The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Four, 2012 Edition

Welcome to Week Four of The Hoser's 2012 NFL picks, where I'd be cursing San Diego this week if the people of San Diego weren't already cursed with Norv Turner.
 

The Chargers' complete collapse against Atlanta cost me both my Lock of the Week and the Trifecta, although Buffalo didn't help. I don't know if the Bills were more resilient than I gave them credit for, or maybe Cleveland is just slouching away from complete suckiness a bit more slowly than I anticipated (they were decent against the Ravens on Thursday).

This week I've already hit the Browns covering against said Ravens, although I'd like to know to whom Brandon Wheeden was throwing that final pass. Maybe one of the Cleveland receivers was up in the stands getting a beer.

As always, remember -- using these picks to wager actual money is about as advisable as KFC not bringing those bacon-and-mashed-potato fritters they're selling in Japan to the States. Honey Boo-Boo's family's already down for a dumptruck full.
 

New York Giants (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (47): I guess Vegas is expecting the Eagles to bounce back. I expect them to suck. Giants 26, Eagles 16.

Washington (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY (47.5): Much is being made of the Buccaneers' run defense stopping RGIII, but the good news is Mike Shanahan has at least 39 other running backs he can cycle in. Racists 26, Buccaneers 22.

New Orleans (+7.5) at GREEN BAY (52.5): I think local papers missed a great nickname for Mark Chumura when that scandal broke -- "The Lambeau Creep." Packers 30, Saints 20.

Cincinnati (-2.5) at JACKSONVILLE (43.5): The Bengals' terrible defense may have met its match in the Jaguars' terrible offense. Avoid at all costs. Bengals 22, Jags 21.

Oakland (+7) at DENVER (48.5): Wide receiver Darius Heyward-Bey says he doesn't remember the huge hit he took last week. Raider fans wish they could say the same about the last nine years or so. Broncos 23, Raiders 20.

Miami (+5) at ARIZONA (39): It's nice to be able to say I'm a Cardinals fan and not have to explain it for a change. Cardinals 23, Dolphins 16.

Seattle (-3) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (39.5): People need to back off Golden Tate. That move he used last week is the same way I clear out lingerers in front of the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral. Seahawks 23, Rams 14.

Tennessee (+12) at HOUSTON (44.5): Do the Texans deserve to get almost two TDs against a division rival? Yes, yes they do. Texans 34, Titans 17.

San Diego (-1.5) at KANSAS CITY (44): The Chiefs are getting scored on more than Jim Gaffigan's wife. Actually, given Jeannie Gaffigan's Twitter account, I think it might be the other way around. Congrats to both of them on No. 5 -- the Pope is proud! Chargers 29, Chiefs 22.

San Francisco (-3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (41.5): Hey, how much fun do you think practice was in San Francisco this week? 49ers 24, Jets 17.

Carolina (+7) at ATLANTA (48.5): He's playing great, but "Matty Ice" is about the stupidest nickname ever. Who wants to be linked to a shitty beer forever? Falcons 31, Panthers 16.

Minnesota (+4) at DETROIT (47.5): I like the Lions' chances with Glass Joe on the bench. Lions 26, Vikings 20.

New England (-3.5) at BUFFALO (50.5): I'm hoping Bill Belichick forgets and grabs Ed Hochuli this week. It'd be tough to coach with your head jammed up your ass. Patriots 27, Bills 19.

Chicago (+3.5) at DALLAS (41.5): One of my game predictors has this dead even. So it comes down to this -- where was Ditka more of a badass? Sure, he was Da Coach, but have you ever seen game footage of Ditka playing tight end for the Cowboys? Advantage: Dallas. Cowboys 20, Bears 17.
 

Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Trifecta: New York Giants, Atlanta, Arizona
 

Week Three ATS: 6-10

Week Three SU: 6-10

Week Three Lock of the Week: 0-1

Week Three Trifecta: 0-1

Week Three $ Total: -$700
 

2012 Season ATS: 17-29-2

2012 Season SU: 21-27

2012 Season Lock of the Week: 1-2

2012 Season Trifecta: 1-2

2012 Season $ Total: -$1,420

2012 Season ProLine Totals: -$35

The Hoser's 2012 NFL Picks, Week 4, Thursday Night Edition

Just a quickie tonight - running a charity auction! Cleveland (+11) at BALTIMORE (43.5): I saw tonight on PTI the guys were asking if the Browns could upset the Ravens. Sure, the same day Bob Ryan has smaller.lips than Mick Jagger. Still, Baltimore should be a little tired. Ravens 27, Browns 20.

