The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 16 2011

The Saturday start caught us unprepared -- which should frankly make no difference in the accuracy of our picks. Good luck to those of you playing in your fantasy football championships this weekend and Merry Christmas to all!

 

Oakland (+2.5) at KANSAS CITY (42): We're surprised SeaBass's 65-yard-attempt last week just didn't rip the hand off the guy who blocked it. Raiders 22, Chiefs 16.

Denver (-2.5) at BUFFALO (43.5): You gotta think if Tebow actually HAS connections upstairs, they're gonna come through big time this week. Broncos 23, Bills 19.

Jacksonville (+7) at TENNESSEE (39.5): We thought the Jake Locker era would start last week. It should have. Titans 24, Jaguars 13.

Arizona (+4.5) at CINCINNATI (41): Did you know the Cardinals are 7-7? Does anyone know that? Bengals 20, Cardinals 17.

Miami (+8) at NEW ENGLAND (50): It's two-hoodie weather in New England, we think. Patriots 27, Dolphins 17.

Cleveland (+11.5) at BALTIMORE (39): Don't they know Peyton Hillis is back? Ravens 22, Browns 13.

New York Giants (+3) at NEW YORK JETS (47): Give the Giants credit -- I don't think I'd be able to show my face in New York after last week's performance. They were worse than that "Kung Fu Panda" Christmas special. Jets 23, Giants 17.

Minnesota (+6.5) at WASHINGTON (44): Free Joe Webb! Racists 23, Vikings 17.

Tampa Bay (+7.5) at CAROLINA (48.5): Don't let your kids watch this one -- the nightmares will keep them from getting to sleep and letting Santa do his work. Panthers 26, Buccaneers 17.

St. Louis Rams (+10.5) at PITTSBURGH (34.5): I hope Andrew Luck like Budweiser. Steelers 24, Rams 10.

San Diego (+2) at DETROIT (52.5): The Chargers are making their annual late-season rush, but it stops in the Motor City. Lions 29, Chargers 24.

San Francisco (-1) at SEATTLE (37.5): Game of the week here, and Beast Mode is still in effect for the holidays. Seahawks 20, 49ers 16.

Philadelphia (+1.5) at DALLAS (51): Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said this week he was scared of the Eagles, but he might have just been looking at old bills from his plastic surgeon. Cowboys 27, Eagles 24.

Chicago (+11) at GREEN BAY (42): Hoo boy, this could be a bloodbath. The Bears would be better off installing Brian Urlacher at QB and just running 60 sneaks. Packers 27, Bears 10.

Atlanta (+7) at NEW ORLEANS (52): Anyone else see the Falcon sideline every week and wonder how Gomez Addams got a sideline pass? Saints 29, Falcons 26.

Lock of the Week: New England

Trifecta: New England, Seattle, Dallas

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 16 2011 -- Thursday edition

Houston (-7) at INDIANAPOLIS (40): I haven't consulted a calendar yet, but what lasted longer -- Indy's losing streak or the Kardashian marriage? Texans 26, Colts 16.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 15 2011

Picks are done and it's time to head out for a well-earned pancake breakfast. Enjoy and Merry Christmas to all!

 

Washington (+6.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): I'd be happier if both teams could lose this one. Giants 24, Racists 17.

Green Bay (-13.5) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): Unemployed NFL coaches will draw straws this morning and the loser runs KC today. Packers 27, Chiefs 10.

New Orleans (-7.5) at MINNESOTA (53): Shouldn't be much of a game, but it's fun to watch Toby Gerhart run over linebackers like Lindsey Lohan headed for a free bar. Saints 31, Vikings 20.

Seattle (+3.5) at CHICAGO (35.5): Sam Hurd should have advertised -- "It's the Windy City and boy, do we have your blow!" Seahawks 17, Bears 16.

Miami (+1.5) at BUFFALO (40.5): Dolphins hate the cold, don't they? Bills 20, Dolphins 16.

Carolina (+6) at HOUSTON (44.5): If you decide to bet against the Panthers, don't watch the game. Cam Newton will have your Fritos dancing in your stomach. Texans 26, Panthers 21.

Tennessee (-6.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (41.5): Welcome in Jake Locker -- about five weeks too late. Titans 22, Colts 13.

Cincinnati (-7) at ST. LOUIS (39): Unless your TV has a convection oven that automatically produces the snack food of choice for the home team (hello, toasted ravioli!), there's no reason to watch this game. Bengals 21, Rams 13.

Detroit (-1) at OAKLAND (48): There's no truth to the rumour that Ndamukong Suh spent his two weeks with the national touring company of Stomp. Lions 24, Raiders 20.

New England (-7.5) at DENVER (47): The QB who talks about Jesus vs. the actual Football Jesus. Patriots 26, Broncos 20.

New York Jets (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (44): It would be much cooler to see Rex Ryan square off against Andy Reid in a Philly cheesesteak-eating competition. Jets 19, Eagles 17.

Cleveland (+7) at ARIZONA (37.5): In a special promotion, Sheriff Joe Arpaio will be on hand to make sure no Hispanics get off the Cleveland team bus. Cardinals 20, Browns 16.

Baltimore (-2.5) at SAN DIEGO (44.5): Ray Lewis returns, which means tough time for the Charger offense and possible overtime for San Diego area police. Ravens 26, Chargers 19.

Pittsburgh (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (39): Depends on two factors -- Big Ben's ankle and whether the 49ers bother to show up this week after last Sunday's debacle. We're betting yes. 49ers 17, Steelers 16.

Lock of the Week: Detroit

Trifecta: Detroit, Baltimore, Seattle

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 15 2011 -- Thursday edition

Jacksonville (+13.5) at ATLANTA (42): This game would be more fun if the Jaguars had already moved to London. When that happens, it should be decreed that all highlights be backed by the Benny Hill theme music. Falcons 23, Jaguars 14.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 14 2011

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 14, where we finally have some time to give our picks and analysis the time and thought they so richly ... BWAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, couldn't make it through that sentence with a straight face.

Again, just the quickies.

Indianapolis (+16.5) at BALTIMORE (41): The lack of Ray Lewis at LB might allow the Colts to get TWO first downs. Ravens 27, Colts 12.

Houston (+3) at CINCINNATI (38): Texans 22, Bengals 17.

Oakland (+11) at GREEN BAY (51.5): Packers 34, Raiders 17.

Kansas City (+10.5) at NEW YORK JETS (36.5): Todd Haley is still talking playoffs. Jim Mora to the white courtesy phone, please. Jets 20, Chiefs 10.

Minnesota (+10) at DETROIT (47): Adrian Peterson may not be playing, but the Vikes will still get an ADP -- All Day Pounding. Lions 30, Vikings 13.

New Orleans (-3.5) at TENNESSEE (49.5): Saints 27, Titans 20.

