The Hoser on the NFL, Week 11 Edition

Last week was the first week in five years I missed making my picks. Not that anyone noticed, aside from my bookie, who was counting on my $50 to take his kid to Chuck E. Cheese. Sorry, Guido Jr.

Atlanta (+1) at TAMPA BAY (44): This game will be much more enjoyable if you invite Jason Snelling over. Buccaneers 24, Falcons 20.
Detroit (-3) at PITTSBURGH (45.5): Ben Roethlisberger's teammates have been hinting he needs to spend more time studying his playbook and becoming a more "cerebral" player. Perhaps they should surrounding the video room with drunk chicks and rohypnol. (Ed. note: I am terrified I just Googled the correct spelling of "rohypnol." It was just for this, NSA people.) Lions 24, Steelers 16.
San Diego (+1) at MIAMI (45.5): The Dolphins may not have a single person dressed on defense. Chargers 26, Dolphins 19.
Baltimore (+3) at CHICAGO (41): It says here Luke McCown is starting. In an NFL game. For the favoured team. *shakes head, lays off the sauce* Bears 24, Ravens 17.
Cleveland (+5.5) at CINCINNATI (40.5): The Browns are tougher than they get credit for, but the Bengals are due to drop the hammer in this series. Bengals 31, Browns 13.
Oakland (+9.5) at HOUSTON (41): RIP Todd Christiansen, who at once was a great tight end and frightened us all away from man perms. Texans 24, Raiders 16.
Arizona (-9) at JACKSONVILLE (40): Not yet, Jags fans, but a cover. Cardinals 24, Jaguars 16.
Kansas City (+9) at DENVER (49.5): Manning goes out in the first half with a bad ankle and the Chiefs win it in the end. Chiefs 23, Broncos 20.
Minnesota (+12) at SEATTLE (46): Russell Okung is back for the Seahawks, but the line's just too damned big and Minnesota gets one in garbage time to cover. Seahawks 26, Vikings 17.
San Francisco (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS (50): Shootouts always favour the team with Drew Brees under centre. Saints 31, 49ers 27.
New England (+2.5) at CAROLINA (46):The Panthers are hot and Brady's banged up. If it goes to +3, parlay the hell out of the Pats, though. Panthers 19, Patriots 17.
Green Bay (+4) at NY GIANTS (41.5): Giants 23, Packers 20.
Washington (+4.5) at PHILADELPHIA (53.5): Eagles 29, Racists 20.
NY Jets (-1) at BUFFALO (40): Jets 20, Bills 17.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Philadelphia, Kansas City, Cincinnati

The Hoser on the NFL 2013, Week Nine Edition

Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA (46.5): Panthers 26, Falcons 17.
Minnesota (+8.5) at DALLAS (51): Cowboys 30, Vikings 17.
New Orleans (-6) at NEW YORK JETS (46.5): Saints 27, Jets 20.
Tennessee (-3) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (40.5): Rams 23, Titans 14.
Kansas City (+4.5) at BUFFALO (41): Jeff Tuel. Again. Chiefs 24, Bills 14.
San Diego (+1) at WASHINGTON (49.5): Chargers 25, Racists 20.
Philadelphia (+1) at OAKLAND (45.5): Simply the home-field advantage. Raiders 26, Eagles 19.
Tampa Bay (+14.5) at SEATTLE (40.5): Seahawks 31, Buccaneers 13.
Baltimore (-1) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Ravens 23, Browns 20.
Pittsburgh (+5.5) at NEW ENGLAND (43.5): Patriots 24, Steelers 20.
Indianapolis (-1) at HOUSTON (44): Colts 27, Texans 16.
Chicago (+10) at GREEN BAY (51): Packers 29, Bears 17.