The Hoser's Pro-Line Picks, Week Three, 2012

Just a little extra for our friends up north playing Pro-Line -- here's the value I like:

BEST BETS
CLEVELAND +3
MIAMI +1.5
ARIZONA +3.5

OTHER VALUE
TAMPA BAY +7.5
HOUSTON -2.5
PITTSBURGH -5.5
SAN DIEGO -3

This week I have a three-team parlay of Cleveland, Miami and San Diego, another three-team substituting Arizona for the Chargers and a six-teamer adding Detroit, Arizona and Pittsburgh.

Good luck!

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Three, 2012 Season

Welcome to Week Three of The Hoser's 2012 NFL picks, where I rebounded with a solid Week Two that didn't nearly offset my horrible first week, but you gotta start somewhere, right?

I've already hit the Giants-Panthers Thursday night game (thanks for the crap start, Eli), so we're 1-0 on both sides of the ledger.

As always, remember -- using these picks to wager actual money is about as advisable as getting a neck tattoo so badly botched it could either be a woman you once beat up, or Where's Waldo with a black eye.

St. Louis Rams (+7) at CHICAGO (43): Matt Forte out = 25-30 carries for Michael Bush. 25-30 carries for Bush = less pass attempts for Jay Cutler. Less attempts for Cutler = WINNING. Bears 26, Rams 20.

Tampa Bay (+7.5) at DALLAS (46.5): The Cowboys are the better team, but Greg Schiano has the Bucs believing early. Lots of Doug Martin keeps this below a touchdown. Cowboys 24, Buccaneers 19.

San Francisco (-6.5) at MINNESOTA (42.5): The only mystery here is if Randy Moss will run over a meter maid for old time's sake. 49ers 23, Vikings 14.

Detroit (-3.5) at TENNESSEE (47.5): Think the Titans miss Jeff Fisher much? Lions 31, Titans 17.

Cincinnati (+3) at WASHINGTON (50): Some day, Mike Shanahan will be able to get 32 different running backs one touch each in a game. Racists 24, Bengals 23.

New York Jets (-2.5) at MIAMI (41): Against my better judgment ... Dolphins 22, Jets 16.

Kansas City (+7.5) at NEW ORLEANS (53): Terrible start to the season, Saints?  Here's your miracle fix. Saints 30, Chiefs 20.

Buffalo (-2.5) at CLEVELAND (44): I don't trust the Bills, and the Browns have been close. They get their first win at home. Browns 20, Bills 17.

Jacksonville (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (43): No rookie QB should ever be favoured any time, anywhere. Unless the opponent is the Jaguars. Colts 22, Jaguars 17.

Houston (-2) at DENVER (44): Another bad week for Peyton. Texans 24, Broncos 19.

Philadelphia (-3.5) at ARIZONA (42): When an East Coast team travels to the West Coast, they usually suffer. The Eagles will here. Cardinals 22, Eagles 20.

Atlanta (+3) at SAN DIEGO (48): See above -- especially if Michael Turner was driving the team bus. Chargers 27, Falcons 19.

Pittsburgh (-3.5) at OAKLAND (45.5): When an East Coast team travels to the West Coast, they usually ... oh, it's the Raiders? Nevermind. (Also, I never know whether to capitalize "East Coast" or not. Free chowder would guarantee me doing it forever.) Steelers 27, Raiders 20.

New England (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (50): It warms my heart to see the Patriots as underdogs, and deservedly so here. Ravens 26, Patriots 23.

Green Bay (-3) at SEATTLE (44.5): Is it so hard to play in Seattle because the whole town smells like fish? Packers 22, Seahawks 20.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Pittsburgh, Cleveland

Week Two ATS: 8-6-2

Week Two SU: 8-8

Week Two Lock of the Week: 1-0

Week Two Trifecta: 1-0

Week Two $ Total: $1,140

2012 Season ATS: 11-19-2

2012 Season SU: 15-17

2012 Season Lock of the Week: 1-1

2012 Season Trifecta: 1-1

2012 Season $ Total: -$720

2012 Season ProLine Totals: -$10

The Hoser's NFL PIcks, Week Three, 2012 Season, Thursday Night Quickie

I know I'm posting late, but I swear I haven't seen a score yet -- my wife is watching the Big Brother finale on PVR or something.

New York Giants (-3.5) at CAROLINA PANTHERS (52.5): Both teams are missing key personnel, but I have to believe Eli will stay hot. Giants 31, Panthers 23.

