The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 13, 2014

The Hoser is 2-1 against the spread and straight up after Thanksgiving. Damn you, Tony Romo!

Washington (+9) at Indianapolis (50): Colts 28, Racists 20.
Tennessee (+7) at Houston (42.5): Texans 24, Titans 20.
Cleveland (+3) at Buffalo (41.5): Bills 23, Browns 20.
San Diego (+6.5) at Baltimore (46): Ravens 27, Chargers 19.
NY Giants (-3) at Jacksonville (44): Giants 26, Jaguars 20.
Cincinnati (-5.5) at Tampa Bay (43.5): Bengals 29, Buccaneers 20.
Oakland (+6) at St. Louis (42.5): Rams 24, Raiders 23.
New Orleans (+3.5) at Pittsburgh (53.5): Steelers 30, Saints 20.
Carolina (+2.5) at Minnesota (41): Vikings 21, Panthers 20.
Arizona (-2) at Atlanta (45): I'm pulling for the Cardinals, but we may be asking just a bit too much of Drew Stanton. Then again, they are playing an NFC South team. Cardinals 24, Falcons 21.
New England (+3) at Green Bay (57): Patriots 29, Packers 26.
Denver (+1) at Kansas City (49): Broncos 27, Chiefs 23.
Miami (-7) at NY Jets (42): Dolphins 26, Jets 16.

Lock of the Week: Pittsburgh
Trifecta: Pittsburgh, Miami, New England

The Hoser's Week 13 NFL Picks, Thursday (Thanksgiving) Edition

Like your body after stuffing yourself with turkey and pie, my momentum is now gone. I struggled to a 6-9 week against the spread and lost the Trifecta and the Lock (c'mon, Larry Fitzgerald would have DEFINITELY been worth two touchdowns).

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends in the U.S. Remember to tell your family you love them and be thankful for what you have -- which is the day off to watch football!

Chicago (+7) at DETROIT (46.5): The Lions' offense has not been bad the past few weeks -- it's been stinkier than that bag of leftover green bean casserole you found at the back of the fridge last February. Still, we're talking about the Bears here, who hand out points like Santa hands out gifts. Lions 30, Bears 19.
Philadelphia (+3) at DALLAS (56): If you asked Cowboys fans which they thought was a crappier play by a quarterback, the Buttfumble or Tony Romo dropping that extra point, I don't know which they'd pick. I'd take Sanchez there, but I can't take him in this game. Cowboys 31, Eagles 27.
Seattle (+1.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (40): This one's tighter than your pants tonight. Oddsmakers think the Seahawks are the better team, and with Marshawn in full #BeastMode, I have to agree. Is it enough on the road? Yes. Yes it is. Seahawks 22, 49ers 20.

2014 Week 12

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 6-9
SU: 11-4
Total $: -790

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 3-9
Trifecta: 0-12
ATS: 92-82-2
SU: 110-65-1
Total $: -$2,420 

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 12, 2014

Just the picks -- busted car again.

Cleveland (+3) at Atlanta (48): Browns 24, Falcons 22.
Tennessee (+11.5) at Philadelphia (49): Eagles 30, Titans 20.
Detroit (+7) at New England (48): Patriots 23, Lions 17.
Green Bay (-8) at Minnesota (49.5): Packers 27, Vikings 20.
Jacksonville (+13.5) at Indianapolis (50): Colts 30, Jaguars 17.
Cincinnati (+2.5) at Houston (44): Texans 24, Bengals 23.
Tampa Bay (+4) at Chicago (45.5): Bears 24, Buccaneers 21.
Arizona (+7) at Seattle (41.5): Cardinals 22, Seahawks 19.
St. Louis (+5.5) at San Diego (43.5): Rams 22, Chargers 20.
Miami (+6.5) at Denver (48): Broncos 27, Dolphins 20.
Washington (+9) at San Francisco (44): 49ers 30, Racists 13.
Dallas (-4) at New York Giants (47): Cowboys 30, Giants 20.
Baltimore (+3) at New Orleans (50): Ravens 26, Saints 24.
New York Jets (+2.5) at Buffalo (Detroit) (41.5): Bills 23, Jets 19.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona. Dallas, Jacksonville

The Hoser's Week 12 NFL Picks, Thursday Edition

In the "damned-near impossible to do, but by God, I did it" category, I was a sparkling 11-3 last week against the spread, and still managed to blow the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. In other galling news, Indianapolis cost me three-team and six-team parlays which would have paid $130 on $8 worth of tickets.

