The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Four 2011

Welcome to Week Four of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we know the NFL is king, but it's pretty tough to top baseball this week.

Wednesday's wild finish kept The Hoser and staff glued to the TV, and nothing makes us happier than watching the Red Sox choke like someone stuffed a baker's dozen of Dunkin' Donuts down their collective throat. Also -- Dan Johnson in the ninth for the Rays? Really? Creed was more likely to have a hit.

The Hoser finished up 11-5 straight up and a pretty weak 9-7 against the spread, but we hit the Lock of the Week (New Orleans) for the third time to start the season and, of course, the Lions cost us the Trifecta. We still turned a small profit for the week (and the third week straight to start the year).

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as firing Terry Francona when clearly your GM is an overspending idiot.

Detroit (+2) at DALLAS (-46.5): The Hoser's new son, Harry, had a pneumothorax at birth, just like Tony Romo. He's also now dating Jessica Simpson. Lions 29, Cowboys 22.

New Orleans (-7) at JACKSONVILLE (45): Admiral Akbar alert! It's a trap! The Jaguars are in the top 5 in many defensive categories, so they should be able to hold the scoring down. That makes the TD spread one to avoid. Saints 24, Jaguars 19.

San Francisco (+9) at PHILADELPHIA (44): The Eagles checked with NFL commissioner Roger Goddell, and he confirmed -- in the case of the Kevin Kolb trade, no backsies. Eagles 23, 49ers 17.

Washington (-2) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (43.5): Another game that seems too close. What's the big home-field advantage for the Rams -- opposing teams' fear of The Arch falling on them? Racists 24, Rams 17.

Tennessee (+1) at CLEVELAND (38.5): The Hoser has nothing interesting to say about this game, and neither should anyone else. Browns 20, Titans 17.

Buffalo (-3) at CINCINNATI (44): Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick and many of the Bengals hang out in yards. Fitzpatrick's was at Harvard, Cincy's are in prisons.  Bills 29, Bengals 17.

Minnesota (-2) at KANSAS CITY (39.5): The Chiefs have a point differential this year of -82, which coincidentally is also The Hoser's credit rating. Vikings 23, Chiefs 20.

Carolina (+6.5) at CHICAGO (42): The Bears have warned all fans not to bring pets to Soldier Field, as their ears could be harmed by the high-pitched sound of Jay Cutler's whining. Bears 26, Panthers 19.

Pittsburgh (+3.5) at HOUSTON (45): The Texans put up a heck of a fight last week, but expect the Steelers to win this one outright. Steelers 24, Texans 20.

Atlanta (-4) at SEATTLE (38.5): The Seahawks are just the medicine the Falcons need to get better. Surgeon General's Warning: Has no effect on Arizona. Falcons 27, Seahawks 17.

New York Giants (-1) at ARIZONA (44.5): So, NY beats the Eagles by 13 and the Cards lose to the Seahawks and it's just a one-point spread? Unless Vegas is sure Eli's having another "Free Footballs For Opposing DBs Day" (as we admit he is wont to do), Arizona has no chance. Giants 26, Cardinals 14.

Miami (+7) at SAN DIEGO (44): It's Sporano, not Soprano, but another loss or two and Tony's gonna get whacked. Chargers 23, Dolphins 17.

Denver (+12.5) at GREEN BAY (46): Not big enough. Packers 31, Broncos 16.

New England (-5) at OAKLAND (55): If the Patriots win this on Raider turf, Al Davis will roll over in his grave. Patriots 30, Raiders 27.

New York Jets (+3.5) at BALTIMORE (42): Joe Namath is a lot more pleasant when he's drunk. Ravens 20, Jets 13.

Indianapolis (+10) at TAMPA BAY (40.5): Paging Carson Palmer, Mr. Palmer to the Colts courtesy phone ... Buccaneers 26, Colts 17.

Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Trifecta: New York Giants, Detroit, Pittsburgh

Over/Under Good Buys: Jets/Ravens Under; Atlanta/Seattle Over

2011 Week 3 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta:0-1
Money: $+240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 34-14
Against The Spread: 27-21
Lock of the Week: 3-0
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $+2,000

2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $42
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+102

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Three 2011 Wrap

We at The Hoser can't fault Detroit head coach Jim Schwartz for kicking the field goal on first down to defeat Minnesota in OT, but c'mon, man! After Calvin Johnson just made that amazing catch, don't you give him just one shot in the back of the end zone for the TD? And the cover? Yeah, we know, we know.

The Hoser finished up 11-5 straight up and a pretty weak 9-7 against the spread, but we hit the Lock of the Week (New Orleans) for the third time to start the season and, of course, the Lions cost us the Trifecta. We still turned a small profit for the week (and the third week straight to start the year).

2011 Week 3 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta:0-1
Money: $+240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 34-14
Against The Spread: 27-21
Lock of the Week: 3-0
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $+2,000

2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $42
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+102

The Hoser`s NFL Picks 2011, Week 3

Welcome to Week Three of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we're a little late -- hanging out with Jerome Simpson will do that.

Simpson, a wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, got in big trouble this week for receiving 2.5 pounds of marijuana through the mail. Authorities had been tracking the package and when they searched Simpson's home, they found six more pounds of pot. That's 8.5 pounds of dope, or what's known around Willie Nelson's house as "breakfast."

The Hoser had a solid week, going 12-4 straight up and 10-6 against the spread. We hit both our Lock of the Week (Tampa Bay) and the Trifecta (TB, Houston and the Giants). We also hit a six-team parlay, which made for a nice Chinese dinner for Mrs. Hoser and all the many little Hosers.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as Republicans booing gay soldiers at a presidential debate.

New York Giants (+9) at PHILADELPHIA (50.5): Eagles quarterback Michael Vick heckled fans and pointed at the scoreboard in the third quarter of what turned out to be a loss in Atlanta. Perhaps he should have just bitten his tongue. Eagles 23, Giants 18.
San Francisco (+3) at CINCINNATI (41): Oh yeah, Cincinnati's Cedric Benson is also getting suspended. When will the Bengals just go ahead and run those stripes vertically all the way down the uniform? 49ers 23, Bengals 19.
New England (+8.5) at BUFFALO (53): Welcome back to Earth, Buffalo. Patriots 31, Bills 20.
Houston (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (53): Texans fan are so used to their team folding up after a big win, we're sure they're expecting a loss this week. That's good, because they'll get one. Saints 29, Texans 22.

Miami (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): Dolphins DE Jason Taylor was angered this week when some of his comments in a player's only meeting leaked out through a process he referred to as "tweet and twaht." Taylor then hitched up his plaid pants and headed to Old Country Buffet at 4 p.m. for the Earlybird Special. Browns 22, Dolphins 19.

Denver (+7) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Poor Kyle Orton. He's about as popular in Denver as Obama at an NRA rally. Titans 23, Broncos 17.

Detroit (-3.5) at MINNESOTA (45): Adrian Peterson says the Vikings should win this game. We think ADP should look up the word "win" again. Lions 26, Vikings 17.

Jacksonville (+3.5) at CAROLINA (43): Jaguars QB Luke McCown lasted about as long as a bag of Doritos at Jerome Simpson's crib. Panthers 20, Jaguars 14.

Kansas City (+15) at SAN DIEGO (45): Relax, people, the Chiefs will be fine this season ... as long as the CFL accepts their transfer application. Chargers 34, Chiefs 14.

NY Jets (-3) at OAKLAND (41): The Raiders have so many WRs missing against the tough NY secondary, Phil Collins should remake his hit for Jason Campbell -- "You'll be throwing the ball away, throwing the baaallll awayyyyy." Jets 24, Raiders 22.

Baltimore (-4) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (42): We bet there was a lot of walking funny around the Ravens' camp this week after Coach Harbaugh had his head up his team's ass. Ravens 24, Rams 16.