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis
Trifecta: Indianapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City

The Hoser on the NFL, Week Eight 2013

San Francisco (-15) at JACKSONVILLE (39.5): 49ers 29, Jaguars 16.
Dallas (+3) at DETROIT (51): Lions 28, Cowboys 27.
New York Giants (+5.5) at PHILADELPHIA (49.5): Giants 27, Eagles 23.
Cleveland (+7) at KANSAS CITY (39.5): Chiefs 22, Browns 17.
Buffalo (+10.5) at NEW ORLEANS (48.5): Saints 27, Bills 17.
Miami (+6) at NEW ENGLAND (46.5): Patriots 31, Dolphins 20.
New York Jets (+5.5) at CINCINNATI (41): Bengals 21, Jets 20.
Pittsburgh (-2.5) at OAKLAND (40.5): Raiders 22, Steelers 20.
Washington (+10.5) at DENVER (57.5): Broncos 33, Redskins 23.
Atlanta (+3) at ARIZONA (46): Falcons 24, Cardinals 23.
Green Bay (-7.5) at MINNESOTA (47): Packers 34, Vikings 20.
Seattle (-11.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (43): Seahawks 26, Rams 10.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Atlanta, New York Giants, Green Bay

The Hoser On The NFL 2013 Week 8 Thursday Night Edition

Carolina (-6.5) at TAMPA BAY (39.5): Ratings for this game will be low up against the World Series, but for Carolina vs. Tampa that'd be true if Spike was showing "Freddy Got Fingered" on a loop. Panthers 22, Buccaneers 16.

The Hoser On The NFL, 2013 Week Seven Edition

San Diego (-7) at JACKSONVILLE (45): The Chargers CAN'T screw this up, can they? Chargers 26, Jaguars 16.
Houston (+6) at KANSAS CITY (39): After this loss, Gary Kubiak gets canned in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Chiefs 27, Texans 13.
Buffalo (+6.5) at MIAMI (44): Hey, maybe FINALLY Matt Flynn will get a fair shot at being a starter in the NFL.
Dolphins 23, Bills 20.
Chicago (-1) at WASHINGTON (48.5): I don't have a clear decision on this, but my gut feeling is the Bears are at least a field goal better than the Racists, which nullifies home-field advantage. Bears 26, Racists 23.
Dallas (+3) at PHILADELPHIA (55.5): Michael who? Eagles 31, Cowboys 27.
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43): Did you know the Buccaneers have only scored 64 points in five games this season? Do you think Tampa's ownership knows? Falcons 24, Buccaneers 13.
San Francisco (-3.5) at TENNESSEE (41): Jake Locker's back. Yay. 49ers 23, Titans 20.
Cleveland (+9.5) at GREEN BAY (45): Pretty sure the Packers are so decimated in the WR corps, Max McGee is dressing. Go look it up, kids. Packers 24, Browns 17.
Baltimore (+2) at PITTSBURGH (41): If you can beat the Packers on the road, you can beat the Steelers anywhere. Ravens 21, Steelers 20.
Denver (-6) at INDIANAPOLIS (56.5): "This week on ManningFace..." Broncos 31, Colts 23.
Minnesota (+3.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (47): OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER. Giants 24, Vikings 21.
New England (-3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (43.5): Patriots 24, Jets 22.
Cincinnati (+2) at DETROIT (46.5): Lions 26, Bengals 20.
St. Louis Rams (+7.5) at CAROLINA (42.5): Panthers 23, Rams 17.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, San Diego, Detroit

Week Five Straight Up: 9-6
Week Five Against The Spread: 8-7
Week Five Total: $430

Season Straight Up: 57-35
Season Against The Spread: 41-49-2
Season Lock of the Week: 4-2
Season Trifecta: 0-6 Season Totals: $-970

The Hoser On The NFL, 2013 Edition Week 7 Thursday

Seattle (-5) at ARIZONA (41): Seahawks 26, Cardinals 23.

The Hoser On The NFL, Week Six 2013

Oakland (+7.5) at KANSAS CITY (40.5): Chiefs 24, Raiders 17.
Philadelphia (-3) at TAMPA BAY (45): Eagles 24, Buccaneers 23.
Green Bay (-2.5) at BALTIMORE (49): Ravens 23, Packers 20.
Detroit (-2.5) at CLEVELAND (43.5): Browns 22, Lions 19.
Carolina (+1) at MINNESOTA (45): Panthers 26, Vikings 20.
St. Louis Rams (+7.5) at HOUSTON (43): Texans 23, Rams 20.
Pittsburgh (-.5) at NY JETS (41): Jets 24, Steelers 20.
Cincinnati (-6) at BUFFALO (41.5): Bengals 23, Bills 20.
Tennessee (+11.5) at SEATTLE (41.5): Seahawks 29, Titans 20.
Jacksonville (+27) at DENVER (52): Broncos 37, Jaguars 13.
Arizona (+10) at SAN FRANCISCO (41): 49ers 26, Cardinals 17.
New Orleans (+2.5) at NEW ENGLAND (50.5): Saints 30, Patriots 27.
Washington (+5.5) at DALLAS (52.5): Cowboys 31, Racists 17.
Indianapolis (-1) at SAN DIEGO (50): Colts 27, Chargers 23.