Philadelphia (+3) at MIAMI (46): I'd stay far, far away from this game, but God, the line does a body good. Dolphins 23, Eagles 17.

New England (-8) at WASHINGTON (48): Patriots 31, Redskins 17.

Atlanta (-3) at CAROLINA (47.5): Falcons 26, Panthers 21.

Tampa Bay (-2) at JACKSONVILLE (39): Jaguars 23, Buccaneers 19.

San Francisco (-3.5) at ARIZONA (39): 49ers 24, Cardinals 10.

Chicago (+3.5) at DENVER (35.5): I wonder if the Bears have thought about calling Kyle Orton yet? Broncos 16, Bears 13.

Buffalo (+7) at SAN DIEGO (47.5): I'll be watching this one just to see how Norv Turner screws it up. Chargers 26, Bills 20.

New York Giants (+3.5) at DALLAS (49): I'm pretty sure the Cowboys could just sign some homeless guy right before kickoff and he'd have two TDs and 140 yards receiving. Cowboys 29, Giants 23.

St. Louis Rams (+9.5) at SEATTLE (37): I'd rather watch the Donald Trump "debate." Seahawks 23, Rams 7.

Lock of the Week: San Francisco

Trifecta: San Francisco, Houston, New Orleans

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 14 2011 -- Thursday edition

Cleveland (+14) at PITTSBURGH: I haven't given up on the Browns, but just like "The Cleveland Show," I don't expect much any more, either. Steelers 29, Browns 17.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week 13

Already missed the Seattle game. Yay.

Tennessee (+1.5) at BUFFALO (42): Titans 23, Bills 16.
Kansas City (+7) at CHICAGO (37): Bears 24, Chiefs 13.
Oakland (+3) at MIAMI (43.5): Dolphins 24, Raiders 20.
Cincinnati (+7) at PITTSBURGH (42.5): Steelers 20, Bengals 17.
Baltimore (-6.5) at CLEVELAND (38): Ravens 20, Bengals 14.
New York Jets (-3) at WASHINGTON (38): Jets 19, Racists 14.
Atlanta (-2.5) at HOUSTON (37.5): Falcons 26, Texans 20.
Carolina (+3.5) at TAMPA BAY (47): Panthers 23, Buccaneers 20.
Detroit (+9) at NEW ORLEANS (54): Saints 30, Lions 23.
Denver (+1.5) at MINNESOTA (37.5): Broncos 22, Vikings 9.
St. Louis Rams (+13) at SAN FRANCISCO (37.5): 49ers 26, Rams 14.
Dallas (-4.5) at ARIZONA (45.5): Cowboys 30, Cardinals 20.
Green Bay (-6.5) at NY GIANTS (52.5): Packers 33, Giants 23.
Indianapolis (+20.5) at NEW ENGLAND (47.5): Patriots 34, Colts 10.
San Diego (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (39): Chargers 23, Jaguars 21.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Atlanta, Denver, Dallas

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 13 2011 -- Thursday edition

We'll post this teaser haiku up now and should have everything else ready to go by tomorrow afternoon.

Philadelphia (-3) at SEATTLE (43):

Putting Philly fans

In a room with their QB?

Young -- and the restless.

Eagles 26, Seahawks 20.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week 12

Editor's Note: Not sure what happened, but my picks didn't post for some reason. They were posted at sportsfilter.com as usual, so here they are. Trust me, I didn't change anything as you can see from my Lock of the Week.

Being busy sucks. Went 2-1 against the spread and straight up on Thanksgiving. See you for haiku next week!

Arizona (+2.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (40): This week at quarterback for the Cardinals -- Charlie Trippi! Rams 22, Cardinals 16.

Buffalo (+9) at NY JETS (42): We haven't seen a collapse like this since Oprah took off her Spanx. Jets 26, Bills 19.

Cleveland (+7) at CINCINNATI (37.5): Peyton Hillis may finally return today. Yaaay. Bengals 21, Browns 17.

Houston (-6) at JACKSONVILLE (37.5): We have to admit, we're really pulling for Matt Leinart to succeed here. Texans 23, Jaguars 16.

Carolina (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (47.5): Ugh. Colts 24, Panthers 20.

Tampa Bay (+3) at TENNESSEE (43): We may never hear from Matt Hassleback again. Titans 24, Buccaneers 17.

Minnesota (+9.5) at ATLANTA (44): The Vikings without ADP is like "Two And A Half Men" without Charlie Sheen -- just not worth watching. Wait -- "Two And A Half Men" wasn't worth watching before. Falcons 30, Vikings 14.

Chicago (+3) at OAKLAND (41): Reading wayyyyy too much into the loss of Jay Cutler. Bears 24, Raiders 16. 

Washington (+3) at SEATTLE (37.5): We'd bet there's a discussion of some book on Iranian pottery on Book TV right now. Go find it -- it'll be much more entertaining than this game. Seahawks 20, Racists 13.

New England (-3) at PHILADELPHIA (50.5): Do the Eagles actually have anyone healthy to dress for this game? Patriots 30, Eagles 20.

Denver (+5.5) at SAN DIEGO (42): Philip Rivers has six kids under the age of 10? Well, at least we know one thing he throws that doesn't get intercepted. Chargers 26, Broncos 23.

Pittsburgh (+10.5) at KANSAS CITY (40): The worst thing that could happen to the Steelers here is it's wet and Troy Polamalu's hair gets frizzy. Steelers 27, Chiefs 17.

New York Giants (+7) at NEW ORLEANS (50.5): And now begins the annual and inevitable slow decline of the Giants. Saints 31, Giants 22.

Lock of the Week: Chicago

Trifecta: Chicago, New England, Tennessee

The Hoser's NFL picks for Thanksgiving 2011

Just quick hits today with rest to follow on Saturday. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, Americans!

Green Bay (-5) at DETROIT (55): Packers 30, Lions 24.
Miami (+7) at DALLAS (45): Cowboys 22, Dolphins 20.
San Francisco (+3.5) at BALTIMORE (40): Ravens 20, 49ers 19.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week 11

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 11, where, what the hell -- we're announcing we're in the running for the Republican presidential nomination. We haven't divorced a woman in a hospital, racked up a bunch of sexual harassment settlements or written racial slurs on rocks outside our house, but we'll hope you'll consider us anyway.

The Hoser had a strange week in Week 10, going 10-6 straight up and 8-8 against the spread but nailing both the Lock of the Week (Jacksonville) and the Trifecta (Jags, Texans, Patriots). That means an $820 gain, pushing us up over $4K for the year (fictionally, of course). We're wondering if any of the so-called money touts are 9-1 on the Lock this year. *thumps chest*

As always, remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Ashton Kutcher take over your Twitter feed while you're on vacation.

Editor's Note: You can check back -- we picked the Thursday game correctly on the spread but lost it straight up. Who cares? It's all about the Tebow!