Atlanta (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (45.5): People talk about steroids and HGH, but when is Tony Gonzalez going to admit he moved to Altanta to be closer to the Fountain of Youth? Falcons 24, Buccaneers 20.

Arizona (-3) at SEATTLE (43): The Seahawks are so bad, they may have already been mathematically eliminated from the Mild, Mild West. Cardinals 24, Seahawks 17.

Green Bay (-3.5) at CHICAGO (45.5): Bears QB Jay Cutler said this week if his protection doesn't improve, he might not last through the season. Fans are wondering if that's a threat or a promise. Packers 26, Bears 19.

Pittsburgh (-10.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (39.5): This is not a joke -- we actually read somewhere that former No. 1 overall pick Jeff George said he could pick up the Indy offense in a week and play. How can we top that? Steelers 29, Colts 17.

Washington (-5.5) at DALLAS (46): Cowboys QB Tony Romo played with a fractured rib and a punctured lung last week, but we don't know what the big deal is -- he's been playing with half a brain for a couple years now. Cowboys 23, Racists 20.

Lock Of The Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Detroit, Baltimore

2011 Week 2 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $+1,240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 23-9
Against The Spread: 18-14
Lock of the Week: 2-0
Trifecta: 1-1
Money: $+1,760

2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $20
2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $144
2011 Season Pro-Line: $32
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+112

We'll never doubt Eli again

Okay, we will (probably next week), but for this week he made us some nice pocket money. See you later Thursday with Week 3!

2011 Week 2 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $+1,240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 23-9
Against The Spread: 18-14
Lock of the Week: 2-0
Trifecta: 1-1
Money: $+1,760

2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $20
2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $144
2011 Season Pro-Line: $32
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+112

Pull for the Giants, people!

It's been a pretty decent week for The Hoser thus far, as we're 11-4 straight up and 9-6 against the spread. Not fantastic, you say, and I'd agree -- except for the fact we've already gotten the Lock of the Week (Tampa Bay) and we need the Giants to cover the -6.5 tonight against the Steven Jackson-less Rams.

That would make it a very happy Tuesday at the local convenience store for The Hoser, as you can see below:

Ignore my daughter's doodling. Apparently Daddy Hoser doesn't keep enough colouring books handy.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Two 2011

Welcome to Week Two of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we're just killing time until the Charlie Sheen Roast starts.

We could say it was a good week for The Hoser because New England came through for us on the Lock of the Week, and the Trifecta slid down to a two-teamer with the Carolina/Arizona push, but we'll take it. We slogged through at 8-8 against the spread and 11-5 straight up, which puts us $440 ahead for the year thus far.

It was definitely a great week, though, as we added another little Hoser to the staff. Hello to Harrison, just four days old as I write this. No, he's not named after the former Indianapolis receiver. Think "Night Court."

Congratulations are also in order for Ron "Jaws" Jaworski, who managed to work the word "shit" into his discussion of Chad Henne's abilities. We don't know why he apologized, though -- you really CAN'T discuss Henne's abilities without using that word.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as putting the best player in the world back on the ice while he's still having trouble spelling "C-A-T" when you spot him a couple letters.

Chicago (+6.5) at NEW ORLEANS (47): No jokes here -- our condolences to one of The Hoser's favourite players, Brian Urlacher, on the sudden passing of his mother. Saints 27, Bears 21.

Kansas City (+7.5) at DETROIT (45): During last week's debacle, the resemblance between K.C. head coach Todd Haley and Munch's "The Scream" was uncanny. Get ready for "Scream 2." Lions 30, Chiefs 16.

Jacksonville (+8.5) at NY JETS (39.5): We can't guarantee a win for New York in this one -- Tony Romo won't be quarterbacking the Jaguars. Jets 24, Jaguars 17.

Oakland (+3) at BUFFALO (42.5): After some Week One fireworks, expect both these teams to crash harder than a raver off a case of Red Bull. Oakland's running game makes us like the points, though. Raiders 22, Bills 19

Arizona (+3.5) at WASHINGTON (44.5): And you all gave up on Sexy Rexy! Racists 23, Cardinals 17. 

