The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Five, 2014

Welcome to Week Five of the 2014 edition of the Football Hoser's NFL picks, where it's a quickie this week.

We were again right around .500 on our picks against the spread, which is another way of saying lousy. You could just as easily be throwing darts, or having monkey fling crap at a chart. Come to think of it ... *runs off to check availability of www.monkeythrowingcrappicks.com*

We finished at 6-7 for the ATS and a reasonable 8-5 straight up, but once again, we could not pinpoint a single game to make the Lock of the Week. That makes us 0-4 for Locks for the season. It's like Elizabeth Taylor picking husbands.

As always, remember: these picks are for fun. Using these picks to make actual bets is as advisable as not planning out your bridesmaid photos very well.

Houston (+6.5) at Dallas (46.5): If I were Jason Garrett, I'd tell Tony Romo every time he throws an ill-advised pass, he has to kneel down and take a picture next to Jerry Jones' junk. Cowboys 26, Texans 20.
Buffalo (+6.5) at DETROIT (43.5): Because who doesn't want a Dave Grohl lookalike under centre? Lions 24, Bills 20.
Pittsburgh (-6) at JACKSONVILLE (47): I hope the Jaguars fight as hard as Ben Affleck did. I mean, Ben's full of shit on this, but still. Steelers 23, Jaguars 19.
Arizona (+7.5) at DENVER (48): Carson Palmer returns just in time to get the Cardinals' first loss hung on him. Broncos 26, Cardinals 21.
Cincinnati (-1) at NEW ENGLAND (46): This is either going to be the moment Bill Belichick proves his genius beyond measure, or the moment we realize the Patriots are done. I choose the latter. Bengals 27, Patriots 16.
Seattle (-7) at WASHINGTON (45): For some perspective on this game, be sure to find last week's South Park episode "Go Fund Yourself." I'm still chuckling. Seahawks 26, Racists 17.
Chicago (+2.5) at CAROLINA (45.5): Panthers 24, Bears 20.
Cleveland (+1.5) at TENNESSEE (44): Browns 23, Titans 19.
St. Louis (+6.5) at PHILADELPHIA (48): Eagles 31, Rams 21.
Atlanta (+4) at NEW YORK GIANTS (50.5): Giants 30, Falcons 23.
Tampa Bay (+10) at NEW ORLEANS (48): Saints 31, Buccaneers 22.
Kansas City (+5.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): 49ers 24, Chiefs 20.
New York Jets (+6.5) at SAN DIEGO (43.5): Chargers 27, Jets 17.
Baltimore (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (49): Colts 26, Ravens 20.
Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Philadelphia, Cincinnati

2014 Week Four

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 6-7
SU: 8-5
Total $: -$770

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 0-4
Trifecta: 0-4
ATS: 30-29-2
SU: 32-29
Total $: -$2,090