Tennessee (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43.5): Doesn't it seem like Tennessee has only won two games this year? And yet here they are, 5-4 just like Atlanta. Give Mike Munchak a lot of credit. Falcons 26, Titans 17.

Buffalo (+3) at MIAMI (43): Anyone else think the Dolphins might win out? Dolphins 23, Bills 19.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at BALTIMORE (40.5): Ray Lewis is out for this game, which means maybe one more scoring opportunity for the Bengals and a better chance to cover this spread. Of course, it also increases the chances of someone being stabbed at the game. Ravens 20, Bengals 17.

Jacksonville (+1) at CLEVELAND (34): The statistical predictors we've seen have this as a tie. We'll give the edge to the Browns because Drew Carey looks like he could suit up for them. Browns 19, Jaguars 16.

Oakland (+2) at MINNESOTA (46): Weird line of the week. Are we missing something? Raiders 27, Vikings 16.

Carolina (+7) at DETROIT (47.5): How bad is the running back situation for the Lions? They just resigned Kevin Smith. He's big and low to the ground, but we don't know how he's gonna run in that trenchcoat. Lions 31, Panthers 17.

Tampa Bay (+14) at GREEN BAY (48.5): The game that sends the Buccaneers' season to Davy Jones' Locker for good. Packers 30, Buccaneers 17.

Dallas (-7) at WASHINGTON (41.5): Anyone else notice how much Mike Shanahan looks like Jeff Dunham's dummy Walter lately? Makes sense -- Walter has Dunham's hand up his ass, and you can bet Shanahan has the entirety of Dan Snyder up his. Cowboys 31, Racists 10.

Arizona (+10.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (40.5): The Cards won't win, but we like the John Skelton mojo. 49ers 24, Cardinals 14.

Seattle (+3) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (40): Rams 20, Seahawks 16.

San Diego (+3.5) at CHICAGO (45): If the Bears could somehow make Matt Forte the QB of a Tim Tebow-style offense, they'd never lose another game. Bears 24, Chargers 20.

Philadelphia (+6) at NY GIANTS (45): Vick and Maclin are out, and so is any hope in Philly. Giants 27, Eagles 17.

Kansas City (+15) at NEW ENGLAND (46.5): Normally, we wouldn't give two touchdowns, but normally you don't have an NFL team playing like a DIII art school squad. Patriots 34, Chiefs 10.

Lock of the Week: Oakland

Trifecta: Oakland, Cincinnati, New York Giants

2011 Week 10 Hoser Picks:

Straight Up: 10-6

Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-1
Trifecta: 1-1
Money: $+820

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 100-47

Against The Spread: 75-70-1
Lock of the Week: 9-1
Trifecta: 23-7

Money: $+4,250

2011 Week 10 Pro-Line: $0

2011 Season Pro-Line: $99
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+80

Thursday night quickie!

As Sean Connery would say on Jeopardy, "Just the way your mother likes it!"

New York Jets 23, Denver Broncos 20.

The Hoser's NFL Picks 2011 Week Ten

Welcome to Week 10 of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where apparently the surefire way to have yourself an incredible week is simply not post the picks anywhere except here.

We had most of our picks written when we had to step out for a while, and when we came back, the post hadn't saved. Frustrated, our staff stomped out of the office and let off some steam by starting an impromptu "Occupy Bay Street" protest, but we were quickly bought off with free TimBits and passes to the Hockey Hall of Fame.

We didn't get back to our duties, however, until early Sunday. By that time, we could only make our picks, and post them here, instead of at SportsFilter, CappersMall.com and HobbyInsider.net, where we usually do. It worked out fine for us, though, as we posted a scorching 12-2 record against the spread and 9-5 straight up.

We missed the Trifecta thanks to St. Louis absolutely blowing it in Phoenix, but Atlanta pushed us to 8-1 for the Lock of the Week this year. In all, we picked up a tidy $1,380 for the week.

This week, we're off to a trade show for the weekend, so the notes will be brief (all of you clapping, shut up). As always, remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as sending your wife to a Herman Cain rally by herself.

Oakland (+7) at SAN DIEGO (47.5): Philip Rivers has to be a pretty good quarterback to throw six touchdowns in a game -- even if two of them were to Packers. Chargers 24, Raiders 20.

Pittsburgh (-3.5) at CINCINNATI (41.5): Reading this story, we're guessing the Bengals already have a contract on the way. Steelers 23, Bengals 20.

Denver (+3) at KANSAS CITY (41): Funny, there was precious little bitching about "Tebowing" this week, was there? Chiefs 23, Broncos 19.

Jacksonville (-3) at INDIANAPOLIS (37.5): Jaguars 26, Colts 16.

Buffalo (+5) at DALLAS (48): Cowboys 27, Bills 20.

Tennessee (+3.5) at CAROLINA (45.5): This line makes us wonder how big Danny Sheridan's mancrush is on Cam Newton. Titans 23, Panthers 21.

Washington (+4) at MIAMI (37.5): Miami  wins one game and they're favoured over Washington? We bet you could make diamonds in Mike Shanahan's sphincter right now. Dolphins 21, Racists 16.

New Orleans (+1) at ATLANTA (49.5): The game of the week and this one's closer than Jennifer Tilly's cans in that dress she wore on Craig Ferguson the other night. Falcons 27, Saints 21.

Detroit (+3) at CHICAGO (45): They say former Lions GM Matt Millen broke down on TV talking about Joe Paterno the other day, but we're pretty sure someone just slid a copy of his draft record in front of him. Bears 24, Lions 22.

St. Louis Rams (+3) at CLEVELAND (37): Sam Bradford has thrown just three TD passes this season. To put that in perspective, it's only three more than Jeff George. Browns 22, Rams 17.

Arizona (-14) at PHILADELPHIA (47): The line on this one just got posted and it's wider than Kim Kardashian's ass. Eagles 29, Cardinals 14.

Baltimore (-6.5) at SEATTLE (41): Supposedly, the Pittsburgh stadium staff insinuated Joe Flacco was a woman by showing his and Ben Roethlisberger's at the same time and playing "What's Your Name?" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Flacco can't be female, though -- Big Ben didn't try to sexually assault him. Ravens 22, Seahawks 13.

New York Giants (+3.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (42.5): Yep, it was all Mike Singletary's fault. 49ers 24, Giants 20.

New England (+2) at NEW YORK JETS (47.5): Now that the Patriots have jettisoned Albert Haynesworth, that saved weight should allow everyone flying on their charter to bring an extra bag. Patriots 26, Jets 20.
Houston (-3) at TAMPA BAY (45.5):  Annnnd justlikethat, Tampa Bay picks up Haynesworth and signals that yes, they are officially grasping at straws. Texans 26, Buccaneers 20.

