Friday, September 28, 2012

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Four, 2012 Edition

Welcome to Week Four of The Hoser's 2012 NFL picks, where I'd be cursing San Diego this week if the people of San Diego weren't already cursed with Norv Turner.
The Chargers' complete collapse against Atlanta cost me both my Lock of the Week and the Trifecta, although Buffalo didn't help. I don't know if the Bills were more resilient than I gave them credit for, or maybe Cleveland is just slouching away from complete suckiness a bit more slowly than I anticipated (they were decent against the Ravens on Thursday).

This week I've already hit the Browns covering against said Ravens, although I'd like to know to whom Brandon Wheeden was throwing that final pass. Maybe one of the Cleveland receivers was up in the stands getting a beer.

As always, remember -- using these picks to wager actual money is about as advisable as KFC not bringing those bacon-and-mashed-potato fritters they're selling in Japan to the States. Honey Boo-Boo's family's already down for a dumptruck full.
New York Giants (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (47): I guess Vegas is expecting the Eagles to bounce back. I expect them to suck. Giants 26, Eagles 16.
Washington (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY (47.5): Much is being made of the Buccaneers' run defense stopping RGIII, but the good news is Mike Shanahan has at least 39 other running backs he can cycle in. Racists 26, Buccaneers 22.
New Orleans (+7.5) at GREEN BAY (52.5): I think local papers missed a great nickname for Mark Chumura when that scandal broke -- "The Lambeau Creep." Packers 30, Saints 20.
Cincinnati (-2.5) at JACKSONVILLE (43.5): The Bengals' terrible defense may have met its match in the Jaguars' terrible offense. Avoid at all costs. Bengals 22, Jags 21.
Oakland (+7) at DENVER (48.5): Wide receiver Darius Heyward-Bey says he doesn't remember the huge hit he took last week. Raider fans wish they could say the same about the last nine years or so. Broncos 23, Raiders 20.
Miami (+5) at ARIZONA (39): It's nice to be able to say I'm a Cardinals fan and not have to explain it for a change. Cardinals 23, Dolphins 16.
Seattle (-3) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (39.5): People need to back off Golden Tate. That move he used last week is the same way I clear out lingerers in front of the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral. Seahawks 23, Rams 14.
Tennessee (+12) at HOUSTON (44.5): Do the Texans deserve to get almost two TDs against a division rival? Yes, yes they do. Texans 34, Titans 17.
San Diego (-1.5) at KANSAS CITY (44): The Chiefs are getting scored on more than Jim Gaffigan's wife. Actually, given Jeannie Gaffigan's Twitter account, I think it might be the other way around. Congrats to both of them on No. 5 -- the Pope is proud! Chargers 29, Chiefs 22.
San Francisco (-3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (41.5): Hey, how much fun do you think practice was in San Francisco this week? 49ers 24, Jets 17.
Carolina (+7) at ATLANTA (48.5): He's playing great, but "Matty Ice" is about the stupidest nickname ever. Who wants to be linked to a shitty beer forever? Falcons 31, Panthers 16.
Minnesota (+4) at DETROIT (47.5): I like the Lions' chances with Glass Joe on the bench. Lions 26, Vikings 20.
New England (-3.5) at BUFFALO (50.5): I'm hoping Bill Belichick forgets and grabs Ed Hochuli this week. It'd be tough to coach with your head jammed up your ass. Patriots 27, Bills 19.
Chicago (+3.5) at DALLAS (41.5): One of my game predictors has this dead even. So it comes down to this -- where was Ditka more of a badass? Sure, he was Da Coach, but have you ever seen game footage of Ditka playing tight end for the Cowboys? Advantage: Dallas. Cowboys 20, Bears 17.
Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Trifecta: New York Giants, Atlanta, Arizona
Week Three ATS: 6-10
Week Three SU: 6-10
Week Three Lock of the Week: 0-1
Week Three Trifecta: 0-1
Week Three $ Total: -$700
2012 Season ATS: 17-29-2
2012 Season SU: 21-27
2012 Season Lock of the Week: 1-2
2012 Season Trifecta: 1-2
2012 Season $ Total: -$1,420
2012 Season ProLine Totals: -$35

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