Upon further review, Ryan Womeldorf of Two Pad Stack (yeah, it's a hockey site, what of it?) called me out for being an utter moron for taking Indy when New England has clearly been the better team the past umpteen weeks. In my defense, well ... there isn't one. I thought it would take Bill Belichick another week or two to work Jonas Gray into the offense rather than him suddenly becoming Jim Freaking Brown.

By the way, doesn't that name - Jonas Gray - sound like the normal moniker of some caped superhero? I bet it does to the Colts.

Tonight's contest is below. See you on Sunday!

Kansas City (-7.5) at OAKLAND (42.5): You know it's bad when the Raider fan base is calling for the return of ... Hue Jackson? Wow, folks, set your sights a bit higher. Chiefs 23, Raiders 16.

2014 Week 11

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 11-3
SU: 7-7
Total $: +$370

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 3-8
Trifecta: 0-11
ATS: 86-73-2
SU: 99-61-1
Total $: -$1,630 

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 11, 2014

We're 1-0 on both counts after getting the Dolphins/Bills tilt right. 

Houston (+3.5) at Cleveland (41): There has to be someone at NASA working on cloning J.J. Watts 52 more times. Browns 23, Texans 20.
Minnesota (+2.5) at Chicago (46): So Adrian Peterson didn't show up for his disciplinary hearing? Who's advising him -- Dewey, Cheatum & Howe? Bears 22, Vikings 16.
Detroit (+1) at Arizona (41.5): Tough week for a back-up to step in, but I'm humming that old Sound of Music tune -- "I have confidence in Drew!" Cardinals 23, Lions 20.
New England (+3) at Indianapolis (58): Please, God, let Vinatieri win it with a 50-yarder at the gun. Colts 31, Patriots 23.
Atlanta (-1) at Carolina (47): At halftime, Green Day will come out and play "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." Falcons 24, Panthers 21.
Cincinnati (+7) at New Orleans (50.5): And then Green Day will fly to ... Saints 31, Bengals 26.
Oakland (+10) at San Diego (44.5): If Marc Davis sells the Raiders, then THAT will tell you the baseline for the value of an NFL franchise. I've got a G-note. Chargers 29, Raiders 17.
Pittsburgh (-6) at Tennessee (47): God help me, I have to root for Roethlisberger this week. Steelers 31, Titans 17. Philadelphia (+5.5) at Green Bay (55): Mark Sanchez vs. Aaron Rodgers. Hmmm. Packers 31, Eagles 23.
Denver (-9.5) at St. Louis (51): Don't know who's starting at QB for the Rams? No worries -- neither does Jeff Fisher. Broncos 26, Rams 19.
San Francisco (-4) at NY Giants (44.5): Here come the goddamned 49ers. 49ers 26, Giants 17.
Seattle (+1.5) at Kansas City (42): Chiefs 24, Seahawks 20.
Tampa Bay (+7.5) at Washington (45.5): Racists 23, Buccaneers 20.


Lock of the Week: Pittsburgh
Trifecta: Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Indianapolis,

2014 Week 10

Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 6-7
SU: 10-3
Total $: +$240

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 3-7
Trifecta: 0-10
ATS: 75-70-2
SU: 92-54-1
Total $: -$2,000

The Hoser's Week 11 NFL Picks, Thursday Edition

Damn it, just the pick again!

Buffalo (+4.5) at MIAMI (41): Dolphins 23, Bills 17.