Baltimore (-6) at TENNESSEE (38): Chris Johnson and his Moonraker mouth will get more reps this week, but it won't be nearly enough. Ravens 28, Titans 19.

Seattle (+14) at PITTSBURGH (40): Look, we all saw how terrible the Steelers were against Baltimore, and we all saw how terrible the Seahawks were ... uhh, forever. But two touchdowns in Week 2? Steelers 26, Seahawks 16.

Green Bay (-9.5) at CAROLINA (45): Man, if you didn't beat the Cardinals with your rookie QB throwing for 400+ yards, you might not win a game all season. Packers 33, Panthers 14.

Tampa Bay (+3) at MINNESOTA (41.5): The good news for the Vikings is that Donovan McNabb's well-rested after throwing only 15 passes last week. The bad news for the Vikings is, they're still starting Donovan McNabb. Buccaneers 24, Vikings 17.

Cleveland (+2) at INDIANAPOLIS (40): Are the Colts really this bad without Peyton Manning? Yes. Yes they are. Browns 23, Colts 20.

Dallas (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (42): If you're looking for a real gambler, talk to Ted Ginn, Jr., who took a $1.2M pay cut last week to keep his roster spot and get free agency a year earlier. That's even ballsier than running one back out of the end zone. 49ers 23, Cowboys 17.

Houston (-3) at MIAMI (48): We haven't seen ground given up that quickly since the last time the French fought a land war. Texans 29, Dolphins 23.

San Diego (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (53.5): Tom Brady caught a little flak this week for suggesting that Patriots fans should "start drinking early." Yeah, like they needed to be told. Patriots 34, Chargers 24.

Cincinnati (+3.5) at DENVER (40): People don't realize how good the Bengals are this year -- and we're not just saying that because of the shiv being held against our kidneys. Bengals 23, Broncos 21.

Philadelphia (-2.5) at ATLANTA (49.5): If Michael Vick gets a standing ovation from the Atlanta crowd, we'll puke. We're glad he's doing well, but he deserves applause like Citibank deserves a bailout. Falcons 27, Eagles 24.

St. Louis (+6.5) at NY GIANTS (44): Eli Manning had a mediocre Week 1, so expect him to throw for 400 yards, run for a touchdown and raise Jimmy Hoffa from the Meadowlands turf this week. Giants 26, Rams 10.

Lock of the Week: Tampa Bay

Trifecta: Tampa Bay, New York Giants, Houston

Over/Under Good Buys: St. Louis/NY Under

2011 Week 1 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+440

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+440

2011 Week 11 Money Spent: $12
2011 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2011 Season Money Spent: $12
2011 Season Money Made: $0
2011 Total: $-12 

Wrap for Week One, 2001

We could say it was a good week for The Hoser because New England came through for us on the Lock of the Week, and the Trifecta slid down to a two-teamer with the Carolina/Arizona push, but we'll take it. We slogged through at 8-8 against the spread and 11-5 straight up, which puts us $440 ahead for the year thus far.

It was definitely a great week, though, as we added another little Hoser to the staff. Hello to Harrison, just two days old as I write this. Because of the lack of sleep and immense amount of hugging going on around here, picks will be up sometime Friday.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week One 2011

Welcome to Week One of the 2011 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we view the NFL lockout like Charlie Sheen's career – we don't want to place any blame, we're just glad it's over.

After a summer featuring more labour unrest than The Octomom and Kate Gosselin combined, it's good to see owners and players be able to set aside their differences and get back to the important business at hand – delivering that male demographic to erectile-dysfunction pharmaceutical companies.

Heading into this season, the usual suspects are the front runners for the Lombardi Trophy. In the NFC, Atlanta added Julio Jones at wide receiver and the Eagles spent more money than Muammar Gaddafi's kids, but Green Bay may have gotten stronger in the offseason and we like them to repeat. In the AFC, Pittsburgh, New York and New England stay strong, but we think this is Baltimore's year to step up to the next level.