 Lock of the Week: Carolina
Trifecta: Carolina, New York Jets, Cleveland

Week Five Straight Up: 7-7
Week Five Against The Spread: 5-9
Week Five Total: $-1050

Season Straight Up: 48-29
Season Against The Spread: 33-42-2
Season Lock of the Week: 3-2
Season Trifecta: 0-5
Season Totals: $-1,360

The Hoser On The NFL, Week Six 2013, Thursday Edition

New York Giants (+8.5) at CHICAGO (47): I thnk there's a good chance we find out soon that instead of Eli Manning under centre, it's been Bradley all along. Bears 27, Giants 20.

The Hoser On The NFL, Week FIve 2013 Season

Kansas City (-2.5) at TENNESSEE (37.5): Chiefs 23, Titans 17
Baltimore (+2.5) at MIAMI (43.5): Dolphins 24, Ravens 20
Jacksonville (+10.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (40.5): Rams 29, Jaguars 16
New England (-1) at CINCINNATI (45.5): Patriots 23, Bengals 20
Seattle (-3) at INDIANAPOLIS (43.5): Seahawks 24, Colts 20
Detroit (+7.5) at GREEN BAY (54): Packers 29, Lions 20
New Orleans (-1) at CHICAGO (51): Bears 26, Saints 23
Philadelphia (+1.5) at NY GIANTS (53.5): Giants 23, Eagles 19
Carolina (+2.5) at ARIZONA (41.5): Cardinals 22, Jaguars 20
San Diego (-4) at OAKLAND (46): Chargers 29, Raiders 14
Denver (-7) at DALLAS (55.5): Broncos 34, Cowboys 24
Houston (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (43): Texans 24, 49ers 22
New York Jets (+9.5) at ATLANTA (44): Falcons 30, Jets 20

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, New York Giants, Denver

Week Four Straight Up: 6-9
Week Four Against The Spread: 5-10
Week Four Total: $-150

Season Straight Up: 41-22
Season Against The Spread:  28-33-2
Season Lock of the Week: 3-1
Season Trifecta: 0-4
Season Totals: $-310

The Hoser On The NFL 2013 Season Week Five Thursday Night

Buffalo (+3.5) at CLEVELAND (41): Both these teams are resurgent, but neither of them is that great. Expect a low-scoring, tight game with the Browns winning it late. Browns 22, Bills 17.

The Hoser On The NFL Week Four, 2013 Season

Welcome to Week Four of The Hoser. Just some quickies today!

Pittsburgh (-3) at MINNESOTA (41): This neutral-site game presents London with no bangers and very little hope of mashing. Steelers 23, Vikings 17.
Baltimore (-3) at BUFFALO (44.5): Ravens 27, Bills 16.
Cincinnati (-3.5) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Should be an easy Bengals win. It won't be, but they'll still pull it out. Bengals 24, Browns 21.
Indianapolis (-8.5) at JACKSONVILLE (42.5): Colts 24, Jaguars 17.
Seattle (-2) at HOUSTON (41.5): Texans 22, Seahawks 17.
Arizona (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY (40): The Bucs are starting a virgin QB and may not have their top two WRs. That's a TD swing that never showed up in the line. Cardinals 23, Buccaneers 20.
Chicago (+3) at DETROIT (48): CFL repreSENNNTTTT! Bears 27, Lions 23.
New York Giants (+3.5) at KANSAS CITY (43.5): Last chance before every Giant joins Jimmy Hoffa under the Meadowlands turf. Chiefs 24, Giants 21.
New York Jets (+3) at TENNESSEE (40.5): Titans 22, Jets 13.
Dallas (-1.5) at SAN DIEGO (46.5): Two of my least-favourite teams. In any sport. Cowboys 26, Chargers 23.
Washington (-3.5) at OAKLAND (44.5): Betting we see Matt Flynn pretty quickly if Terrelle Pryor plays at all, and it might actually help. Raiders 26, Racists 20.
Philadelphia (+10) at DENVER (58): Broncos 31, Eagles 20.
New England (+3) at ATLANTA (49): Are the Patriots bringing anyone?!? Gronk and Danny Amendola didn't even make the trip. Falcons 29, Patriots 24.
Miami (+7) at NEW ORLEANS (48.5): Saints 31, Dolphins 20.

