Welcome to Week Six of the Football Hoser's 2015 NFL picks, where this week we're turning a single keen eye on this slate of games. Why?
Ever had an eye infection that sent you to the hospital? Right now I make Columbo's occular set-up look normal. Still, thank you to the Canadian health-care system, where a trip to the emergency room, kickass antibiotics and a visit to a top ophthalmologist cost me ... $28.56.
Denver (-4) at CLEVELAND (42.5): Just hanging by the side of the road, been out drinking fresh from rehab, banged your girl's head against the car window? Welcome back, Johnny Douchebag. Broncos 24, Browns 17.
Cincinnati (-3.5) at BUFFALO (42.5): E.J. Manuel? *shakes head sadly* Bengals 23, Bills 13.
Kansas City (+4) at MINNESOTA (44): Andy Reid's nightmare continues. No, not the loss of Jamaal Charles - Kansas City area PriceChoppers have run out of Haagen Dazs. Vikings 24, Chiefs 17.
Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE (43): Betting on the Jaguars means thinking Blake Bortles will continue his solid play from last week. Against JJ Watt. So ... Texans 23, Jaguars 20.
Chicago (+3) at DETROIT (43.5): The Bears should be getting at least one receiver back, while the Lions will still be handicapped by the continual non-injury of Matthew Stafford. Bears 20, Lions 17.
Washington (+6) at NY JETS (40.5): I measure how crappy my fantasy football team is by the number of Washington players I have rostered. Right now it's one, so I'm incredible crappy. Jets 22, Racists 17.
Arizona (-3) at PITTSBURGH (44.5): Ooh, the Cardinals are gonna be maaaaad, and Michael Vick is gonna be the one to pay. Cardinals 26, Steelers 16.
Miami (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (43.5): Mariotta tops The Young and the Listless. Titans 24, Dolphins 20.
Carolina (+7) at SEATTLE (41): I hope the explosion of running back Thomas Rawls makes people remember the REALLY talented Rawls they've forgotten - Lou. Here, I'll help you. Hell, he even sang the Garfield theme! Seahawks 20, Panthers 16.
San Diego (+10.5) at GREEN BAY (50.5): It's tough enough to get up off the mat after last week's crushing last-play defeat, but here, here's 53 tickets to Lambeau Field! Packers 31, Chargers 23.
San Francisco (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (44): Nope, Colin, you're not winning 11 in a row to win the division. You're not even winning this one, even if the Ravens have just activated Bam Morris. Ravens 23, 49ers 20.
Indianapolis (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (55): I'm still not getting off the Brady Train. Patriots 31, Colts 23.
New York Giants (+4) at PHILADELPHIA (49.5): To help with the Eagles' struggles, Chip Kelly has signed seven running backs this week. All of them will join the current Philly RBs and each will get .5 of a touch each week. Eagles 27, Giants 24.
Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Cincinnati, Denver, Houston
* This blog totally gets that health-care issues in the U.S. are not
Obama's fault. It's just fun to think about Obama haters thinking, "He's
one of us!" and then realizing, no, he's not.