The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Nine, 2014

Welcome to Week Nine of the 2014 edition of the Football Hoser's NFL picks, where my inability to pick a winner rivals Larry King's inability to pick a wife.

I had a decent week against the spread, finishing 8-7 (and 9-6 straight up), but not only did I miss the Lock of the Week, I missed ALL THREE Trifecta games. I believe a friend of mine said he planned to pick the exact opposite of my picks, so if you did, Chris, you owe me lunch.

The finish of that Falcons/Lions game in London set the possibility of the NFL setting up shop overseas back about 50 years. I mean, the Lions iced their own kicker.

As always, remember: these picks are for fun. Using these picks to make actual bets is as advisable as donating money to the Red Cross.


San Diego (+2) at Miami (45): Not a huge fan of the Dolphins, but also not a huge fan of flying all the way across the country. Dolphins 24, Chargers 20.
Jacksonville (+10.5) at Cincinnati (43.5): Bengals 30, Jaguars 13.
Tampa Bay (+7) at Cleveland (43.5): I should have told you all I had Doug Martin on my fantasy team. He's lucky to be alive. Browns 23, Buccaneers 14.
Washington (+1) at Minnesota (43.5): I saw a guy walking around at a hockey game last night wearing a Racists coat. Who the hell is that oblivious? Racists 24, Vikings 20.
Houston (+1.5) at Philadelphia (48.5): Eagles 27, Texans 23.
New York Jets (+9) at Kansas City (42): MICHAELVICKGENOSMITHROFLMAOLOLBBQ. Chiefs 24, Jets 17.
Arizona (PK) at Dallas (44): With Romo out, that should mean more DeMarco Murray, except, how could they possibly use Murray more? Cardinals 26, Cowboys 23.
St. Louis (+9.5) at San Francisco (44): You can't run special-teams tricks every week. 49ers 30, Rams 17.
Denver (-3) at New England (54): I would really love it if Manning and Brady each went out in his first series. Broncos 31, Patriots 30.
Oakland (+14) at Seattle (43): Ah, the Raiders -- the NFL's get-well card. Seahawks 30, Raiders 17.
Baltimore (-1) at Pittsburgh (47.5): Why yes, I did have Roethlisberger on my bench last week. Shut up. Ravens 23, Steelers 20.
Indianapolis (-3) at NY Giants (50.5): Colts 27, Giants 23.

Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, Cleveland, Oakland

2014 Week Eight

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 8-7
SU: 9-6
Total $: -330

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 1-7
Trifecta: 0-8
ATS: 63-56-2
SU: 74-46-1
Total $: -$2,530