Welcome to Week Two of the 2012 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where my first week was shakier than Steven Tyler without a backing vocal track.

The Hoser started the season with a putrid 3-13 record against the spread and just seven winners straight up. I even managed to miss all three of my Trifecta picks. In my defense, however, I was using the same statistics service that supplied Paul Ryan with the numbers for his speech at the RNC. With time, several plates of chicken wings and a pint of If I Had A Million Flavours, I've put it behind me.

We've already hit the Packers for a double Thursday-night win,so here are the rest of the picks in quickie style -- busy week! Remember: using these picks to wager actual money is about as smart as

Tampa Bay (+7) at NYG GIANTS (43.5): Giants 29, Buccaneers 17.

Arizona (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND (48): Patriots 31, Cardinals 16.

Minnesota (-2.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5): Vikings 23, Colts 13.

New Orleans (-2.5) at CAROLINA (52): Saints 29, Panthers 27.

Kansas City (+3.5) at BUFFALO (44.5): Chiefs 20, Bills 17.

Baltimore (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): Ravens 26, Eagles 19.

Oakland (-2.5) at MIAMI (39.5): Raiders 22, Dolphins 17.

Cleveland (+7) at CINCINNATI (39.5): Talk about your "lesser of two evils." Bengals 22, Browns 16.

Houston (-7) at JACKSONVILLE (41): Texans 33, Jaguars 13.

Dallas (-3.5) at SEATTLE (43): Cowboys 24, Seahawks 21.

Washington (-3.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (44): Racists 27, Rams 17.

New York Jets (+5) at PITTSBURGH (42): Steelers 26, Jets 20.

Tennessee (+6.5) at SAN DIEGO (43): Chargers 31, Titans 10.

Detroit (+7) at SAN FRANCISCO (46): 49ers 22, Lions 21.

Denver (+3) at ATLANTA (51): Falcons 27, Broncos 23.

Lock of the Week: Baltimore

Trifecta: Baltimore, San Diego, Houston

Week One ATS: 3-13

Week One SU: 7-9

Week One Lock of the Week: 0-1

Week One Trifecta: 0-1

Week One $ Total:$-1,860

The Hoser's NFL PIcks, Week Two, 2012 Season, Thursday Edition

Just a quick hitter tonight for the Thursday Night match-up.

Chicago (+5.5) at GREEN BAY (51): The Packers defense looked shakier than Michael Madsen on the side of the road. Expect Green Bay to get healthy quickly against a lousy Bears offensive line. Packers 29, Bears 20.

The Hoser On The NFL, 2012 Season, Week One

Welcome to Week One of the 2012 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where thanks to the Giants, we're off to a wonderful start.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. We're still tallying our record from last year, but it certainly isn't good enough to use to make actual bets.
All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as taking Clint Eastwood to a furniture store.
 

Indianapolis (+10) at CHICAGO (43.5): This week Ben Roethlisberger said he would skip a game to be at the birth of his child. Jay Cutler looked at Chicago's offensive line and offered to drive. Bears 23, Colts 16.
Philadelphia (-9.5) at CLEVELAND (43): Forget Vick's ribs -- Michael Cera could get under center and win this one. Eagles 29, Browns 13.
Buffalo (+3) at NEW YORK JETS (39): Tebow notwithstanding, even Jesus has got the dog in this one. Bills 20, Jets 13.
Washington (+7) at NEW ORLEANS (50.5): Roger Goodell's justice -- about as permanent as a Matthew Perry sitcom. Saints 30, Racists 17.
Jacksonville (+3.5) at MINNESOTA (39.5): I'm sure Jaguars fans don't want the team to leave. The questions is -- why not? Vikings 22, Jaguars 16.
Miami (+12) at HOUSTON (42.5): This line keeps getting wider and I keep liking it more and more. Opening-week games are usually not strong ones for offenses, and I think the Dolphins will be better than most think this year. Do it for Ray Finkle! Texans 24, Dolphins 17.New England (-5) at TENNESSEE (47): Patriots 27, Titans 14.
St. Louis Rams (+7) at DETROIT (45): Lions 31, Rams 14.
Atlanta (-3) at KANSAS CITY (43.5): Chiefs 22, Falcons 20.
San Francisco (+5) at GREEN BAY (47): Packers 27, 49ers 23.
Carolina (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY (47): Panthers 24, Buccaneers 20.
Seattle (-2.5) at ARIZONA (40.5): Seahawks 22, Cardinals 17.
Pittsburgh (+2) at DENVER (44.5):  Steelers 22, Broncos 19.
Cincinnati (+6.5) at BALTIMORE (41): Ravens 23, Bengals 16.
San Diego (+2) at OAKLAND (46.5): Raiders 23, Chargers 20.