Minnesota (+12.5) at GREEN BAY (51.5): Packers 33, Vikings 17.

Lock of the Week: Jacksonville

Trifecta: Jacksonville, Houston, New England

2011 Week 8 Hoser Picks:

Straight Up: 8-5

Against The Spread: 5-8
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-980

2011 Week 9 Hoser Picks: 

Straight Up: 9-5

Against The Spread: 12-2
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+1,380

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 90-41

Against The Spread: 67-62-1
Lock of the Week: 8-1
Trifecta: 2-7

Money: $+3,430

2011 Week 9 Pro-Line: $5 

2011 Week 7 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $99
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+80

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week Nine

Well, for some damned reason my draft didn't save. That's okay -- wasn't that funny anyhow. We'll catch up on last week disaster next week.

Picks for this week:

Atlanta (-6.5) at Indy (45.5): Falcons 34, Colts 13.

Tampa Bay (+8.5) at NEW ORLEANS (50.5): Saints 27, Buccaneers 14. 

Cleveland (+10.5) at HOUSTON (41): Texans 29, Browns 17.

New York Jets (+2.5) at BUFFALO (46): Bills 22, Jets 20. 

Miami (+4.5) at KANSAS CITY (40.5): Chiefs 24, Dolphins 20.

San Francisco (-5) at WASHINGTON (37): 49ers 23, Racists 17.

Seattle (+11) at DALLAS (45): Cowboys 27, Seahawks 17.

Denver (+7) at OAKLAND (41.5): Raiders 24, Broncos 14.

Cincinnati (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (41.5): Bengals 23, Titans 16.

St. Louis Rams (+3) at ARIZONA (41): Rams 20, Cardinals 17.

New York Giants (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (51): Patriots 31, Giants 24.

Green Bay (-6) at SAN DIEGO (50.5): Packers 30, Chargers 20.

Baltimore (+3) at PITTSBURGH (41.5): Ravens 20, Steelers 17.

Chicago (+8) at PHILADELPHIA (47): Eagles 24, Bears 19.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta

Trifecta: Atlanta, Cincinnati, St. Louis

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week Eight

Welcome to Week Eight of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we'll be elbow-deep in pumpkin guts during the late games. Nothing beats smells like rotting fruit at work for a week.

The Hoser stumbled again this week, posting just a 6-7 record against the spread and 8-5 straight up. We missed the Trifecta (thanks for sucking, Washington), but we hit our Lock of the Week for a seventh straight week, putting us up $230 for the week and pushing us back over the $3,000 mark for the year.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Michael Young man first base for your church-league softball team.

Indianapolis (+9) at TENNESSEE (44): Titans 24, Colts 16.

Jacksonville (+9.5) at HOUSTON (40.5): Texans 31, Jaguars 14.

Minnesota (+3.5) at CAROLINA (46.5): Panthers 23, Vikings 20.

New Orleans (-13.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (48): Saints 30, Rams 13.

Arizona (+12.5) at BALTIMORE (43): Ravens 24, Cardinals 13.

Miami (+10) at NEW YORK GIANTS (42): Giants 27, Dolphins 10.

Washington (+4) at BUFFALO (45): Bills 26, Racists 20.

Detroit (+3) at DENVER (41.5): Lions 21, Broncos 20.

New England (-2.5) at PITTSBURGH (52): Patriots 30, Steelers 20.

Cleveland (+9.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (38.5): 49ers 26, Bengals 17.

Cincinnati (-1) at SEATTLE (37.5): Bengals 20, Seahawks 16.

Dallas (+3) at PHILADELPHIA (48.5): Cowboys 27, Eagles 24.

San Diego (-3) at KANSAS CITY (44.5): Chargers 24, Chiefs 17.

Lock of the Week: New England

Trifecta: Dallas, New England, Buffalo

2011 Week 7 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-5
Against The Spread: 6-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+230

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 73-31 

Against The Spread: 50-52-1
Lock of the Week: 7-0
Trifecta: 2-5

Money: $+3,030

2011 Week 7 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 7 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $84
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+85

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week Seven

Welcome to Week Seven of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we may have had a worse week than our friend Muammar.

The Hoser suffered what has to be the worst week in our history, dragging to an awful 1-11-1 against the spread mark and 10-3 straight up. Amazingly, the single game we got right? Atlanta hit the Lock of the Week, keeping us unblemished and scoring an important $500. Still, it was a serious blow to our egos, wallets and standing in the handicapper community. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as picking up your next Sunday-go-to-meetin' outfit from Gaddafi's estate sale.

Chicago (+1) @ TAMPA BAY (44): RB LeGarrette Blount is out, and so are the Buccaneers' chances. Bears 22, Bucs 17.

Washington (+1) at CAROLINA (43.5): This is the best move involving a Beck since FOX fired Glenn. Washington 23, Panthers 17.

San Diego (+1) at NY JETS (43.5): Jets DB Darrelle Revis hung up on talk-show host Mike Francesca after the latter said there was an obvious penalty on Revis's interception return last week. I think it's understandable -- who could listen to that accent for more than 30 seconds? Chargers 23, Jets 21.

Seattle (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): I don't think it's the Madden Curse that's screwing Peyton Hillis. He and his agent are doing a fine job of that on their own. Browns 23, Seahawks 20.

Houston (+3.5) at TENNESSEE (44): The line looks strangely off, but the loss of Mario Williams is huge. The Titans should be able to pound the line and control this game. Titans 24, Texans 17.

Denver (-1) at MIAMI (42): I wonder if the 1977 Tampa Bay Buccaneers pop a bottle every time Miami loses this season. Broncos 20, Dolphins 17.

Atlanta (+3.5) at DETROIT (47): Expect Lions head coach Jim Schwartz to show up at midfield after the game wearing boxing gloves. Falcons 24, Lions 20.

Kansas City (+3.5) at OAKLAND (41): The Raiders will be without Sebastian Janikowski, and that affects a line like losing no other kicker in history. Raiders 20, Chiefs 19.

Pittsburgh (-3.5) at ARIZONA (44): Cardinals RB Beanie Wells could get 30 touches in this game. That should keep it close enough for Arizona to cover. Steelers 23, Cardinals 20.

St. Louis Rams (+13.5) at DALLAS (43): You'd think Rams QB Sam Bradford being out would make a difference, but it doesn't. Cowboys 29, Rams 14.

Green Bay (-9.5) at MINNESOTA (47): The Vikings made a good call last week, benching QB Donovan McNabb for rookie Christian Ponder. It's just won't look very good this week. Packers 27, Vikings 17.

Indianapolis (+14.5) at NEW ORLEANS (49.5):Former Colts head coach Tony Dungy said Indianapolis should be interested in collegiate quarterback Andrew Luck. In other news, former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan said people should be interested in money and Dr. Sanjay Gupta announced humans should be interested in breathing. Saints 31, Colts 17.

