The Hoser On The NFL 2013, Week One

Welcome to Week One of the 2013 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're not as good-looking as Tim Tebow, but we're just as accurate.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line each week, because tradition, that's why.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. We're still tallying our record from last year, but it certainly isn't good enough to use to make actual bets.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as stepping between a couple Alabama high-school football coaches. FOOOOBAWWWWW!

New England (-10½) at BUFFALO (49): With E.J. Manuel's return, it saves Buffalo from having to start a Tuel at quarterback. The Steelers will still do it, though. Patriots 33, Bills 17.
Tennessee (+7) at PITTSBURGH (42.5): There hasn't been this much prayer for a renewed Johnson since Jimmy Swaggart went soft in that hotel room. Steelers 24, Titans 14.
Atlanta (-3) at NEW ORLEANS (53.5): Unlike "OneD in 3D," this game should feature no D. Saints 27, Falcons 24.
Tampa Bay (-3) at NEW YORK JETS (40): Everyone's freaking out about New York's quarterback situation, but are the Bucs really any better off? Buccaneers 22, Jets 17.
Kansas City (-3.5) at JACKSONVILLE (41): Blaine Gabbert is healthy. 'Nuff said. Chiefs 24, Jaguars 16.
Oakland (+8.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (47): Signing Matt Flynn should come with a side order of Jennifer Lopez, because he is ... The Back-Up Plan. Colts 26, Raiders 23.
Minnesota (+4.5) at DETROIT (46.5): Adrian Peterson is predicting a 2,500-yard season, or about double what Christian Ponder will produce. Lions 30, Vikings 17.
Arizona (+4.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (41): Former STL vs. current The Loo. Prediction? Someone gets shot. Rams 27, Cardinals 20.
Houston (-3) at SAN DIEGO (44): We honestly have no idea how to pick now that Norv's gone. It was so easy to pencil in, "Lose stupidly late in the game" before. Texans 30, Chargers 16.
Green Bay (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (49): Game of the week -- unless you're a Packers fan. 49ers 33, Packers 20.
New York Giants (+3) at DALLAS (48.5): An easy prediction -- at at least three times during this game, Tom Coughlin will appear to be passing Eli Manning through his colon. Cowboys 23, Giants 19.
Philadelphia (+3.5) at WASHINGTON (50.5): Still clinging to it, eh, racists? Racists 29, Eagles 19.
Cincinnati (+3) at CHICAGO (41.5): Somewhere Brian Urlacher is sitting in a Snuggie and crying. Bears 21, Bengals 19.
Miami (+1) at CLEVELAND (41): The Browns look to be improved this season. The Dolphins look to be ... the Dolphins. Browns 24, Dolphins 20.
Seattle (-3) at CAROLINA (45.5): Meh. Seahawks 29, Panthers 17.

Lock of the Week: Detroit

Trifecta: Oakland, Detroit, Houston