Welcome to Week Two of the 2014 edition of the Football Hoser's NFL picks, where at least I have more job security than Roger Goddell.
The league announced this week it would conduct an "independent" investigation into its handling of the Ray Rice case. Any time "independent" is used from here on out in reference to this fiasco, it should definitely be set off with quotation marks, and preferably the kind Chris Farley used to use. One thing's guaranteed -- even if everything comes up roses for the NFL, the findings will still leave The Commissioner redfaced.
As for the Thursday pick, the Ravens sure were distracted, huh? At least I'm in good company, as I think about 90% of prognosticators took Pittsburgh and the points. I don't want to say Mike Tomlin's job might be in jeopardy, but somewhere Bill Cowher is waxing his mustache and muttering to himself.
Remember, these picks are for fun. Using these picks to make actual bets is as advisable as having the Orioles' Chris Davis pick up your Adderall prescription.
Detroit (+2.5) at CAROLINA (43.5): I know it's not exactly the same state, but I like to imagine all the Panthers talk like Lindsey Graham. Lions 27, Panthers 21.
Miami (PK) at BUFFALO (43): So Terry Pegula now owns the Bills and the Sabres. I'm pretty sure for $1.98, they'll throw in whatever's left in Buffalo. Dolphins 23, Bills 20.
Jacksonville (+6) at WASHINGTON (43.5): Either RGIII gets right this week or he ain't gettin' right at all. Buy your Kirk Cousins rookie cards now before the rush! Racists 23, Jaguars 19.
Dallas (+3.5) at TENNESSEE (49.5): A pair of 0-2s -- the Cowboys' mark after this week and Jerry Jones' record with bathroom strippers. Titans 29, Cowboys 20.
New England (-3) at MINNESOTA (49): Are we really giving the Vikings defense this much credit for stopping the Rams? I've taken natural laxatives with more push than the St. Louis O-line. Still, the Pats' line didn't look much better. Vikings 24, Patriots 23.
ADDENDUM: I'm sure you've all heard the news by now -- ADP has been deactivated for this Sunday's game. While I have nothing against Matt Asiata, this is like pulling a TD away from Minnesota. The game might come off the board, but for now, change the pick to ... Patriots 26, Vikings 17.
New Orleans (-6.5) at CLEVELAND (47.5): A more effective defense might be to have Rob Ryan just eat Brian Hoyer. Saints 30, Browns 20.
Atlanta (+5.5) at CINCINNATI (49): This line confuses me. Was the Falcons' offense blacked out in Vegas? Falcons 31, Bengals 23.
St. Louis (+6) at TAMPA BAY (37): Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome back Mr. Tony Banks! Buccaneers 16, Rams 13.
Houston (-3) at OAKLAND (40): Texans head coach Bill O'Brien probably had a tougher game against Eastern Michigan last year. Texans 22, Raiders 16.
NY Jets (+8.5) at GREEN BAY (46): It's going to be hard not to make a joke out of Ha Ha Clinton Dix every week. Uh huh huh, hard. Packers 26, Jets 18.
Kansas City (+12) at DENVER (51): Two defensive starters gone for the season, an offense already in shambles. If Andy Reid turns to cheesesteaks for solace, he'll look like Jabba The Hutt by Week Six. Broncos 34, Chiefs 20.
Philadelphia (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (53.5): Eagles quarterback Nick Foles had trouble with fumbles last week, but at least he can look at the sideline and know none of them were caused by running into his own lineman's ass. Colts 27, Eagles 26.
Chicago (+7) at SAN FRANCISCO (48.5): Tough to understand how the Bears
couldn't find a way to get Devin Hester into the passing game last
season, huh? 49ers 30, Bears 19.
Arizona (-2.5) at NY GIANTS (42.5): Please send your Eli Manning jokes
to: Football Hoser, 34 Igloo Lane, Waycold, ON. Cardinals 27, Giants 19.
Seattle (-6) at SAN DIEGO (44): A late Philip Rivers pass will get this in under the number. Seahawks 27, Chargers 24.
Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Atlanta, Detroit, Arizona
2014 Week One
Total $: -$360