Baltimore (-9.5) at JACKSONVILLE (40): The Jaguars are averaging 12 points a game, and that won't improve this week. Ravens 26, Jaguars 10.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta

Trifecta: Atlanta, Chicago, Washington

2011 Week 6 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 1-11-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-710

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 65-26
Against The Spread: 44-45-1
Lock of the Week: 6-0
Trifecta: 2-4
Money: $+2,800

2011 Week 6 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 6 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $74
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+95

Down Goes The Hoser! Down Goes The Hoser!

Wow. Just ... wow.

The Hoser suffered what has to be the worst week in our history, dragging to an awful 1-11-1 against the spread mark and 10-3 straight up. Amazingly, the single game we got right? Atlanta hit the Lock of the Week, keeping us unblemished and scoring an important $500.

Still, brutal. Just ... brutal.

2011 Week 6 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 1-11-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-710

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 65-26
Against The Spread: 44-45-1
Lock of the Week: 6-0
Trifecta: 2-4
Money: $+2,800

2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $74
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+95

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week Six

Welcome to Week Six of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we if we were kicking any more ass, we'd change our name to Chuck Norris on the NFL.

The Hoser had a triumphant week. Not only did we post a strong 9-4 mark against the spread and 10-3 straight up, but we also hit both the Lock of the Week (San Diego) and the Trifecta (Chargers, 49ers, Bills). That's a resounding $1,560 to the good for this week. We'd brag we've been banned from Caesar's Palace, but that had more to do with two showgirls, some butterscotch pudding and a trapeze. Don't ask.

For those following our Pro-Line totals, we played $12 and won $25. It would have been $50 on a second three-team parlay, but the Chargers line was -5.5 and we missed a stinking half-point. NORVVVVVVVVVV!

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as investing in the Greek stock market.

 

St. Louis Rams (+14.5) at GREEN BAY (47.5): We have no good reason to think the Packers won't cover this, but more than two TDs gives us the willies anyway. Packers 31, Rams 17.

Jacksonville (+13) at PITTSBURGH (40.5): Despite records, we have no doubt -- the Jaguars are the worst team in the league. Steelers 34, Jaguars 10.

Philadelphia (-2.5) at WASHINGTON (47): We picture a shell-shocked Andy Reid sitting on the couch in sleep pants, sniffling and eating a bathtub-sized carton of Ben & Jerry's. It won't be any better after this. Racists 26, Eagles 22.

San Francisco (+4.5) at DETROIT (46.5): If you said before the season this game would be the most intriguing in the NFL in Week Six, well, nevermind -- nobody did. Lions 27, 49ers 21.

Carolina (+4) at ATLANTA (50.5): A must-win game for the Falcons, and Matt Ryan is 21-5 at home in his career. Atlanta is far better than its 2-3 record. Falcons 24, Panthers 17.

Indianapolis (+6.5) at CINCINNATI (40): Colts owner Jim Irsay is steadfastly clinging to the possibility of Peyton Manning playing this season. We suspect he may be Tweeting from a field somewhere, waiting also on the return of the Great Pumpkin. Bengals 22, Colts 19.

Buffalo (+3.5) at NY GIANTS (50): Nothing to do with the game, but thank you, Jesus, for putting a Buffalo Wild Wings near us in the Great White North. If they have the $.50 chicken legs, we may never go home again. Giants 27, Bills 23.

Houston (+7) at BALTIMORE (45): We believe a little in the Texans now -- but we believe a hell of a lot more in the Raven defense. Ravens 20, Texans 14.

Cleveland (+7) at OAKLAND (44.5): The Raiders have momentum, while the Browns have a disgruntled Peyton Hillis. Raiders 26, Browns 16.

Dallas (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (55):When Laurent Robinson is the answer, you don't want to know the question. Patriots 30, Cowboys 21.

New Orleans (-6) at TAMPA BAY (49): No LeGarrette Blount, no chance. Saints 30, Buccaneers 17.

Minnesota (+1) at CHICAGO (42): As Viking fans long for those halcyon days of Tarvaris Jackson. Vikings 23, Bears 19.

Miami (+7.5) at NEW YORK JETS (42.5): Dolphins WR Brandon Marshall said he plans to get thrown out in the second quarter. That means he`ll be as effective in the second half Monday as he has been in the first four games. Jets 22, Dolphins 17.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta


Trifecta: Atlanta, New Orleans, New York Giants


2011 Week 5 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 9-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,560

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 55-23
Against The Spread: 43-34
Lock of the Week: 5-0
Trifecta: 2-3
Money: $+3,510

2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $12
2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $25
2011 Season Pro-Line: $64
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+105

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Five 2011

Welcome to Week Five of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we picked up some freelance work this week, so late on the picks.

The Hoser suffered through his first losing week of the season, posting a 7-9 mark against the spread and 11-5 straight up. The Giants gave us our four straight Lock of the Week, but Pittsburgh's stinker in Houston cost us a Trifecta win.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as standing any of those folks at the Occupy Wall Street rally. They're doing God's work, but I bet they smell like a bag of dead otters.

Kansas City (+1.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (38.5): I keep waiting for Curtis Painter to turn to the camera and say, "Hey, Bud, let's party!" Colts 20, Chiefs 17.

Arizona (+3) at MINNESOTA (44.5): The Cardinal offense is deader than "The Playboy Club," and not nearly as titillating. Vikings 24, Cardinals 17.

Philadelphia (-3) at BUFFALO (49.5): Do you believe in the Bills or don't you? I think it's more I don't believe in the Dream Team. Bills 26, Eagles 23.

Oakland (+5) at HOUSTON (49): Condolences to Raiders fan both on the loss of Al Davis and the upcoming loss to the Texans. Texans 28, Raiders 24.

New Orleans (-6.5) at CAROLINA (52.5): Cam Newton throws for 8,000 more yards and it doesn't matter. Saints 30, Panthers 20.

Cincinnati (+1) at JACKSONVILLE (37): This won't be much of a game to watch, but it could be worse -- Ashton Kutcher could be involved. Bengals 20, Jaguars 17

Tennessee (+3.5) at PITTSBURGH (40): Nothing to do with football, but watch Troy Polamalu freak some people out. Steelers 23, Titans 20.

Seattle (+10) at NY GIANTS (43.5): Will it be low scoring enough to keep it inside 10 points? Probably, but I'd stay away. Giants 24, Seahawks 16.

Tampa Bay (+2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41): Alex Smith, baby! It only took, what ... 12 years? 49ers 24, Buccaneers 17.

New York Jets (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND (49.5):The only thing bigger than Rex Ryan's mouth is the trouble his team has scoring. Patriots 27, Jets 17.

San Diego (-3.5) at DENVER (47): Note to Broncos fans chanting for Tim Tebow -- be careful what you wish for. Chargers 27, Broncos 20.