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, 2014 Week 10 Wrap

2014 Week 10

Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 6-7
SU: 10-3
Total $: +$240

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 3-7
Trifecta: 0-10
ATS: 75-70-2
SU: 92-54-1
Total $: -$2,000 

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 10, 2014

Dallas (-7.5) at Jacksonville (45): Cowboys 27, Jaguars 16.
Miami (+2.5) at Detroit (43.5): Dolphins 24, Lions 22.
Kansas City (-2) at Buffalo (41.5): Bills 20, Chiefs 19.
San Francisco (-5) at New Orleans (49): Saints 27, 49ers 23.
Tennessee (+9.5) at Baltimore (44): Ravens 31, Titans 13.
New York Jets (+4.5) at Pittsburgh (45.5): Steelers 30, Jets 17.
Atlanta (-2.5) at Tampa Bay (46): Falcons 19, Buccaneers 13.
Denver (-11.5) at Oakland (49): Broncos 34, Raiders 21.
St. Louis (+7) at Arizona (43): Cardinals 26, Rams 20.
New York Giants (+9) at Seattle (44.5): Seahawks 24, Giants 23.
Chicago (+7.5) at Green Bay (53.5): Packers 29, Bears 20.
Carolina (+6.5) at Philadelphia (48): Eagles 26, Panthers 22.


Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Atlanta, New Orleans, New York Giants

The Hoser's Week 10 NFL Picks, Thursday Edition

Just the pick tonight and this week, as it's the Canadian Sportcard Expo in Toronto this weekend and I'm swamped. I will, however, be meeting Trish Stratus tomorrow night. Save your applause.

Cleveland (+6.5) at Cincinnati (45.5): Ahh, those scrappy Browns ... are going to get smoked by the more talented Bengals.

2014 Week Nine

Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 6-7
SU: 8-5
Total $:+290

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 2-7
Trifecta: 0-9
ATS: 69-63-2
SU: 82-51-1
Total $: -$2,240    

The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Nine, 2014

Welcome to Week Nine of the 2014 edition of the Football Hoser's NFL picks, where my inability to pick a winner rivals Larry King's inability to pick a wife.

I had a decent week against the spread, finishing 8-7 (and 9-6 straight up), but not only did I miss the Lock of the Week, I missed ALL THREE Trifecta games. I believe a friend of mine said he planned to pick the exact opposite of my picks, so if you did, Chris, you owe me lunch.

The finish of that Falcons/Lions game in London set the possibility of the NFL setting up shop overseas back about 50 years. I mean, the Lions iced their own kicker.

As always, remember: these picks are for fun. Using these picks to make actual bets is as advisable as donating money to the Red Cross.


San Diego (+2) at Miami (45): Not a huge fan of the Dolphins, but also not a huge fan of flying all the way across the country. Dolphins 24, Chargers 20.
Jacksonville (+10.5) at Cincinnati (43.5): Bengals 30, Jaguars 13.
Tampa Bay (+7) at Cleveland (43.5): I should have told you all I had Doug Martin on my fantasy team. He's lucky to be alive. Browns 23, Buccaneers 14.
Washington (+1) at Minnesota (43.5): I saw a guy walking around at a hockey game last night wearing a Racists coat. Who the hell is that oblivious? Racists 24, Vikings 20.
Houston (+1.5) at Philadelphia (48.5): Eagles 27, Texans 23.
New York Jets (+9) at Kansas City (42): MICHAELVICKGENOSMITHROFLMAOLOLBBQ. Chiefs 24, Jets 17.
Arizona (PK) at Dallas (44): With Romo out, that should mean more DeMarco Murray, except, how could they possibly use Murray more? Cardinals 26, Cowboys 23.
St. Louis (+9.5) at San Francisco (44): You can't run special-teams tricks every week. 49ers 30, Rams 17.
Denver (-3) at New England (54): I would really love it if Manning and Brady each went out in his first series. Broncos 31, Patriots 30.
Oakland (+14) at Seattle (43): Ah, the Raiders -- the NFL's get-well card. Seahawks 30, Raiders 17.
Baltimore (-1) at Pittsburgh (47.5): Why yes, I did have Roethlisberger on my bench last week. Shut up. Ravens 23, Steelers 20.
Indianapolis (-3) at NY Giants (50.5): Colts 27, Giants 23.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Cleveland, Oakland

2014 Week Eight

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 8-7
SU: 9-6
Total $: -330

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 1-7
Trifecta: 0-8
ATS: 63-56-2
SU: 74-46-1
Total $: -$2,530