Lock of the Week: Tennessee
Trifecta: Tennessee, Houston, Arizona

Week Three Straight Up: 11-5
Week Three Against The Spread: 7-8-1
Week Three Total: $+90

Season Straight Up: 35-13
Season Against The Spread: 23-23-2
Lock of the Week: 2-1
Trifecta: 0-3
Season Totals: $-160

Welcome to Week Three of the Hoser on the NFL, where my hold on mediocrity gets stronger with each passing day.

I went a humble 8-8 against the spread in Week Two, just barely keeping my head above water for the season. Another solid straight up week at 11-5, but no one cares about those numbers anyway.

San Diego (+3) at TENNESSEE (44): Chargers 26, Titans 20.
Cleveland (+6.5) at MINNESOTA (40.5): Make a note, Vikings fans -- this is likely the only week of this season where you can turn to your pals and say, "Boy, Christian Ponder is clearly the best quarterback on the field!" Vikings 23, Browns 10.
Tampa Bay (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (44): Worth tuning in to see in what creative way the Bucs implode this week. My best bet is in a close game, Josh Freeman suddenly takes his helmet off and sits down on the field until he is traded. Which I totally understand. Patriots 26, Buccaneers 17.
Houston (-2.5) at BALTIMORE (45): This is a huge game for the Texans, and finally a chance to shed their "can't win the big one" history. They won't. Ravens 23, Texans 20.
St. Louis (+4) at DALLAS (47.5): Cowboys 24, Rams 22.
Arizona (+7) at NEW ORLEANS (48.5): This Cardinal team is better than you think, and the one-game boost of having Sean Payton back on the sidelines was obviously gone for the Saints in Week Two. If it goes to +7.5, bet the house. Saints 23, Cardinals 17.
Detroit (+1) at WASHINGTON (49): Lions 26, Racists 17.
Green Bay (+3) at CINCINNATI (49): Game of the Week. Bengals 27, Packers 23.
New York Giants (+1) at CAROLINA (46.5): Eli wins his first of the season. Only five more to go. Giants 29, Panthers 20.
Atlanta (+2.5) at MIAMI (44.5): PROLINE ALERT! OLG is only -.5 on the Falcons for this one. Hammer it! Falcons 30, Dolphins 20.
Indianapolis (+9.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (46): The 49ers are gonna be PISSSSSED. Still, too big. 49ers 26, Colts 20.
Jacksonville (+18.5) at SEATTLE (40.5): I haven't seen a spread this big since my subscription to "Hot N' Hefty Mamas" ran out. Seahawks 30, Jaguars 13.
Buffalo (+2.5) at NEW YORK JETS (38.5): The Jets run the ball well and stop the run. The Bills don't run the ball well and don't stop the run. So why do I feel so weird picking New York? Jets 20, Bills 19.
Chicago (-2.5) at PITTSBURGH (40): Bears 24, Steelers 16.
Oakland (+14.5) at DENVER (48.5): Broncos 29, Raiders 16.

 Lock of the Week: Chicago

Trifecta: Minnesota, Chicago, New York Giants

Week Two Straight Up: 11-5
Week Two Against The Spread: 8-8
Week Two Total: $-480

Season Straight Up: 24-8
Season Against The Spread: 16-15-1
Lock of the Week: 1-1
Trifecta: 0-2
Season Totals: $-250

The Hoser On The NFL Wek Three 2013 Thursday Edition

Cheesesteak vs. BBQ tonight - who ya got? Me, I'll always side with some ribs, but I think the Eagles will be a little too much for Kansas City. Kansas City (+3) at Philadelphia (50.5): Eagles 27, Chiefs 20.

The Hoser on the NFL 2013 Week Two

Monday killed us last week, as we lost both games ATS and Houston's crappy first half killed our Trifecta. But Detroit nailed the Lock, and for the first week of the season, we survived.

Just the scores this week -- short on time.

San Diego (+7) at PHILADELPHIA (53.5): Eagles 28, Chargers 24.
Cleveland (+7) at BALTIMORE (43.5): Ravens 26, Browns 20.
Tennessee (+8) at HOUSTON (43): Texans 26, Titans 17.
Miami (+2.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (43): Colts 23, Dolphins 21.
Carolina (-3.5) at BUFFALO (43.5): Bills 24, Panthers 21.
St. Louis Rams (+5.5) at ATLANTA (46.5): Falcons 30, Rams 20.
Washington (+7.5) at GREEN BAY (49.5): Packers 29, Racists 24.
Dallas (+3) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): Cowboys 26, Chiefs 22.
Minnesota (+6) at CHICAGO (41): Bears 31, Vikings 17.
New Orleans (-3) at TAMPA BAY (48): Saints 30, Buccaneers 21.
Detroit (-2) at ARIZONA (48): Lions 27, Cardinals 17.
Jacksonville (-5) at OAKLAND (40): Raiders 24, Jaguars 16.
Denver (-3.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (55): Broncos 33, Giants 23.
San Francisco (+3) at SEATTLE (44): 49ers 26, Seahawks 20.
Pittsburgh (+6.5) at CINCINNATI (41): Bengals 24, Steelers 17.

Lock of the Week: Chicago

Trifecta: Chicago, Atlanta, San Francisco

Week One Straight Up: 13-3

Week One Against The Spread: 8-7-1

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Week One Totals: +$230

The Hoser On The NFL 2013, Week Two Thursday Edition

Here's your Week Two Thursday night game prediction -- stay tuned for the rest of the week early Friday morning:

New York Jets (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND (41.5): I wish I could give credit to the person I heard someone say the Buccaneers "out-Jetted the Jets" at the end of last week's game. No one has to worry about that this week, as I'm sure Bill Belichick had his team's asses on fire in practice this week. Patriots 30, Jets 13.

So far, not so bad

Just a quick early recap! We have already hit our Lock of the Week and the Trifecta is still in effect (need Houston -3 tonight). Also, we bet a slightly different three-team parlay on ProLine, but hit that also, so up $15 in total after Week One!

Straight Up: 11-3

Against The Spread: 8-5-1

The Hoser On The NFL 2013, Week One

Welcome to Week One of the 2013 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're not as good-looking as Tim Tebow, but we're just as accurate.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line each week, because tradition, that's why.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. We're still tallying our record from last year, but it certainly isn't good enough to use to make actual bets.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as stepping between a couple Alabama high-school football coaches. FOOOOBAWWWWW!