Green Bay (-5.5) at ATLANTA (53.5): The Packers should win this game, but it means a hell of a lot for the Falcons. It'll stay close. Packers 29, Falcons 24.

Chicago (+5.5) at DETROIT (47.5): I think for Halloween I'm going to scare the hell out of Lions fans by showing up at Ford Field dressed as Matt Millen. Lions 26, Bears 20.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, San Francisco, Buffalo

Over/Under Good Buys:

2011 Week 4 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 7-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-50

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 45-20

Against The Spread: 34-30

Lock of the Week: 4-0
Trifecta: 1-3
Money: $+1,950

2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 4 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $52
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+92

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Four 2011

Welcome to Week Four of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we know the NFL is king, but it's pretty tough to top baseball this week.

Wednesday's wild finish kept The Hoser and staff glued to the TV, and nothing makes us happier than watching the Red Sox choke like someone stuffed a baker's dozen of Dunkin' Donuts down their collective throat. Also -- Dan Johnson in the ninth for the Rays? Really? Creed was more likely to have a hit.

The Hoser finished up 11-5 straight up and a pretty weak 9-7 against the spread, but we hit the Lock of the Week (New Orleans) for the third time to start the season and, of course, the Lions cost us the Trifecta. We still turned a small profit for the week (and the third week straight to start the year).

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as firing Terry Francona when clearly your GM is an overspending idiot.

Detroit (+2) at DALLAS (-46.5): The Hoser's new son, Harry, had a pneumothorax at birth, just like Tony Romo. He's also now dating Jessica Simpson. Lions 29, Cowboys 22.

New Orleans (-7) at JACKSONVILLE (45): Admiral Akbar alert! It's a trap! The Jaguars are in the top 5 in many defensive categories, so they should be able to hold the scoring down. That makes the TD spread one to avoid. Saints 24, Jaguars 19.

San Francisco (+9) at PHILADELPHIA (44): The Eagles checked with NFL commissioner Roger Goddell, and he confirmed -- in the case of the Kevin Kolb trade, no backsies. Eagles 23, 49ers 17.

Washington (-2) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (43.5): Another game that seems too close. What's the big home-field advantage for the Rams -- opposing teams' fear of The Arch falling on them? Racists 24, Rams 17.

Tennessee (+1) at CLEVELAND (38.5): The Hoser has nothing interesting to say about this game, and neither should anyone else. Browns 20, Titans 17.

Buffalo (-3) at CINCINNATI (44): Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick and many of the Bengals hang out in yards. Fitzpatrick's was at Harvard, Cincy's are in prisons.  Bills 29, Bengals 17.

Minnesota (-2) at KANSAS CITY (39.5): The Chiefs have a point differential this year of -82, which coincidentally is also The Hoser's credit rating. Vikings 23, Chiefs 20.

Carolina (+6.5) at CHICAGO (42): The Bears have warned all fans not to bring pets to Soldier Field, as their ears could be harmed by the high-pitched sound of Jay Cutler's whining. Bears 26, Panthers 19.

Pittsburgh (+3.5) at HOUSTON (45): The Texans put up a heck of a fight last week, but expect the Steelers to win this one outright. Steelers 24, Texans 20.

Atlanta (-4) at SEATTLE (38.5): The Seahawks are just the medicine the Falcons need to get better. Surgeon General's Warning: Has no effect on Arizona. Falcons 27, Seahawks 17.

New York Giants (-1) at ARIZONA (44.5): So, NY beats the Eagles by 13 and the Cards lose to the Seahawks and it's just a one-point spread? Unless Vegas is sure Eli's having another "Free Footballs For Opposing DBs Day" (as we admit he is wont to do), Arizona has no chance. Giants 26, Cardinals 14.

Miami (+7) at SAN DIEGO (44): It's Sporano, not Soprano, but another loss or two and Tony's gonna get whacked. Chargers 23, Dolphins 17.

Denver (+12.5) at GREEN BAY (46): Not big enough. Packers 31, Broncos 16.

New England (-5) at OAKLAND (55): If the Patriots win this on Raider turf, Al Davis will roll over in his grave. Patriots 30, Raiders 27.

New York Jets (+3.5) at BALTIMORE (42): Joe Namath is a lot more pleasant when he's drunk. Ravens 20, Jets 13.

Indianapolis (+10) at TAMPA BAY (40.5): Paging Carson Palmer, Mr. Palmer to the Colts courtesy phone ... Buccaneers 26, Colts 17.

Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Trifecta: New York Giants, Detroit, Pittsburgh

Over/Under Good Buys: Jets/Ravens Under; Atlanta/Seattle Over

2011 Week 3 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta:0-1
Money: $+240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 34-14
Against The Spread: 27-21
Lock of the Week: 3-0
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $+2,000

2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $42
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+102

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Three 2011 Wrap

We at The Hoser can't fault Detroit head coach Jim Schwartz for kicking the field goal on first down to defeat Minnesota in OT, but c'mon, man! After Calvin Johnson just made that amazing catch, don't you give him just one shot in the back of the end zone for the TD? And the cover? Yeah, we know, we know.

The Hoser finished up 11-5 straight up and a pretty weak 9-7 against the spread, but we hit the Lock of the Week (New Orleans) for the third time to start the season and, of course, the Lions cost us the Trifecta. We still turned a small profit for the week (and the third week straight to start the year).

2011 Week 3 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta:0-1
Money: $+240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 34-14
Against The Spread: 27-21
Lock of the Week: 3-0
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $+2,000

2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $10
2011 Week 3 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $42
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+102

The Hoser`s NFL Picks 2011, Week 3

Welcome to Week Three of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we're a little late -- hanging out with Jerome Simpson will do that.

Simpson, a wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, got in big trouble this week for receiving 2.5 pounds of marijuana through the mail. Authorities had been tracking the package and when they searched Simpson's home, they found six more pounds of pot. That's 8.5 pounds of dope, or what's known around Willie Nelson's house as "breakfast."

The Hoser had a solid week, going 12-4 straight up and 10-6 against the spread. We hit both our Lock of the Week (Tampa Bay) and the Trifecta (TB, Houston and the Giants). We also hit a six-team parlay, which made for a nice Chinese dinner for Mrs. Hoser and all the many little Hosers.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as Republicans booing gay soldiers at a presidential debate.

New York Giants (+9) at PHILADELPHIA (50.5): Eagles quarterback Michael Vick heckled fans and pointed at the scoreboard in the third quarter of what turned out to be a loss in Atlanta. Perhaps he should have just bitten his tongue. Eagles 23, Giants 18.
San Francisco (+3) at CINCINNATI (41): Oh yeah, Cincinnati's Cedric Benson is also getting suspended. When will the Bengals just go ahead and run those stripes vertically all the way down the uniform? 49ers 23, Bengals 19.
New England (+8.5) at BUFFALO (53): Welcome back to Earth, Buffalo. Patriots 31, Bills 20.
Houston (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (53): Texans fan are so used to their team folding up after a big win, we're sure they're expecting a loss this week. That's good, because they'll get one. Saints 29, Texans 22.