Your early Super Bowl prediction? Packers 23, Ravens 19.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the University of Maryland design your prom tux.

New Orleans (+4) at GREEN BAY (47): All this talk about a Super Bowl hangover. Folks, Max McGee's not even dressing for this one. Packers 27, Saints 24.

Pittsburgh (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (36): The defense will be tough on Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger. That has nothing to do with the Ravens – all women within 50 miles of Baltimore have been issued mace and chastity belts. Ravens 19, Steelers 16.

Detroit (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (41): Bold prediction: Lions QB Matt Stafford will start every game this season and be the league’s No. 2 QB (behind Tom Brady, duh), making him the most popular Stafford since Jim Stafford took “Spiders And Snakes” all the way to No. 3 in 1974. Lions 27, Buccaneers 23.

Atlanta (-3) at CHICAGO (41): We caught the story of the 1985 Bears this week, and Jay Cutler is just like Jim McMahon – except for the guts, determination and leadership. Falcons 22, Bears 16.

Buffalo (+5.5) at KANSAS CITY (39.5): Chiefs tight end Tony Moeaki is out for the season, but don't worry. You can see him every three seconds on the NFL Network in that damned "Five Best Catches" promo. Seriously, Snooki gets used less than that piece. Chiefs 24, Bills 17.

Indianapolis (+8.5) at HOUSTON (43.5): Bad news for Colts fans: Peyton Manning could miss the entire season. Bad news for everybody: Manning's neck injury won't prevent him from making stupid commercials with his brother. Texans 23, Colts 17.

Philadelphia (-4.5) at ST LOUIS (43.5): Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie has spent like a sailor assembling his dream team this offseason. Meanwhile, Andy Reid had his all along – a KFC Double Down and a two-litre of Jolt. Eagles 29, Rams 22.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at CLEVELAND (35.5): We hope the jails in the Cincinnati area have cable, or half the Bengals’ roster won’t get to see the game. Browns 22, Bengals 17.

Tennessee (+3) at JACKSONVILLE (38.5): We were going for a "Titans missing Johnson" gag, but do you whippersnappers even know who John Wayne Bobbitt is? Titans 20, Jaguars 16.

NY Giants (-3) at WASHINGTON (37.5): Rex Grossman beat out John Beck for the starting quarterback job in Washington. Read that again and then pick against New York. Giants 23, Redskins 17.

Carolina (+7) at ARIZONA (36.5): Watch Cafe Press for our new "Carolina -- Home of Fort Bragg, Scotty McCreery and the First Overall Pick (Again)" t-shirts. Cardinals 30, Panthers 13.

Seattle (+5) at SAN FRANCISCO (38): The Tarvaris Jackson era starts for the Seahawks, who apparently are unaware of his previous work. 49ers 23, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (+8.5) at SAN DIEGO (41.5): If Donovan McNabb fails to ignite the Viking offense, Brett Favre is always waiting in the wings. With his Crocs on. And his pants down. Chargers 24, Vikings 16.

Dallas (+4) at NY JETS (40.5): Mark Brunell returns to the sideline for his 20^th season as a quarterback, and his second as Mark Sanchez’s handkerchief. Jets 26, Cowboys 17.

New England (-7) at MIAMI (45.5): Doug Flutie's daughter has made it onto the Patriots' cheerleading squad -- and she didn't even have to spend a decade cheering in the Canadian Football League before it happened. Patriots 30, Dolphins 16.

Oakland (+3) at DENVER (40): Ohio State alumnus Terrelle Pryor will not be playing in this game. The NFL would have cleared him, but he'd already traded his uniform and playbook for tattoos. Broncos 21, Raiders 20.

Lock of the Week: New England

Trifecta: New England, Arizona, Tennessee

Over/Under Good Buys: Indy/Houston Under; Carolina/Arizona Over