Saturday, September 6, 2014

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2014, Week One Edition

Welcome to Week One of the 2015 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're already 1-0 for the season, and things can only go downhill from here.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. The format is as follows: each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use the National Score Predicting League line each week, the fine folks who send me updates every week to tell me how awful I am at this.

For you fellow Canucks, keep an eye out late Saturday or early Sunday for my ProLine Picks, where I'll highlight late injuries and lines that could make for good value. God bless legalized gambling!

I watched the Seahawks/Packers game on Sky Sports out of Britain, and we may have an explanation of why football is not catching on over there. Former Bears safety Shaun Gayle was pretty good, but the other English analyst was like watching Hugh Grant after a bottle of Robitussin. That broadcast needs Terry Crews for a week or two.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as catching a ride home with Jim Irsay.

Buffalo (+6.5) at CHICAGO (48.5): Bills fans may not be thrilled with the signing of their new back-up quarterback, but 31 other GMs are. How nice will it be for them to be able to tell their owners, "Well, yeah, we're struggling, but at least we're not paying Kyle Orton $5M!" Bears 30, Bills 14.

Indianapolis (+7) at DENVER (56): The Broncos will be without wide receiver Wes Welker after testing positive for MDMA. At a press conference discussing the four-game suspension, Welker vehemently denied taking Molly, then put on a DeadMau5 mix tape, cracked some glowsticks and drank 47 gallons of water. Broncos 30, Colts 24.

Atlanta (+3) at NEW ORLEANS (52): This is another season where Matty Ice will need plenty of Natty Ice to help him forget. Saints 31, Falcons 20.

Minnesota (+4) at ST. LOUIS (44): This may be the first time in NFL history a starting QB suffered a season-ending injury and half the fan base simultaneously yelled, "Thank God!" The Rams will be better with Shaun Hill under center, and they'll show it right out of the gate. Rams 27, Vikings 17.

Cleveland (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH (40.5): I bet this whole marijuana cloud hanging over the Steeler backfield is just a misunderstanding. I'm sure Mike Tomlin told his team, "Let's get rolling," and Le'Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount just took him literally. I mean, how can you hold this against a guy whose last name literally means "joint?" Steelers 23, Browns 20.

Jacksonville (+10.5) at PHILADELPHIA (53): The Jags need to make a deal with San Francisco. There's T-shirt gold in a Bortles & James backfield. Eagles 30, Jaguars 20.

Oakland (+5) at NY JETS (40): I think the biggest surprise here is someone will win. Raiders 20, Jets 16.

Washington (+2.5) at HOUSTON (45.5): You wonder why the Texans were so bad last season? Their former quarterback can't start this season for the Raiders. The Raiders! That's like a CEO being fired, and then having to take an assistant manager position at 7-11. Texans 23, Racists 20.

Dallas (+5.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (50.5): Expect the Cowboys to lead the league in points allowed, rushing yards against and most pictures of an owner with his junk in the face of random women. 49ers 34, Cowboys 23.

NY Giants (+4.5) at DETROIT (47): Expect another year of the Giants playing badly enough to match the Eli sad face. His audible should be a failhorn. Lions 27, Giants 20.

San Diego (+3) at  ARIZONA (44.5): Until it's clear whether Andre Ellington will play for the Cardinals, stay the hell away from this line. I'm guessing no and picking accordingly. Cardinals 24, Chargers 23.

Carolina (PK) at TAMPA BAY (38.5): All depends on Cam Newton's health, and it ain't lookin' good. Buccaneers 22, Panthers 16.

Cincinnati (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (43): Props to the commissioner for admitting his mistakes in the Ray Rice case. Now could you please have a look at why Josh Gordon will be selling cars this season? Bengals 23, Ravens 17.

Tennessee (+4.5) at KANSAS CITY (43.5): I have to pull a little for Tennessee, as I'm down with anyone who keeps Clipboard Jesus on the payroll. Chiefs 24, Titans 20.

New England (-4.5) at MIAMI (47): I don't know how you could get excited about this Miami team without bath salts. Patriots 26, Dolphins 20.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: New Orleans, San Francisco, St. Louis

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