Miami (+2.5) at CLEVELAND (41): Dolphins DE Jason Taylor was angered this week when some of his comments in a player's only meeting leaked out through a process he referred to as "tweet and twaht." Taylor then hitched up his plaid pants and headed to Old Country Buffet at 4 p.m. for the Earlybird Special. Browns 22, Dolphins 19.

Denver (+7) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Poor Kyle Orton. He's about as popular in Denver as Obama at an NRA rally. Titans 23, Broncos 17.

Detroit (-3.5) at MINNESOTA (45): Adrian Peterson says the Vikings should win this game. We think ADP should look up the word "win" again. Lions 26, Vikings 17.

Jacksonville (+3.5) at CAROLINA (43): Jaguars QB Luke McCown lasted about as long as a bag of Doritos at Jerome Simpson's crib. Panthers 20, Jaguars 14.

Kansas City (+15) at SAN DIEGO (45): Relax, people, the Chiefs will be fine this season ... as long as the CFL accepts their transfer application. Chargers 34, Chiefs 14.

NY Jets (-3) at OAKLAND (41): The Raiders have so many WRs missing against the tough NY secondary, Phil Collins should remake his hit for Jason Campbell -- "You'll be throwing the ball away, throwing the baaallll awayyyyy." Jets 24, Raiders 22.

Baltimore (-4) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (42): We bet there was a lot of walking funny around the Ravens' camp this week after Coach Harbaugh had his head up his team's ass. Ravens 24, Rams 16.

Atlanta (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (45.5): People talk about steroids and HGH, but when is Tony Gonzalez going to admit he moved to Altanta to be closer to the Fountain of Youth? Falcons 24, Buccaneers 20.

Arizona (-3) at SEATTLE (43): The Seahawks are so bad, they may have already been mathematically eliminated from the Mild, Mild West. Cardinals 24, Seahawks 17.

Green Bay (-3.5) at CHICAGO (45.5): Bears QB Jay Cutler said this week if his protection doesn't improve, he might not last through the season. Fans are wondering if that's a threat or a promise. Packers 26, Bears 19.

Pittsburgh (-10.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (39.5): This is not a joke -- we actually read somewhere that former No. 1 overall pick Jeff George said he could pick up the Indy offense in a week and play. How can we top that? Steelers 29, Colts 17.

Washington (-5.5) at DALLAS (46): Cowboys QB Tony Romo played with a fractured rib and a punctured lung last week, but we don't know what the big deal is -- he's been playing with half a brain for a couple years now. Cowboys 23, Racists 20.

Lock Of The Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Detroit, Baltimore

2011 Week 2 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $+1,240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 23-9
Against The Spread: 18-14
Lock of the Week: 2-0
Trifecta: 1-1
Money: $+1,760

2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $20
2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $144
2011 Season Pro-Line: $32
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+112

We'll never doubt Eli again

Okay, we will (probably next week), but for this week he made us some nice pocket money. See you later Thursday with Week 3!

2011 Week 2 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $+1,240

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 23-9
Against The Spread: 18-14
Lock of the Week: 2-0
Trifecta: 1-1
Money: $+1,760

2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $20
2011 Week 2 Pro-Line: $144
2011 Season Pro-Line: $32
2011 Season Pro-Line: $144
2011 Total: $+112

Pull for the Giants, people!

It's been a pretty decent week for The Hoser thus far, as we're 11-4 straight up and 9-6 against the spread. Not fantastic, you say, and I'd agree -- except for the fact we've already gotten the Lock of the Week (Tampa Bay) and we need the Giants to cover the -6.5 tonight against the Steven Jackson-less Rams.

That would make it a very happy Tuesday at the local convenience store for The Hoser, as you can see below:

Ignore my daughter's doodling. Apparently Daddy Hoser doesn't keep enough colouring books handy.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Two 2011

Welcome to Week Two of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where we're just killing time until the Charlie Sheen Roast starts.

We could say it was a good week for The Hoser because New England came through for us on the Lock of the Week, and the Trifecta slid down to a two-teamer with the Carolina/Arizona push, but we'll take it. We slogged through at 8-8 against the spread and 11-5 straight up, which puts us $440 ahead for the year thus far.

It was definitely a great week, though, as we added another little Hoser to the staff. Hello to Harrison, just four days old as I write this. No, he's not named after the former Indianapolis receiver. Think "Night Court."

Congratulations are also in order for Ron "Jaws" Jaworski, who managed to work the word "shit" into his discussion of Chad Henne's abilities. We don't know why he apologized, though -- you really CAN'T discuss Henne's abilities without using that word.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as putting the best player in the world back on the ice while he's still having trouble spelling "C-A-T" when you spot him a couple letters.

Chicago (+6.5) at NEW ORLEANS (47): No jokes here -- our condolences to one of The Hoser's favourite players, Brian Urlacher, on the sudden passing of his mother. Saints 27, Bears 21.

Kansas City (+7.5) at DETROIT (45): During last week's debacle, the resemblance between K.C. head coach Todd Haley and Munch's "The Scream" was uncanny. Get ready for "Scream 2." Lions 30, Chiefs 16.

Jacksonville (+8.5) at NY JETS (39.5): We can't guarantee a win for New York in this one -- Tony Romo won't be quarterbacking the Jaguars. Jets 24, Jaguars 17.

Oakland (+3) at BUFFALO (42.5): After some Week One fireworks, expect both these teams to crash harder than a raver off a case of Red Bull. Oakland's running game makes us like the points, though. Raiders 22, Bills 19

Arizona (+3.5) at WASHINGTON (44.5): And you all gave up on Sexy Rexy! Racists 23, Cardinals 17. 

Baltimore (-6) at TENNESSEE (38): Chris Johnson and his Moonraker mouth will get more reps this week, but it won't be nearly enough. Ravens 28, Titans 19.

Seattle (+14) at PITTSBURGH (40): Look, we all saw how terrible the Steelers were against Baltimore, and we all saw how terrible the Seahawks were ... uhh, forever. But two touchdowns in Week 2? Steelers 26, Seahawks 16.

Green Bay (-9.5) at CAROLINA (45): Man, if you didn't beat the Cardinals with your rookie QB throwing for 400+ yards, you might not win a game all season. Packers 33, Panthers 14.

Tampa Bay (+3) at MINNESOTA (41.5): The good news for the Vikings is that Donovan McNabb's well-rested after throwing only 15 passes last week. The bad news for the Vikings is, they're still starting Donovan McNabb. Buccaneers 24, Vikings 17.

