The Football Hoser's NFL Picks, Week Four, 2014

Welcome to Week Four of the 2014 edition of the Football Hoser's NFL picks, where it's nice to know while people starve, Corona is building giant mirrors to banish shade from patios.

Last week was an acceptable 9-7 against the spread and straight up, but once again we blew the Lock of the Week. It's tough to figure how Carolina went so far south in one week, but the simplest answers might be that Cam Newton is more banged up than we know and not having Greg Hardy affects the Panther D mightily.

There's an excellent piece at Grantland this week by Andrew Sharp about Eagles DB Cary Williams, who called out the Philly coaching staff for practicing them too hard. Williams, who as of yet has not had his words turned into a rap anthem by DJ Steve Porter, may have a point, as he has been apparently been backed up anonymously by other Eagles. Check out that piece.

Our cash outlay will change as the byes start this week. The Lock of the Week will jump from $300 to $500 to keep the bets at an even $2K per week. So, yeah, there's me throwing another $200 in the crapper. Wasn't I just bitching about Corona?

As always, remember: these picks are for fun. Using these picks to make actual bets is as advisable as being stranded on an island with John Rocker.

Miami (-3.5) at OAKLAND (40.5): A three-hour sonogram of Pippa's belly might be more entertaining than this. Dolphins 23, Raiders 17.
Green Bay (-2) at CHICAGO (51.5): The Packers offense may be a shambles, but I can say nothing bad about Aaron Rodgers as long as he is getting Hans and Franz work. Bears 26, Packers 23.
Buffalo (+3) at HOUSTON (41): Speaking of State Farm commercials, apparently a second commercial featuring Rob Schneider as the "Makin' Copies" guy has been pulled because he is a serious anti-vaccination guy. I guess I understand that, but would anyone actually make decisions about their children's health based on what Deuce Bigalow recommends? Texans 22, Bills 20.
Tennessee (+8) at INDIANAPOLIS (46): We're getting closer and closer to Clipboard Jesus taking the field. Can I get an AMEN! Colts 30, Titans 17.
Tampa Bay (+7.5) at PITTSBURGH (45): This only looks like a total mismatch because it is. Steelers 31, Buccaneers 20.
Jacksonville (+13) at SAN DIEGO (45): The Chargers are missing a large number of players due to injury. Fortunately for them, Jacksonville is missing an entire franchise. Chargers 34, Jaguars 16.
Atlanta (-3) at MINNESOTA (47): The Falcons travel about as well as the French army, but I like this at least as a push. Falcons 24, Vikings 16.
Philadelphia (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (50.5): The Eagles are the worst 3-0 team in history, while the 49ers have to figure out second halves at some point. Still, more than a field goal ... 49ers 26, Eagles 24.
Carolina (+3.5) at BALTIMORE (40.5): Is it possible, given everything that's happened this year, that the Ravens could overtake Washington as the NFL's most hated franchise? Has that already happened? Ravens 22, Panthers 20.
Detroit (-1.5) at NEW YORK JETS (44): I had a nice conversation with a diehard Jets fan this week. In Canada. So there may be a Santa Claus after all. Lions 23, Jets 17.
New Orleans (-3) at DALLAS (53): Because there will efinitely be none on isplay in allas, I have compose this sentence with no "." Saints 31, Cowboys 24.
New England (-4) at KANSAS CITY (45): Beat writers for the Patriots are speculating Tom Brady has some sort of lower-leg injury that is keeping him from pushing off into his throws. It's his own damned fault -- those Ugh boots just offer no support. Patriots 24, Chiefs 21.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: New Orleans, Chicago, Atlanta

2014 Week Three

Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
ATS: 9-7
SU: 9-7
Total $: -$270

2014 Season Totals

Lock of the Week: 0-3
Trifecta: 0-3
ATS: 24-22-2
SU: 24-24
Total $: -$1,320