Lock of the Week: Buffalo

Trifecta: Buffalo, Detroit, Miami

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 4, 2012 Season

Welcome to Week Four of The Hoser's 2012 NFL picks, where I'd be cursing San Diego this week if the people of San Diego weren't already cursed with Norv Turner.

 

The Chargers' complete collapse against Atlanta cost me both my Lock of the Week and the Trifecta, although Buffalo didn't help. I don't know if the Bills were more resilient than I gave them credit for, or maybe Cleveland is just slouching away from complete suckiness a bit more slowly than I anticipated (they were decent against the Ravens on Thursday).

This week I've already hit the Browns covering against said Ravens, although I'd like to know to whom Brandon Wheeden was throwing that final pass. Maybe one of the Cleveland receivers was up in the stands getting a beer.

As always, remember -- using these picks to wager actual money is about as advisable as KFC not bringing those bacon-and-mashed-potato fritters they're selling in Japan to the States. Honey Boo-Boo's family's already down for a dumptruck full.
 

New York Giants (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (47): I guess Vegas is expecting the Eagles to bounce back. I expect them to suck. Giants 26, Eagles 16.

Washington (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY (47.5): Much is being made of the Buccaneers' run defense stopping RGIII, but the good news is Mike Shanahan has at least 39 other running backs he can cycle in. Racists 26, Buccaneers 22.

New Orleans (+7.5) at GREEN BAY (52.5): I think local papers missed a great nickname for Mark Chumura when that scandal broke -- "The Lambeau Creep." Packers 30, Saints 20.

Cincinnati (-2.5) at JACKSONVILLE (43.5): The Bengals' terrible defense may have met its match in the Jaguars' terrible offense. Avoid at all costs. Bengals 22, Jags 21.

Oakland (+7) at DENVER (48.5): Wide receiver Darius Heyward-Bey says he doesn't remember the huge hit he took last week. Raider fans wish they could say the same about the last nine years or so. Broncos 23, Raiders 20.

Miami (+5) at ARIZONA (39): It's nice to be able to say I'm a Cardinals fan and not have to explain it for a change. Cardinals 23, Dolphins 16.

Seattle (-3) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (39.5): People need to back off Golden Tate. That move he used last week is the same way I clear out lingerers in front of the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral. Seahawks 23, Rams 14.

Tennessee (+12) at HOUSTON (44.5): Do the Texans deserve to get almost two TDs against a division rival? Yes, yes they do. Texans 34, Titans 17.

San Diego (-1.5) at KANSAS CITY (44): The Chiefs are getting scored on more than Jim Gaffigan's wife. Actually, given Jeannie Gaffigan's Twitter account, I think it might be the other way around. Congrats to both of them on No. 5 -- the Pope is proud! Chargers 29, Chiefs 22.

San Francisco (-3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (41.5): Hey, how much fun do you think practice was in San Francisco this week? 49ers 24, Jets 17.

Carolina (+7) at ATLANTA (48.5): He's playing great, but "Matty Ice" is about the stupidest nickname ever. Who wants to be linked to a shitty beer forever? Falcons 31, Panthers 16.

Minnesota (+4) at DETROIT (47.5): I like the Lions' chances with Glass Joe on the bench. Lions 26, Vikings 20.

New England (-3.5) at BUFFALO (50.5): I'm hoping Bill Belichick forgets and grabs Ed Hochuli this week. It'd be tough to coach with your head jammed up your ass. Patriots 27, Bills 19.

Chicago (+3.5) at DALLAS (41.5): One of my game predictors has this dead even. So it comes down to this -- where was Ditka more of a badass? Sure, he was Da Coach, but have you ever seen game footage of Ditka playing tight end for the Cowboys? Advantage: Dallas. Cowboys 20, Bears 17.

 

Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Trifecta: NewYork Giants, Atlanta, Arizona

Week Three ATS: 6-10

Week Three SU: 6-10

Week Three Lock of the Week: 0-1 

Week Three Trifecta: 0-1

Week Three $ Total: -$700

 

2012 Season ATS: 17-29-2

2012 Season SU: 21-27

2012 Season Lock of the Week: 1-2

2012 Season Trifecta: 1-2

2012 Season $ Total: -$1,420

2012 Season ProLine Totals: -$35