The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 2 2015 Edition

Welcome to Week Two of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're pretty sure Gary Kubiak is looking back at his summer spent planning a ball-control offense and wishing he'd gone to Six Flags instead.

We're 0-1 straight up and against the spread after Jamaal Charles graciously decided to share the ball with the Broncos late Thursday night. In better news, though, it appears we won the Football Guys College Football DFS contest on Saturday, and $100 is enough to get Vinnie off my back for another week or two.

And remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as betting on Jason Pierre Paul in a piano competition.

Houston (+3) at CAROLINA (40.5): How long will the Ryan Mallett era last in Houston? Well, if Arian Foster gets back as quickly as is now being predicted, perhaps longer than you think. We tend to think any quarterback drafted originally by the Patriots must have something on the ball, right? PANTHERS 23, TEXANS 21.
Tampa Bay (+10) at NEW ORLEANS (47): Maybe Jameis Winston had a couple packages of crab legs stuffed in his pants last week. SAINTS 26, BUCCANEERS 17.
San Francisco (+6) at PITTSBURGH (45.5): Did anyone else think last week, even if just for a second, that Troy Polamalu was running the ball for Pittsburgh? STEELERS 23, 49ERS 20.
Detroit (+2.5) at MINNESOTA (43.5): Neither of these teams played well last week and the famous David Dodds Game Predictor has this dead even, so add the home FG ... and then stay the hell away from it. VIKINGS 24, LIONS 22. 
New England (-1) at BUFFALO (45): No sound logic here, just six years of having "Don't be against Bill" beaten into our heads and wallets. PATRIOTS 24, BILLS 20.
Arizona (-1.5) at CHICAGO (46): We'll roll with the Kangol, thank you. CARDINALS 27, BEARS 21.
Tennessee (-1) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Actual believe-the-hype young quarterback against bullshit hype young quarterback. You figure out which is which. TITANS 23, BROWNS 16.
St. Louis (-3.5) at WASHINGTON (41): Tickets for this game have gone as low as $11, which is $11 more than you should have to fork out to see Washington play. RAMS 24, RACISTS 20.
Atlanta (+2.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (51): The only people who handled a clock situation worse than the Giants last week were the police and school officials in Irving, TX. #IStandWithAhmed FALCONS 27, GIANTS 20.
Baltimore (-6) at OAKLAND (43): You have to have a pretty dreadful haircut to make George W. Bush look like the smart one. Is Davis rich because he owns the rights to the Flowbee? RAVENS 31, RAIDERS 13.
Miami (-6) at JACKSONVILLE (41.5): Blake Bortles the media like ... Blake Bortles handles the offense. DOLPHINS 27, JAGUARS 17.

And the rest ... 

San Diego (+3) at CINCINNATI (47): BENGALS 30, CHARGERS 20.
Dallas (+5) at PHILADELPHIA (55.5): EAGLES 31, COWBOYS 24.
Seattle (+3.5) at GREEN BAY (49): PACKERS 24, SEAHAWKS 23.
New York Jets (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS (47): COLTS 26, JETS 16.

Lock of the Week: Baltimore

Trifecta: Baltimore, Atlanta, Miami