

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 1 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week One of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're ready to uphold our five-year tradition of having absolutely no value to bettors.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. The format is as follows: each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use the National Score Predicting League line each week, the fine folks who send me updates every week to tell me how awful I am at this.

For you fellow Canucks, keep an eye out late Saturday or early Sunday for my ProLine Picks, where I'll highlight late injuries and lines that could make for good value. God bless legalized gambling!

Let's get this out of the way: I'm no Patriots fan, but the whole Deflategate "scandal" was pretty weak. I'm sure Brady knew something damning ("Oh, man, if you had just asked for my phone a couple days ago!"), but having Roger Goddell be the man in charge of your credibility is like putting Lindsay Lohan in charge of your stash. Is it a smoke screen to cover up another NFL cover-up? Eight months ago that would have been crazy to suggest. Now?

The NFL Network also premiered the story of the 2014 Patriots this week. In keeping with the spirit of the thing, I taped it.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as taking Sheldon Richardson up on his offer to drive your kids to school.

Pittsburgh (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (52): No Bell, no Bryant, no chance. Patriots 27, Steelers 17.
Kansas City (+1) at HOUSTON (40.5): The Chiefs are poised to step a big step forward this season, and J.J. Watts can't play all 22 positions. Wait, can he? *Calls Halliburton hotline, imitates Dick Cheney's voice and asks for Cloning Department, gets hung up on* Well, I can't make it happen. CHIEFS 23, TEXANS 17.
Cleveland (+3) at NEW YORK JETS (39.5): You could spend all day debating who has the lousier group of quarterbacks in this game and the fun of it is, there's no right answer! I like Ryan Fitzpatrick (how can you diss a guy who graduated from Harvard?), and he has a knack for playing well the first few games with every new team - until the opposition remembers he can't throw a sideline route and starts jumping everything. JETS 23, BROWNS 17.
Green Bay (-7) at CHICAGO (50): At halftime in the parking lot, Scott Walker will debate ... well, take your pick of any Illinois Republican state-level disaster. The Taliban will then blow up both podiums and Americans everywhere will think, "Maybe they aren't so bad."  PACKERS 26, BEARS 16.
New Orleans (+2.5) at ARIZONA (48): Did you know Drew Brees sat behind Doug Flutie his rookie season? It worked out well, because Doug's so short Drew could see right over him. CARDINALS 24, SAINTS 23.
Indianapolis (-3) at BUFFALO (46.5): I have a great love for Rex Ryan, and I think the Bills are headed in the right direction. But when you cut Fred Jackson and then resign Matt Cassel, I don't think you have much of a shot against Indy. I do really like the under here, though. COLTS 22, BILLS 13.
Miami (-4) at WASHINGTON (43.5): The good thing about RGIII's concussion is maybe he'll forget he works for a bunch of racists. DOLPHINS 24, RACISTS 16.
Carolina (-3.5) at JACKSONVILLE (41): This game won't be very good, but it will feature lots of local ads for fried foods. Getcha sum gizzards, sumbitch! PANTHERS 23, JAGUARS 20.
Seattle (-4) at ST. LOUIS (41): I may have misread the injury report and depth charts, but are the Rams down to Richie Cunningham at running back? Even if not true, any thought you have of picking St. Louis in this game, well, sit on it, Pottsie. SEAHAWKS 26, RAMS 16.
Detroit (+3) at SAN DIEGO (45.5): This is the most inexplicable line of the week for me. Yes, the Chargers are at home - the old-age home. The Lions are clearly better in just about every facet of the game, and I think they win this outright. LIONS 27, CHARGERS 20.
Tennessee (+3) at TAMPA BAY (41.5): Two rookie quarterbacks? Expect more picks than at that Smails' kid's house. BUCCANEERS 23, TITANS 17.
Cincinnati (-3.5) at OAKLAND (43.5): Every year I look at the Raiders' roster and hear David Bryne in my ear chanting, "SAME AS IT EVER WAS!" I'm sure fans would gladly let them move, but then where would they dress up like extras at a crappy wrasslin' promotion? BENGALS 26, RAIDERS 20.
Baltimore (+4.5) at DENVER (49): I don't have a good explanation for why, but I just feel like the Broncos are due to struggle this season. Maybe it's fear of C.J. Anderson being a one-hit wonder, maybe it's just time ... maybe it's because Peyton Manning's head is now sewn directly to his torso. Still, the Ravens are banged up and traveling. BRONCOS 29, RAVENS 22.
New York Giants (+6) at DALLAS (51): The Giants and Jason Pierre-Paul are at a contract impasse. They're apparently far apart on term, money and his offseason fireworks accident, and Pierre-Paul didn't help himself when he showed his displeasure by giving John Mara the finger. COWBOYS 30, GIANTS 23.
Philadelphia (-3) at ATLANTA (55.5): The scoreboard's going to be going off like a pinball machine (you kids remember those, right?) in this one, but the gap between the defenses should allow Chip Kelly's Greatest Show Without Tim Tebow to handle the Falcons. And at 55.5 for the O/U, I'd stay away. EAGLES 30, FALCONS 24.
Minnesota (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41.5): This is less about how much the Vikings have improved and more about the absolute disaster that is the 49ers roster. I can only suggest they bring back Mike Singletary to make sure the get the first overall pick next season. VIKINGS 24, 49ERS 17.