New England (-10½) at BUFFALO (49): With E.J. Manuel's return, it saves Buffalo from having to start a Tuel at quarterback. The Steelers will still do it, though. Patriots 33, Bills 17.
Tennessee (+7) at PITTSBURGH (42.5): There hasn't been this much prayer for a renewed Johnson since Jimmy Swaggart went soft in that hotel room. Steelers 24, Titans 14.
Atlanta (-3) at NEW ORLEANS (53.5): Unlike "OneD in 3D," this game should feature no D. Saints 27, Falcons 24.
Tampa Bay (-3) at NEW YORK JETS (40): Everyone's freaking out about New York's quarterback situation, but are the Bucs really any better off? Buccaneers 22, Jets 17.
Kansas City (-3.5) at JACKSONVILLE (41): Blaine Gabbert is healthy. 'Nuff said. Chiefs 24, Jaguars 16.
Oakland (+8.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (47): Signing Matt Flynn should come with a side order of Jennifer Lopez, because he is ... The Back-Up Plan. Colts 26, Raiders 23.
Minnesota (+4.5) at DETROIT (46.5): Adrian Peterson is predicting a 2,500-yard season, or about double what Christian Ponder will produce. Lions 30, Vikings 17.
Arizona (+4.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (41): Former STL vs. current The Loo. Prediction? Someone gets shot. Rams 27, Cardinals 20.
Houston (-3) at SAN DIEGO (44): We honestly have no idea how to pick now that Norv's gone. It was so easy to pencil in, "Lose stupidly late in the game" before. Texans 30, Chargers 16.
Green Bay (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (49): Game of the week -- unless you're a Packers fan. 49ers 33, Packers 20.
New York Giants (+3) at DALLAS (48.5): An easy prediction -- at at least three times during this game, Tom Coughlin will appear to be passing Eli Manning through his colon. Cowboys 23, Giants 19.
Philadelphia (+3.5) at WASHINGTON (50.5): Still clinging to it, eh, racists? Racists 29, Eagles 19.
Cincinnati (+3) at CHICAGO (41.5): Somewhere Brian Urlacher is sitting in a Snuggie and crying. Bears 21, Bengals 19.
Miami (+1) at CLEVELAND (41): The Browns look to be improved this season. The Dolphins look to be ... the Dolphins. Browns 24, Dolphins 20.
Seattle (-3) at CAROLINA (45.5): Meh. Seahawks 29, Panthers 17.

Lock of the Week: Detroit

Trifecta: Oakland, Detroit, Houston

The Hoser On The NFL 2013, Week One, Thursday Edition

Welcome in! We're back for what we believe is our sixth season of some of the most half-assed, uneducated and completely untrustworthy National Football League predictions on the web.

Don't take us seriously, people -- we sure don't.

The format for the season will be explained fully in the full Week One edition, but here's how the columns will be released this year:

Wednesday night/Thursday morning: Thursday night game (if applicable)
Thursday night/Friday morning: Sunday & Monday games (also posted as always with our friends at SportsFilter
Over the weekend: Any news we think worth passing along, or line moves worth taking advantage of

For now, here's the Thursday night season opener. Enjoy the season!

Baltimore (+9) at DENVER (48): Retired Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said this week the blackout at last year's Super Bowl was intentional because the Ravens had a big lead. It's a good thing the lights came back on, or everyone in the building could have wound up mysteriously stabbed (in a manner that absolutely nothing to do with Ray Lewis, of course -- just his friends). Broncos 24, Ravens 23.

Super Bowl Edition

Ravens 27, 49ers 23.

The Hoser's NFL PIcks 2012, Postseason Week 3

San Francisco (-4) at ATLANTA (47.5): 49ers 30, Falcons 23.

Baltimore (+8) at NEW ENGLAND (50): Patriots 31, Ravens 21.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Two Postseason 2012

Baltimore (+9) at DENVER (43.5): Here's a tip - don't accept any limo rides after the game from Ray Lewis. Broncos 26, Ravens 23.

Green Bay (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (45): Toughest game to call this weekend. A young QB vs. an old hand, but Green Bay's running game just scares the crap out of me. 49ers 23, Packers 21.

Seattle (+2.5) at ATLANTA (46): The Seahawks are signing guys who haven't played in the NFL for five years and I STILL think they're about pick 'em. Plus, the Falcons are choke artists of Little Oral Annie magnitude. Falcons 26, Seahawks 20.

Houston (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (48.5): A beating, but not THAT bad a beating. You finish like you finished, right? Patriots 30, Texans 21.

Lock of the Week: Baltimore

The Hoser's NFL Postseason Picks, Week 1 2013

Cincinnati (+4) at HOUSTON (43): The Texans will remember the Alamo -- and how to play decent football. Texans 24, Bengals 17.

Minnesota (+7.5) at GREEN BAY (45.5): Adrian Peterson makes this less than a touchdown spread, but the Packers won't be bounced out this early. Packers 26, Vikings 23.

Indianapolis (+7) at BALTIMORE (47): Here's your headline in advance, Darren Rovell: OUT OF LUCK. Ravens 23, Colts 17.

Seattle (-3) at WASHINGTON (45.5): RGIII doesn't look quite the same, and the Seahawks are too good right now to lose to a weakened Washington squad. Seahawks 29, Racists 20.

Lock of the Week: Houston