Cleveland (+2) at INDIANAPOLIS (40): Are the Colts really this bad without Peyton Manning? Yes. Yes they are. Browns 23, Colts 20.

Dallas (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (42): If you're looking for a real gambler, talk to Ted Ginn, Jr., who took a $1.2M pay cut last week to keep his roster spot and get free agency a year earlier. That's even ballsier than running one back out of the end zone. 49ers 23, Cowboys 17.

Houston (-3) at MIAMI (48): We haven't seen ground given up that quickly since the last time the French fought a land war. Texans 29, Dolphins 23.

San Diego (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (53.5): Tom Brady caught a little flak this week for suggesting that Patriots fans should "start drinking early." Yeah, like they needed to be told. Patriots 34, Chargers 24.

Cincinnati (+3.5) at DENVER (40): People don't realize how good the Bengals are this year -- and we're not just saying that because of the shiv being held against our kidneys. Bengals 23, Broncos 21.

Philadelphia (-2.5) at ATLANTA (49.5): If Michael Vick gets a standing ovation from the Atlanta crowd, we'll puke. We're glad he's doing well, but he deserves applause like Citibank deserves a bailout. Falcons 27, Eagles 24.

St. Louis (+6.5) at NY GIANTS (44): Eli Manning had a mediocre Week 1, so expect him to throw for 400 yards, run for a touchdown and raise Jimmy Hoffa from the Meadowlands turf this week. Giants 26, Rams 10.

Lock of the Week: Tampa Bay

Trifecta: Tampa Bay, New York Giants, Houston

Over/Under Good Buys: St. Louis/NY Under

2011 Week 1 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+440

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+440

2011 Week 11 Money Spent: $12
2011 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2011 Season Money Spent: $12
2011 Season Money Made: $0
2011 Total: $-12 

Wrap for Week One, 2001

We could say it was a good week for The Hoser because New England came through for us on the Lock of the Week, and the Trifecta slid down to a two-teamer with the Carolina/Arizona push, but we'll take it. We slogged through at 8-8 against the spread and 11-5 straight up, which puts us $440 ahead for the year thus far.

It was definitely a great week, though, as we added another little Hoser to the staff. Hello to Harrison, just two days old as I write this. Because of the lack of sleep and immense amount of hugging going on around here, picks will be up sometime Friday.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week One 2011

Welcome to Week One of the 2011 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we view the NFL lockout like Charlie Sheen's career – we don't want to place any blame, we're just glad it's over.

After a summer featuring more labour unrest than The Octomom and Kate Gosselin combined, it's good to see owners and players be able to set aside their differences and get back to the important business at hand – delivering that male demographic to erectile-dysfunction pharmaceutical companies.

Heading into this season, the usual suspects are the front runners for the Lombardi Trophy. In the NFC, Atlanta added Julio Jones at wide receiver and the Eagles spent more money than Muammar Gaddafi's kids, but Green Bay may have gotten stronger in the offseason and we like them to repeat. In the AFC, Pittsburgh, New York and New England stay strong, but we think this is Baltimore's year to step up to the next level.

Your early Super Bowl prediction? Packers 23, Ravens 19.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the University of Maryland design your prom tux.

New Orleans (+4) at GREEN BAY (47): All this talk about a Super Bowl hangover. Folks, Max McGee's not even dressing for this one. Packers 27, Saints 24.

Pittsburgh (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (36): The defense will be tough on Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger. That has nothing to do with the Ravens – all women within 50 miles of Baltimore have been issued mace and chastity belts. Ravens 19, Steelers 16.

Detroit (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY (41): Bold prediction: Lions QB Matt Stafford will start every game this season and be the league’s No. 2 QB (behind Tom Brady, duh), making him the most popular Stafford since Jim Stafford took “Spiders And Snakes” all the way to No. 3 in 1974. Lions 27, Buccaneers 23.

Atlanta (-3) at CHICAGO (41): We caught the story of the 1985 Bears this week, and Jay Cutler is just like Jim McMahon – except for the guts, determination and leadership. Falcons 22, Bears 16.

Buffalo (+5.5) at KANSAS CITY (39.5): Chiefs tight end Tony Moeaki is out for the season, but don't worry. You can see him every three seconds on the NFL Network in that damned "Five Best Catches" promo. Seriously, Snooki gets used less than that piece. Chiefs 24, Bills 17.

Indianapolis (+8.5) at HOUSTON (43.5): Bad news for Colts fans: Peyton Manning could miss the entire season. Bad news for everybody: Manning's neck injury won't prevent him from making stupid commercials with his brother. Texans 23, Colts 17.

Philadelphia (-4.5) at ST LOUIS (43.5): Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie has spent like a sailor assembling his dream team this offseason. Meanwhile, Andy Reid had his all along – a KFC Double Down and a two-litre of Jolt. Eagles 29, Rams 22.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at CLEVELAND (35.5): We hope the jails in the Cincinnati area have cable, or half the Bengals’ roster won’t get to see the game. Browns 22, Bengals 17.

Tennessee (+3) at JACKSONVILLE (38.5): We were going for a "Titans missing Johnson" gag, but do you whippersnappers even know who John Wayne Bobbitt is? Titans 20, Jaguars 16.

NY Giants (-3) at WASHINGTON (37.5): Rex Grossman beat out John Beck for the starting quarterback job in Washington. Read that again and then pick against New York. Giants 23, Redskins 17.

Carolina (+7) at ARIZONA (36.5): Watch Cafe Press for our new "Carolina -- Home of Fort Bragg, Scotty McCreery and the First Overall Pick (Again)" t-shirts. Cardinals 30, Panthers 13.

Seattle (+5) at SAN FRANCISCO (38): The Tarvaris Jackson era starts for the Seahawks, who apparently are unaware of his previous work. 49ers 23, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (+8.5) at SAN DIEGO (41.5): If Donovan McNabb fails to ignite the Viking offense, Brett Favre is always waiting in the wings. With his Crocs on. And his pants down. Chargers 24, Vikings 16.

Dallas (+4) at NY JETS (40.5): Mark Brunell returns to the sideline for his 20^th season as a quarterback, and his second as Mark Sanchez’s handkerchief. Jets 26, Cowboys 17.

New England (-7) at MIAMI (45.5): Doug Flutie's daughter has made it onto the Patriots' cheerleading squad -- and she didn't even have to spend a decade cheering in the Canadian Football League before it happened. Patriots 30, Dolphins 16.

Oakland (+3) at DENVER (40): Ohio State alumnus Terrelle Pryor will not be playing in this game. The NFL would have cleared him, but he'd already traded his uniform and playbook for tattoos. Broncos 21, Raiders 20.

Lock of the Week: New England

Trifecta: New England, Arizona, Tennessee

Over/Under Good Buys: Indy/Houston Under; Carolina/Arizona Over