Lock of the Week: Seattle
Trifecta: Seattle, Detroit, Indianapolis

Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Hoser's NFL Postseason Picks 2014, Week 3

Green Bay (+8) at SEATTLE (46): We saw what happens when a quarterback plays on one leg last week. No, not Rodgers -- Manning, who probably shouldn't have even suited up. Now look at Rodgers, who has put another week of wear on that calf injury.
This is a much tougher defense than Dallas, and Rodgers is going to be forced to move around, and he'll be hit. Green Bay will make the cover, but I don't think this game is even that close. Seahawks 23, Packers 16.

Indianapolis (+6.5) at NEW ENGLAND (53.5): I simply can't pick against the Patriots and Tom Brady any more. If New England wins this Super Bowl, he is the greatest coach who ever coached. Not John Wooden, not Vince Lombardi, not anyone else.
If this roster were in any other city, fans would be howling for the GM's head, yet Belichick devises ways to make Brady as effective as possible and squeeze every drop out of the castoffs he has. I would love to see Belichick take over the worst Arena League team and see what he could do in a year. Or even better -- the Raiders! Patriots 29, Colts 20.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Hoser's NFL Postseason Picks 2014, Week 2

Busy with auctions, so just the picks this week.

Baltimore (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (47.5): Patriots 23, Ravens 17.
Carolina (+11.5) at SEATTLE (40): Seahawks 24, Panthers 14.
Dallas (+6.5) at GREEN BAY (52.5): Packers 30, Cowboys 16.
Indianapolis (+7) at DENVER (54): Broncos 31, Colts 17.

Lock of the Week: Denver
Trifecta: Denver, Green Bay, Carolina

Saturday, January 3, 2015

The Hoser's NFL Postseason Picks 2014, Week 1

Arizona Cardinals (+6) at CAROLINA PANTHERS (38): This crushes me, but as much of a fanboy as I'd like to be, the Cardinals are one-and-done. Why in the hell didn't they go out and get another quarterback? Maybe the front office realized that unless Kurt Warner had a time machine, with the lack of a solid running game this team wasn't going to go deep anyway, so why waste the cash and/or pick? As long as Lindley checks down and avoids mistakes, it'll stay close for the first half, but the Arizona defense is going to be gassed by the end of the third. Panthers 26, Cardinals 13.

Baltimore Ravens (+3) at PITTSBURGH STEELERS (45.5): The Ravens are overrated. The Steelers don't have Le'Veon Bell and are starting Josh Harris, a undrafted rookie running back so nondescript that ESPN's story on the situation mistakenly links to Atlanta longsnapper Josh Harris. Is that a wash? No, because Pittsburgh still have Antonio Brown and Ben Roethlisberger to throw for a bajillion yards, and the Ravens will find out between Harris and Dre Archer, Pitssburgh will be just fine. Steelers 30, Ravens 19.

Detroit Lions (+6.5) at DALLAS COWBOYS (48): Interesting stat -- Matthew Stafford is 0-16 in his career on the road against a team with a winning record. I'm not sure how much stock I put into that, but even Megatron went crazy the last time these two teams played, he still only scored one TD. Even with the ever-present spectre of a ROMOMENT (trademark pending), I like Dallas. Cowboys 27, Lions 20.

Cincinnati Bengals (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (49): After that recent primetime win, is the monkey off Andy Dalton's back? Probably not, but I'm taking the team with the kickass running game, and that ain't Indy. Bengals 24, Colts 22.

Lock of the Week: Carolina

Trifecta: Carolina, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh.