The HoserOnTheNFL's Week One Picks, 2016 Edition

Welcome to Week One of the 2016 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're ready to uphold our six-year tradition of having absolutely no value to bettors.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. The format is as follows: each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use the National Score Predicting League line each week, the fine folks who send me updates every week to tell me how awful I am at this.

For you fellow Canucks, keep an eye out late Saturday or early Sunday for my ProLine Picks, where I'll highlight late injuries and lines that could make for good value. God bless legalized gambling!

Let's get right to the stupidity.

Minnesota (-2) at TENNESSEE (41): Look, I know if Teddy Bridgewater was a horse, they would have put him down, but this is the Titans, for God's sake. Do we really have less than a field goal's faith in the ability of Shaun Hill to hand the ball to AP and throw short passes?
Don't make me think more about that.
VIKINGS 26, TITANS 17.

Tampa Bay (+3) at ATLANTA (47): The Falcons have unveiled plans for a new art collection and a huge statue of a falcon for their new stadium. Have they considered ... a defense?
BUCCANEERS 22, FALCONS 20

Cleveland (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (41.5): Do you think the whole Bradford trade thing looked pretty much like the final scenes in "Draft Day?"
Howie Roseman: "Hey, what else do we need? They're gonna give us a first!"
Random Eagles scout: "I dunno, ask them for a fourth-rounder and maybe they'll throw in a seventh or some footballs."
Roseman: "Jeezus, they took it!"
EAGLES 23, BROWNS 20.

Cincinnati (-2.5) at NY JETS (41.5): Jets fans, you can't be that stoked when the big news of the offseason was whether you would land Ryan Fitzpatrick again. Still, I like the direction of the franchise, something I can't say about the Bengals.
BENGALS 23, JETS 20.

Oakland (+1) at NEW ORLEANS (51): I think this is the beginning of the coming out party for a much better Raiders team, and there's not much to be excited about from a Saints' standpoint. Also, it's seriously time for Mark Davis to give Lloyd Christmas his haircut back.
RAIDERS 29, SAINTS 26.

San Diego (+7) at KANSAS CITY (44.5): I wonder if Joey Bosa was pissed they got a deal done after seeing what a bunch of assclowns the Charger management is? They make Cleveland look like Microsoft.
CHIEFS 31, CHARGERS 19.

Buffalo (+3) at BALTIMORE (44.5): Throw a dart if you're playing a Baltimore running back in your fantasy league tomorrow. They've got Forsett, West, Allen and maybe Alan Ameche.
RAVENS 24, BILLS 20.

New England (+6) at ARIZONA (47): No Brady, no Gronk. On the road and all the way across the country. Why do I feel still uneasy about this?
CARDINALS 24, PATRIOTS 20.

Pittsburgh (-3) at WASHINGTON (50): Yeah, still not saying it.
STEELERS 27, RACISTS 20.

St. Louis Los Angeles (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): I respect Colin Kaepernick's right to protest however he wishes, or more accurately, however Nessa Diab wants him to protest.
RAMS 24, 49ERS 20.

Miami (+10.5) at SEATTLE (44): I'll just take a knee on this one.
SEAHAWKS 29, DOLPHINS 19.

The rest:

NY Giants (Pk) at DALLAS (46): COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 23.

Chicago (+6.5) at HOUSTON (44): TEXANS 26, BEARS 16.

Green Bay (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE (48): PACKERS 27, JAGUARS 23.

Detroit (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (50.5): COLTS 27, LIONS 23.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, Minnesota, Pittsburgh